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VP Mike Pence: Jesus is all the face mask I need!
VP Mike Pence: "Jesus is all the face mask I need!" Tasos Katopodis / Getty News

GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! How could you ever be so cold? To go behind my back and call my friend? Boy, you must have gone and bumped your head. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

Ballots for the 2020 primary election will be dropping in your mailbox any day now, and LUCKY YOU, the Mercury just released our election endorsements! And may I be so bold as to say THEY ARE GREAT. Read them all here... or if you just want to know how to vote quick, check out our Voter Cheat Sheet!

Speaking of election things, Portland will finally begin enforcing the campaign donation rules that voters approved one and a half years ago. Our Alex Zielinski has more!

To accommodate more pedestrians and bikes on our streets during the COVID crisis, Portland is adopting the "Slow Streets|Safe Streets Initiative" which will limit cars and/or slow them down on certain roads. Get the details from our Blair Stenvick!

As of yesterday the number of confirmed COVID-19 cases in Oregon jumped to 2,385, and 99 Oregonians have died from the virus. Meanwhile the US has passed 1 million known positive coronavirus cases. And the national death count? Allegedly it's 53,000โ€”but according to the CDC it's most likely far higher than the numbers suggest.

In order to survive, bars and restaurants are begging the OLCC to let them offer cocktails or cocktail kits to go for their customers, since other states are already doing the same.

Washington Governor Jay Inslee says that although his state order will expire on May 4, residents can still expect lots of social distancing, and many of the restrictions will stay in place.


Despite the fact that they have become virus hotspots, Doctor President Trump is forcing meat plants to remain open and producing meats because America must have their MEEEEEEEATS!

Because he is a puckered, sanctimonious butthole, Vice President Mike Pence decided against wearing a face mask as he toured the Mayo Clinic, even though it was against hospital rules and everyone else was wearing them.

The economic news is... well, NOT GREAT. The economy shrank 4.8 percent in the first quarter of the year, and experts agree that the worst is yet to come.

Infectious disease expert Dr. Anthony Fauci says we can expect a second round of coronavirus and that, unless preventative measures are put in place, "we could be in for a very bad fall and a bad winter." GUESS WE BETTER DO THAT, THEN.

In potentially better news, Gilead, the makers of an experimental coronavirus drug, says that feds told them their drug was producing "positive data." Fingers crossed!

New York Mayor Bill de Blasio personally showed up to help break up a Rabbi's crowded funeral saying the gathering was "absolutely unacceptable."

Black activists and officials are delivering a stern message to Southern Republican governors who are foolishly and dangerously reopening their states this week: "You're effectively issuing a death sentence to Black Americans."

Related: "Georgia's daily coronavirus deaths will nearly double by August with relaxed social distancing, model suggests."

Beloved Bollywood star Irrfan Khan (Slumdog Millionaire, Life of Pi) has died at the age of 53.

America's largest movie chain, AMC, has boycotted Universal films after a spat involving the newest Trolls movie and the studio's new practice of releasing films in theaters and for home viewing at the same time.

If you need some cheering up after reading all this, turn your bad mood around quick with the Mercury Cheer Up Club, featuring the internet's biggest daily laughs!

Look, you're stuck inside, creative, going nuts, and need money, right? Then enter your short confinement-themed film in the Confinement (online) Film Festival, better known as CoFF!

Now let's glance skyward at the WEATHER: Partly sunny today with a high of 72, but expect showers tonight!

And finally, watching this little jerk get stymied at every turn is the mood I'm searching for today!