In a weird turn of events, those protesting stay at home orders are getting COVID-19. SO WEIRD.
In a weird turn of events, those protesting "stay at home" orders are getting COVID-19. SO WEIRD. Sean M. Haffey / Getty News

Here's your daily roundup of all the local and national news about COVID-19. (Like our coverage? Please consider donating to the Mercury to keep it comin'!)

• As of today, Oregon has 2,354 positive confirmed cases of COVID-19 that we know of. A total of 92 Oregonians have died, and just over 51,000 have been tested. The national death rate stands at 54,874. (Take a moment to reflect that these numbers represent not only human lives, but the lives of everyone connected to them. Also take a moment to remember that our president hasn't shown a smidge of concern for anyone but himself.)

• Welcome to the Best Coast: Colorado and Nevada have joined the Westside Connection Western States Pact. Our Blair Stenvick has more.

• The state's dependency on video lottery income (at a time when nobody can camp out at a dive bar and feed poker machines) is not looking good for schools, state parks, veterans' affairs, and the Oregon Health Authority.

• Oregon City Mayor Dan Holladay received a stern letter from Attorney General Ellen Rosenblum Friday, after he suggested reopening his city before Gov. Brown lifts her stay-at-home rule.

IN NATIONAL NEWS:

• Our idiot president canceled, and then un-canceled today's Coronavirus news briefing. Will he shit his pants harder than a colostomy bag hooked to a jet engine the second anyone asks him about bleach, "Hamberders," or "Noble" prizes?

• In a call with governors, our idiot president suggested—against the evidence of every sane human being, but especially medical experts—that states should reopen schools before the end of this academic year.

• The CDC has announced six additional symptoms that have been seen over and over again in coronavirus cases, and they are chills, repeated shaking with chills, muscle pain, headache, sore throat, and new loss of taste or smell.

• The Paycheck Protection Program got re-funded over the weekend, which should mean that small businesses should be able to take a second run at being rejected for the sake of throwing tens of millions at larger chains. But many can't even get that far this morning because the Small Business Administration's web portal is already crashed.

• Oh, and guess what other "small business" was caught taking SBA money, and has been shamed into giving it back? The LA Lakers. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

• If you've been trying to keep it together on quarantine by repeating the mantra "it's only one more month..." maybe change those lyrics to "two more months," according to the White House's top health experts.

• On the other hand, in some states, things are tentatively reopening already, including Georgia, where some movie theaters are going to try to sell tickets (because watching Trolls World Tour on the big screen is worth a case of COVID-19, apparently) and Tennessee, where restaurants are opening their doors on the same day the state saw its biggest single day jump in verified infections.

• The Lord moves in mysterious ways: "A Virginia preacher believed ‘God can heal anything.’ Then he caught coronavirus."

• The Lord moves in mysterious ways, part two: The leader of the ReOpen North Carolina group of protesters says that she now has COVID-19.

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• If you need some cheering up after reading all this, turn your bad mood around quick with the Mercury Cheer Up Club, featuring the internet's biggest daily laughs!

• Look, you're stuck inside, creative, going nuts, and need money, right? Then enter your short confinement-themed film in the Confinement (online) Film Festival, better known as CoFF!

• And finally, this is what TikTok was like in the old-timey days!