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The only part of Trumps speech worth watching.
The only part of Trump's speech worth watching. Mark Wilson/Getty Images

GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! Get to the club in a taxi cab, everybody's looking at me now. Like "Who's that chick, that's rockin' kicks? She's gotta be from out of town." LET'S GO TO PRESS.

Following the Iowa Caucus shit-show Monday night, results began trickling in yesterday that originally showed Bernie Sanders having a slim lead in the popular vote, while Pete Buttigieg got more votes from delegates—which OF COURSE inspired an entirely new shit-show on Twitter with conspiracy theorists screaming about how Pete had cheated and Bernie was getting screwed again just like in 2016. This morning the situation is roughly the same with 71 percent of the vote in and Bernie and Pete tied in delegates, but Pete holds a slight lead. Warren is in third and Biden—the guy who Trump was so panicked about he got himself impeached—is a distant fourth. Today the candidates are off to New Hampshire whose primary is next Tuesday.

And for those who are still upset about what's happening in Iowa, it's good to remember the message behind this headline: "It’s useful to remember how limited Iowa’s role in determining a nominee actually is."

Apparently Trump made some speech last night, but since he's a lying liar who has literally lied tens of thousands of times, I feel it would be journalistically unethical to repeat any of his bloviating nonsense. However I will report that House Speaker Nancy Pelosi ceremoniously ripped his speech in half, and she was being generous.

GOP Senator Susan Collins will join her craven co-workers today in voting against removing the most corrupt president in the history of the country. Our revenge will be sweet.

Hong Kong has imposed a 14 day quarantine for travelers, as the death toll from the coronavirus nears 500 in China.

In sad TV news: Shannon Doherty, of the original Beverly Hills, 90210 crew, has been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer—and she's got a pretty good outlook on it.

IN LOCAL NEWS: Micah Fletcher, the surviving victim of the 2017 MAX stabbings, took the stand yesterday to testify in the murder trial of Jeremy Christian, telling the jury he felt compelled to stick up for the people Christian was harassing because it was the "right thing to do."

Oregon House Speaker Tina Kotek says she's drafting legislation that would tax high-income earners to fund a sweeping homeless services program. Our Alex Zielinski has more.

HEY... you love "love," right? Then send the one you love a FREE Mercury readers valentine that we'll print in the paper on Valentine's Day! But hurry—the deadline is FRIDAY.

Now let's whip our heads upward for the WEATHER: Expect more showers and a warmer high of 50 today.

And finally, after a day like yesterday, we all need a fun dad like this: