Sex Survey Results 2008!

Welcome once again to the Mercury‘s annual Sex Survey
Results Issue—where we probe the minds and pantaloons of Portland
to find out who does what, where, when, and how in the sack! A month
ago we asked our citizens to fill out our breathtakingly complete sex
survey at portlandmercury.com. We then gathered
up the results, fed them into the Mercury Sex-puter 2000
(version 2.0), and now hold in our hot sticky hands the most
comprehensive database of dirtiness ever compiled by humankind! HAAA!
HAAA! HAAAAAAAA! O, SWEET, UNBRIDLED POWER!!!

Anyway. Let’s get to the dirty parts. But first a disclaimer: The
following percentages have been rounded up, and have a plus or minus
reliability of 3%. If all percentages don’t add up to 100, don’t
embarrass yourself by writing in and reminding us of this fact. It only
means that a few people either didn’t vote, or got so horny they voted
twice. Now, let’s do this thing!

MEET JOE AND JANE PORTLAND

For the
purposes of this article, “Joe and Jane Portland” will represent the
average person filling out this survey. So what’s “average”? SO GLAD
YOU ASKED!

Very nearly 2,200 people filled out the Mercury Sex
Survey this year, with the lion’s share being between the ages of 21-30
(62%). More women than ever took the survey (a whopping 60% to the
men’s 39%)—which makes me happy, because women are statistically
less likely to answer a question with “Your mother.”

Now many of you
(that is, Joe and Jane Portland) may be wondering: “Where do all the
sexy people live? (Because I want to move there and have sex with
them.)” Well, Joe and Jane, you’ll be interested to know that most of
our participants live in North/Northeast (38%) and Southeast (34%). How
do we know they’re sexy? Well, first of all, they participated in this
survey, meaning they have at least a passing interest in the
subject—as opposed to those who live in Northwest (10%) and
downtown (2%) who do not. Secondly, the official sexual position of
both North and Southeast Portland is “doggy style” (25%), which is
clearly the sexiest of all sexy positions. Meanwhile, the predominant
sexual position in Northwest and downtown is missionary. Any further
questions?

YOUR “SEXUALITY”

Now, while Joe and Jane Portland may be
primarily straight (68%), they certainly aren’t narrow, as a good 20%
of you love diddling with BOTH genders. (That’s called bisexuality, or
bi-diddly… if you prefer.) And if you’ve been bitching and moaning
about there not being enough singles in this town—it’s time to
clap your yap. Thanks probably to the influx of newbies infiltrating
Portland (26% arrived since 2007!), there are POOP-TONS of singles out
there (31%), willing and ready to do it doggy style. Especially in the
North and Southeast. (Meanwhile, 15% of Joes and Janes are married, and
29% are in relationships of one form or another. However, some of these
are willing to do it doggy style with you also—since 20% prefer a
non-monogamous relationship.)

YOUR HISTORY OR HERSTORY

If you are
currently the parent of a pubescent, get ready for some disheartening
news: There’s an excellent chance your teen is going to get kissed,
fingered, handjobbed, orally gratified, penetrated, and orgasmed by the
time they’re 15. At least if YOU are any indication!

The average age
you first got romantically kissed was under 15 years of age (51%).
Meanwhile the majority of you got fingered/handjobbed, and orally
licked for the first time before you reached your 17th birthday (36
& 37%). And while most waited until almost 20 years old to be
penetrated (39%), you were thinking about it looooooong before then,
since you started masturbating and orgasming at the young age of 13 or
less (36%). Look. “Orgasming” is a word. So climb down off my ass.

Lies
(or medical ignorance, if you prefer) hit an all-time high this year
with our participants either blatantly fibbing about their
STDs—or gleefully ignoring them. Basically, nobody has
anything. Not even herpes—which I KNOW more than 3% of you
have. In fact, you claim the worst sexual problem you’ve ever had was
PREGNANCY (20%).

I can only hope your aborted fetus doesn’t live to
hear that.

YOUR “FEELINGS”

How do Joe and Jane Portland “feel” about
various topics of sexuality? Well, as the local Fox news affiliate
might say, “The answer MAY surprise you!” First we start with
every adult male’s favorite topic, CIRCUMCISION. You know how women
(and certain men) are always claiming they don’t care if a man is
circumcised or not? Well… THEY LIE! In our survey, women
wholeheartedly are in favor of less meat on a man (63% pro to 34% con),
if it will make that oily schlong look tidier. Now that you mention it,
that makes a lot of sense: If a woman can’t get a man to pick up his
dirty underpants off the floor, at least she’ll be able to count on a
tidy penis.

Speaking of not being so tidy, let’s talk MENSTRUATION.
Popular lore has it that men vomit into their shirt pockets at the
slightest mention of menstrual blood. How do they really feel? A
whopping 69% are all like “whatever” when it comes to having sex while
a woman is menstruating! Now. Aren’t you girls ASHAMED about making
your man cut off his foreskin? Well, you should be.

BTW, did you know 1%
of Portland men wear panties? I didn’t. (What do they know that we
don’t?)

Want another shocking statistic? YES, YOU DO! When it comes to
women achieving orgasm solely from penetration, only about 19% of gals
are able to do it. Meanwhile 28% come close (get it?), and 15% never
do. SO RELAX, FELLAS! Do your business, hop off, and run to Dairy Queen
to pick her up an Oreo Blizzard. She’ll take care of the rest.

While
we’re on the subject of unrealistic expectations, 35% of men really
aren’t too sure if their current partner has faked their orgasm or not.
Conversely, 29% of women adamantly claim they’re not faking anything!
Wait… this statistic just in… oh. It seems that 22% of women are in
actuality faking their o’s. Trust me guys: Just bring her back a Dairy
Queen Blizzard—that’s all she really cares about anyhow.

Okay, on
the off chance that Joe and Jane Portland DO have sexual coitus, HAVE
achieved sexual release, AND Dairy Queen is closed, what would you
guess is the first thing they’d do upon completion? Pee, scratch, wipe
off, smoke, get dressed, cuddle, or cry? You’d think “cuddle,” right?
WRONG! Portland sexy people know there’s nothing sexy about letting
your personal swamp drip all over your lover—so they wipe, Wipe,
WIPE! (36%, and then 34% cuddle. Awwww….)

HOW YOU DO IT WHEN
YOU DO IT

As previously mentioned, Portland does it doggy style.
However! That’s not all we like. For example, 55% love to hear a
ceaseless barrage of dirty cuss words spilling from their partner’s
mouth during the act. Oh! You like that do you? I bet you do, you
filthy little slut! (Hey… why are 45% of you walking away?)

Another
thing you like to do? Copy moves you’ve seen in porn flicks! Men and
women seem to equally enjoy (29% to 26%) emulating the moves they’ve
seen on movies or the internet. I do, too, but my lovers keep asking me
to stop whenever I sing “Chocolate Rain.” (Maybe they thought
“Chocolate Rain” meant something else?)

Remember how in 2005, rimjobs
were the big thing? (I do.) Well, you’ll be happy to know that in 2008,
the blowjob and muffdive are making big comebacks! According to our
poll 40% of respondents are cocksucking crazy for oral sex, while 46%
are huge fans. As for that annoying 4% who “enjoy oral sex almost as
much as a migraine,” maybe you should consider moving to Northwest
Portland. Because on the North or Southeast side? We love oral sex AND
doing it doggy style! (And did I mention happily masturbating in front
of our partners? No? A stunning 76% of us happily masturbate in front
of our partners.)

OKAY. Now I’ve got some good news and some bad news.
The good news is that MY lovers think I’m awesome at sex. The bad news
is that YOUR lovers think you could “use a little work.” That’s not to
say your lover isn’t generally satisfied with the quality of your
performance (45% are). It’s more of a “quantity” issue—in that
36% of the partners out there want more of what you’ve got to give. So
that’s good advice for 2008, which will heretofore be known as “The
Year for Putting Out.” Remember what my Burger King boss used to say to
me: “If you’ve got time to lean, you’ve got time to be sexually
demeaned.”

SEX: IT’S A COMPETITION!

Joe and Jane Portland are always
fretting over whether or not they’re getting penetrated or fingered
enough. I know how you feel—I’m always looking for my next
finger. However, are our expectations realistic? The majority of
Portlanders have had penetrative sex with different people somewhere
between 11-15 times so far in their lives… which is great for me,
because I’ve had sex with 16 different people. Unless you said 17, in
which case I would suddenly remember I’ve done it 18 times. (You get
the general idea.) And while handjobs and fingerings took a slight dip
this year (with only 23% actively administering them), you should
remember that handjobs make GREAT Christmas gifts.

Another thing Joe
and Jane are always freaking out about is the number of times they have
sex on a regular basis—because it’s not a competition, right?
WRONG! It is so too a competition, and you should be “in it to
win it!” But before you develop performance anxiety, check out this
sobering stat: The majority of our respondents (49%) are only boinking
once a week. Surely you can beat that! You just need the proper
motivation. Here’s a picture of Angelina Jolie to help you get
started.

Man. Those lips could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch.
Anyway, before we leave the subject, it should be noted that
masturbation is usually NOT a competition (except in my household), and
you should do that whenever the mood strikes. For the majority of you
(47%), that’s currently a weekly exercise.

So what are you fantasizing
about during your masturbatathons? Well, if our survey is any
indication, it’s ORAL SEX. You’re fascinated with the stuff! So much
so, in fact, that if there’s anything you want more of from your
partner, it’s a lot more sucky and licky! A whopping 52% of you want
more oral—eclipsing the number two wish which was “more kinky
sex” at 8%! That being said… please refer again to the picture of
Angelina Jolie. YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO.

THE REALLY DIRTY PART!

Now we’ve
arrived at the most popular part of our survey, where YOU write in your
answers to our most nosy questions! We asked you…

Hey Straight Men and
Lesbians! If forced to choose, which male celebrity would you most like
to boink?

(10) Barack Obama. (9) Ryan Reynolds. (8) Justin Timberlake.
(7) Adrien Brody. (6) Daniel Radcliffe. (5) Brad Pitt. (4) George
Clooney. (3) Johnny Depp. (2) Jake Gyllenhaal. And your #1 male celeb
that men and lesbos would like to boink? HEATH LEDGER. (Eww. Let’s
assume you answered that a few weeks ago.)

