Indoor/Outdoor

At a certain point in human evolution, making “crazy love”
somehow became associated with having sex in public places. If one is
truly, madly, crazily in love with someone else (or someone
elses… ), it follows that spontaneous, breathless, fumbling public
lovemaking must at some point ensue.

In practice, however, sex in public places—while a satisfying
validation that those involved are indeed “into each other”—is at
most tepid in terms of genuine pleasure. I assure you, I make this
controversial claim from a place of actual experience, and not
from the bitter heart of the guy who’s always sitting on the nearby
bench, trying to sneak peeks at rustling bushes. Public sex is
not all it’s cracked up to be. For proof, here’s a rundown of
some of the more common public sex locales and their myriad
hazards.

The car. Sex in most cars is no easy feat. While it’s
possible to straddle the male wang if he positions himself just so in
the reclined passenger’s seat, sufficient leverage can still be a
problem, making it difficult to grind down on that hard cock. The back
seat is even more challenging, and you’ll most likely need to switch to
missionary unless the man providing the cock pounding (I’m trying to
include male and female receivers here) is a midget. Generally, the
receiver throws her or his legs way up in the air (which is actually a
perk), and much wriggling and sweating ensues as both sides struggle to
maintain purchase in the sardine-can’s worth of space.

Try doggy style and you’ll inevitably wind up smashing someone’s
face against the steamed window, or getting their hair tangled in the
seatbelt. Oral sex is best reserved for when the car is actually being
driven, when the passenger can lean over and get a nice slurp-angle on
the driver’s hoo-hah. Anywhere else in the car, forget about
it—unless you’re a contortionist.

The park. We’ll include all public recreation areas
under this one, including hiking trails and tennis courts. Park sex is
best reserved for summertime, when swimsuits, short skirts, and nude
beaches provide easy orifice access. Other times of year, layers of
warm clothes and zippers and snaps make spontaneous intercourse much
harder.

If you insist on going through with it, find a sturdy tree to lean
against and do it standing up. Taking it horizontal will feel good for
five minutes, and then it will very clearly not feel good.

Different terrains pose their own unique hazards. Sand, for
instance, has a way of finding its way into every fleshy crack
(particularly the moist ones). Like bike paths, cliff faces, and
asphalt, beaches are one of the most abrasive surfaces, and will almost
certainly leave you scratched and bruised (especially if you’re the
bottom). You don’t realize how much thrashing and shoving goes on in
passionate sex until your body is being thrashed and shoved in an
environment not designed for passionate sex.

Hot tubs and swimming pools. Sex immersed in any kind of
water is almost always shockingly unpleasant. While it seems like water
is a soothing and swishy medium ideal for lovemaking, it actually
washes away your skin’s natural lubricant, making the sexual act akin
to slapping two inner tubes together. Additionally, swimming pools and
hot tubs are invariably constructed of cement, wood, marble, or some
other unyielding substance that will severely hamper hardcore
grind-action. The best water sex needs to happen out in the middle of
the pool or swimmin’ hole, where the receiver can wrap their legs
around the cock-pounder. Even then some athleticism is required for the
cock-pounder to safely stay afloat (or stand upright) and
simultaneously thrust like a jackhammer. Drowning: It’s not so sexy, is
it?

Public bathrooms. When I remember the sex I’ve had in
public restrooms, I’m appalled. Dried piss and god knows what else on
the floor…. It really is one of the crazier forms of public love, if
only because it’s so gross. Most public bathrooms—be they in
bars, airplanes, or camping sites—are generally such a
mood-killer that you either need to be incredibly drunk, or incredibly
turned on. Most likely you’ll be wasted and it’ll all happen in a
rapid, fiery blur—but remember to stay in an upright position. If
you absolutely must incorporate the toilet for leverage, try to have
the presence of mind to lay down one of those sanitary paper toilet
seat covers. (Or maybe carry some hand sanitizer.) You’ll be glad you
did.