We live in a society of laws. When the citizens of our fair city abide
by these laws, order and decency naturally follow. However, if these laws are
broken, there can be only one result: ANARCHY!

Let us take, for example, the masked menace known as “Spider-Man.” WHO IS
HE?? I will try to answer that question. To some misguided fools, he is a hero.
A so-called web-slinging “Lone Ranger,” interrupting criminals in the midst
of their nefarious deeds, and with the help of his unnatural powers, “catching
thieves just like flies.”

So, if he is a “HERO,” then why does he flee whenever approached by members of law enforcement? Why does he not work hand in hand with the police, helping rid Portland of its criminal element? And perhaps most importantly, why does he hide his face, making the conscious effort to frighten our city’s weak and elderly?

WHY? I’ll tell you WHY. Because Spider-Man is no hero! He is the basest of villains, an immoral wrongdoer who only PRETENDS to protect the innocent while using his mutated powers for his own ill-gotten gain! In short: Spider-Man is a menace to Portland AND HE MUST BE STOPPED!!


YOU WANT PROOF? OH, I’VE GOT PROOF!

There are certain weak-kneed liberals within City Hall (Erik Sten) who have
accused me of having a vendetta against this underhanded vigilante. That my
concern for the people of Portland is actually a front disguising an unquenchable
thirst for revenge. Well, this sort of rhetoric is to be expected from those
too scared to face the hard facts that Spider-Man is an unlawful scoundrel
whose sole reason for existence is thievery, wickedness, and hooliganism!

For example: Portland’s city government is desperately battling a budget shortfall–to the tune of five million big ones! And while much of our city’s budgetary problems can be blamed on the previously mentioned weak-kneed liberals (Erik Sten), miscreants like Spider-Man are causing untold damage to city architecture, as proven by his recent battle with Electro in the downtown public library! Their little “brawl” caused over 25,000 dollars worth of damage. And who’s going to pay for it? Certainly not Spider-Man! He’s too busy evading capture and planning his next crime wave! Yes, the person who will be shelling out the money to clean up after this cowardly felon is YOU: John Q. Taxpayer!!

Example two: You may have also read in these very pages that Qwest is tacking
extra charges on to your monthly phone bill. It seems the company is trying
to make up for “unexpected debt.” And exactly what is this “unexpected debt?”
Telephone lines and poles covered with icky, gooey webbing!! Oh, it’s
not enough that Spider-Man litters downtown buildings (including our own) with
his sticky spider byproduct! Qwest is now spending thousands on repairman overtime
to clean up that blasted wall-crawler’s disgusting mess! And who is this debt
passed along to? Why, that would be YOU: John Q. Billpayer!!

Example three: Spider-Man causes low self-esteem! How would you feel if you
were Police Chief Mark Kroeker, and your attempts to bring in major villains
such as Kingpin, Dr. Octopus, and Green Goblin were constantly being undermined
by a deviant saboteur by the name of Spider-Man? How do we know this low-down,
rotten, thug-in-disguise isn’t in cahoots with these nefarious crooks? How do
we know he isn’t a turncoat, pretending to aid the police in order to abscond
with his cohorts’ purloined loot?? If you were Chief Kroeker, you’d want to
move to L.A., too! Of course, if Kroeker does decide to transfer to Los Angeles,
we’ll be left without strong leadership in our police force, crime will run
rampant, and who will pay for it? Mmmm, that would be YOU: John Q. Crime
Victim!

Example four: Another one of Portland’s grave problems is “gentrification.” But don’t blame the yuppies for African Americans being driven from their homes! They’re leaving because black people are scared of Spider-Man! And who profits from that? YOU: John Q. Honky!

IN CONCLUSION

I could go on listing example upon example of how Spider-Man has ravaged the
city of Portland (and in next week’s editorial, I will). But for now, I would
like to make a plea on behalf of the decent people of our city–or what’s left
of them. We must not allow a lawless, hooded degenerate to be glamorized by
this city’s liberal element (Erik Sten)! No one is above the law! I call
upon nay, I INSIST that the Portland Police Bureau put all other cases aside,
and once and for all, bring this masked maniac to justice!!

Spider-Man is a menace, and a public enemy that must be jailednot hailed!