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Coronavirus fears sweep the globe... and the stock market. If only we had a competent president to deal with it!
Coronavirus fears sweep the globe... and the stock market. If only we had a competent president to deal with it! d3sign / Getty

GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! Look at you, gettin' more than just a re-up. Baby you got all the puppets with their strings up. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

According to a whistleblower complaint, the Dept. of Heath and Human Services sent over a dozen workers to meet Americans who may have been exposed to the coronavirus without the benefit of protective gear or proper training for infection control. As he promised, Trump's doing a great job.

Trump is scrambling to maintain control of the quickly disintegrating coronavirus situation, which won't be easy since he dissembled Obama's team of infectious disease experts.

Coronavirus panic is most intense in the stock market, which has experienced one of its worst weeks since the financial crisis in '08. Naturally the cluelessness of Bumbling Trump isn't helping calm fears.

Democratic candidates are criss-crossing South Carolina today, trying to pick up as many votes as possible before taking on next week's Super Tuesday.

Meanwhile, establishment leaders in the Democratic party seem to be willing to take the risk of blowing the party apart, if it will stop Bernie Sanders from becoming the nominee—especially if he falls short of having a majority of delegates.

Over at the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC), Pence and Republicans are in a jubilant mood over the state of the Democrats and are already preparing for another four years of Trump in the White House.

Here's a very worth-your-time article about how women see their lives as a reflection of the Elizabeth Warren campaign: a woman who is more than capable and is clearly a top tier candidate, but is shunned for a supposed "lack of electability."

In Steven Seagal news (which we all agree there's not enough of): Seagal has agreed to settle charges with the SEC for refusing to disclose that he was paid to promote a cryptocurrency company on his social media accounts.

Today in "Don't Try This at Home" headlines: "A woman took 550 times the usual dose of LSD, with surprisingly positive consequences."

IN LOCAL NEWS: Oregon House members have voted to subpoena the chickenshit Republicans who keep walking out of their jobs, refusing to do the work that the voters elected them for.

City Council candidates Loretta Smith, Sarah Iannarone, Carmen Rubio, and Sam Adams have signed a letter blasting the arguments made by city attorneys claiming that Quanice Hayes caused his own death at the hands of Portland Police. Our Alex Zielinski—who wrote the article that brought this situation to much of the public's attention—has more.

Democratic State Senator Shemia Fagan (who unseated Democratic incumbent Rod Monroe in 2018) announced yesterday that she's running for Oregon Secretary of State, and our Blair Stenvick has the details.

HEY, YOU LOVE COCKTAILS, RIGHT? Then don't miss the upcoming Mercury HIGHBALL week, featuring 50 craft cocktails for only (*checks notes*) $5?? Wow!

Now let's gaze wistfully outside at the WEATHER: After a sunny start to the day (with a high of 58), rain will return this evening along with some scattered showers this weekend.

And finally, if you want yet another reason to throw your support behind Elizabeth Warren (though Bernie is a fine second choice), watch this hilarious game of "Guess the Billionaire" with Stephen Colbert!