Honorable mention: “The
corpse of Rerun from What’s Happening!!“

Hey Straight Ladies and
Gays! If forced to choose, which female celebrity would you most like
to boink?

(10) Beyoncé. (9) Alyson “Willow from Buffy“
Hannigan. (8) Salma Hayek. (7) Keira Knightley. (6) Jessica Alba. (5)
Natalie Portman. (4) Cate Blanchett. (3) Maggie Gyllenhaal. (2)
Scarlett Johansson. And your #1 female celeb that ladies and gays would
like to boink? ANGELINA JOLIE.

Honorable mention: “That lady from the
Orbit gum commercial.”

What’s the best place to have public sex in
Portland?

Apparently, in the alleyway outside my building. • The
laundry room. • High schools on weekends. • Photo booth
at the Ace Hotel. • Portland Tub & Tan. • Angels/Ace of
Hearts. • Bathrooms at rontoms, Bluehour, Thatch, Crow Bar, Doug
Fir, Fez Ballroom, Holocene, Trader Joe’s (Hollywood location),
Scientology building, OMSI. • Burnside Skatepark. • Calvary
Chapel Cemetery. • Forest Park, Mt. Tabor Park, Laurelhurst Park,
Washington Park, any park. • Macy’s dressing room at Lloyd Center.
• On top of the Smart Parks. • Oregon/Paris Theaters. •
Glass elevators in the parking garages. • PSU gym locker room.
• Corn maze. • Airport family bathroom. • Pearl
room at Powell’s. • Roundabout in Ladd’s Addition. • Your
mom/ mom’s vagina/mom’s house/mom’s mouth/your dad.

What’s the craziest
place you’ve ever had sex?

With a minor in front of a police station.
• Top of Mount St. Helens. • Delta flight 200 to Rome.
• In the forest with a family of raccoons watching. •
The back of a horse. • South Dakota. • Port-a-potty. •
Roof of a McDonald’s. • Roman convent. • On top of Larry
Flynt’s executive office desk. • On the cold stone at Cold Stone
Creamery. • In the rafters of a church during service. •
In the car while my mom drove. • In the bedroom next to where my
husband was asleep. • In a model shower in the Ikea showroom.
• Gave my boyfriend a blowjob during church service. •
Former minority leader Tom Daschle’s pool. • A group home for
retardeds. • In the middle of a small lake. He jerked off in the
water and a baby fish gobbled it right up! • At a porn shop while
watching zombie porn. • Your mother/your mom/your mom’s
ass/your dad’s coffin.

I’m ashamed to say that, sexually, I’m kind of
into…

Amputees/girls with disabilities. • Anal sex—both
ways. • Autofellatio. • I’m a lesbian turned on by gay
erotica. • I like being choked, grabbed, slapped, tied up, and
cussed at. • Hot dads. • Rape fantasies. •
Strap-ons • Watching men finish. • Women’s rectums.
• 17-year-old Christian virgins. • Two men at once.
• Ann Romano. • Emo/thin pansy boys kissing. • Anorexic
girls. • Being molested while I pretend to sleep. •
Being publicly forced to admit what makes me ashamed. • Being
squirted on. • Being with a girl, while my husband watched. •
Bi sex and fat chicks. • Breastfeeding. • Cops. • Cream
pies. • Cuddling with dogs (just cuddling!). •
Daddy/daughter roleplaying. • Effeminate men who let me plow them
with a strap-on. • Fabric Depot • Girls with guns.
• Giving choad hickies. • Jacking off at adult theaters.
• Knee-high socks. • Lesbian domination. • My uncles.
• Romance. • Rimjobs. • Star Trek D/S
roleplay. • Super butches. • Thug dudez. • Your
mom/mom’s vagina/mom’s booty /your dad watching me do your mom.

The
sexiest thing I did in 2007 was…

Two girls, two coasts, 12 hours.
• Three-way with my friend and his wife. • Fell in love.
• Sex with my boss in a hotel paid for by work. • Sex with
another man while my partner watched. • Let my boyfriend strip me
on the street. • Masturbated at work, then at home made my
boyfriend smell and lick my fingers. • Sex on the hood of a truck.
• Webcam sex. • A hot three-way in a theater. • Banged a
chick I met online at her boyfriend’s house. • Ate cake naked.
• Gave a boy anal with my vibrator. • Gave oral to a straight
guy. • Sex in the park overlooking a Christian group having a
picnic. • Fingerbanged by a minor on a train. •
Held Morrissey’s hand. • Jacked off at work while someone watched.
• Made out with a (step) relative. • Put my leg behind my
head at a lesbian bar. • Tape recorded sex and took naughty
pictures. • Went dancing wearing a short skirt and no underwear.
• Your mom/mom’s dentures/mom’s butthole/mom’s mom while your mom
watched/your mom (and I’ll do her again in 2008!).

What’s this
fascination with my mom?

Until next year, stay “sexy” Joe and
Jane Portland!