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Protesters in Virginia demand end to social distancing orders.
Protesters in Virginia demand end to social distancing orders. Zach Gibson / Getty News

GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! I'm feeling your vibing. I'm riding high, its exotic. And I want you, I want you here. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

Gov. Brown announced the state will waive the one week waiting period that unemployed workers must endure before they're eligible for benefits, which could provide more than $100 million in addition money for jobless Oregonians. The change will be retroactive for those who have previously applied for benefits.

In more money news, Oregon is expected to receive $2.45 billion in federal coronavirus relief funding for schools and colleges, childcare, hospitals, airports, transit, large and small businesses, and more.

And while the extra money that will be coming to jobless workers is very needed, the state's janky unemployment system is still being overwhelmed with processing and payout requests.

As of yesterday, Oregon's number of confirmed coronavirus cases (that we know of) was at 1,736, with a death count of 64.

In a clear bid to reduce the number of dumb right-wingers in the state, a group of conservatives are planning to march on the Oregon state capitol to protest Gov. Brown's social distancing orders. Get nice and cozy, fellas! (Our Blair Stenvick has more on the story.)

For the rest of the school year, high school students will no longer be on the letter grading system; they'll either receive "pass or fail" designations, according to the Oregon Dept. of Education.

IN EXTREMELY LOCAL NEWS: (Like, in my house.)


President Trump has backed down after declaring "total authority" a few days ago, and now is advising governors to "call their own shots" as to when they should "reopen" their states—though he added it could be as early as May 1 or even sooner. Every educated person is saying otherwise... but hey! What's new?

Naturally certain states (like Florida and Idaho who have Republican governors) are following Trump's inadvisable advice and planning on reopening sooner rather than later, risking another epidemic.

Reminder: Over 33,000 Americans have died from COVID-19, roughly 11 times the number of people who perished during the 9/11 attacks.

The White House's new guide for reopening the country, while not absolutely terrible, is still causing scientists concern.

If you're one of the 60 million who hasn't received your stimulus check yet, it could be for any of five reasons.

The stock market surged today upon hearing positive news of an antiviral medication that could lessen symptoms in coronavirus sufferers.

If you're curious why so many conservatives seem to lack enough common sense to know how to take care of themselves and others during the COVID-19 crisis, much is due to BULLSHIT LIKE THIS: "After Fauci urged caution in reopening the economy, Fox News turned to Dr. Phil for a second opinion."

Joe Biden is already choosing his presidential transition team, which includes members who will tackle such big pressing topics as pandemics and climate change.

Elizabeth Warren says she would accept being Biden's running mate, and so would I! (I mean... I'd accept her being his running mate, not me... oh, you know what I mean.)

OH NO! Broadway and film actor Brian Dennehy (First Blood, Silverado, Cocoon, tons more) has died at the age of 81.


Need a laugh? Get your tickets PRONTO for the live stream edition of the I, Anonymous show on April 24! Check out the details and the KILLER lineup of comedians here!

And if you're looking for a fun AND FASHIONABLE way to support the Mercury, how about buying a Mercury "TP" T-shirt? BUT HURRY! They'll be gone forever after today!

Now let's squint at the skies for the WEATHER: An absolutely gorgeous Friday with a high of... 75???

And finally, presenting the guaranteed BEST rendition of "No Scrubs" you will ever hear in your life.