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OKAY, okay, now that we've all spent at least 20 minutes looking at that constipated lizard, here are the headlines.

• Neighborhood streets throughout Portland will become more pedestrian- and bike-friendly today to accommodate life during the pandemic. Find your nearest neighborhood greenway and go for a walk!

• The Trump administration has released a new guidance for handling sexual assault cases on school campuses. And, que surpresa, the new guidelines will make things harder for sexual assault survivors.

• While all of us are staying home all the time, Amazon is making $10,000 a second. Catch more coronavirus news in our daily roundups.

• Cue the mariachi:

• The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has put together a list of detailed safety guidelines for when states begin to reopen. They include commonsense public health measures, like restricting daycare to children of essential workers at first, and ramping up disinfecting measures at churches and businesses. But the Trump administration has rejected them, saying they're too strict.

• Neiman Marcus has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy. The department store giant has been struggling financially for a while, but closing stores during the pandemic exacerbated its problems.

• Doctors believe that a new inflammatory syndrome in kids may be linked to COVID-19. Its symptoms include a fever, intense stomach pain, and vomiting.

• Presented without comment:

• Remember Bridgegate, when New Jersey's then-Gov. Chris Christie shut down a major bridge and caused an epic traffic jam because of petty grievances with a mayor? Well, the US Supreme Court just overturned convictions against two Christie cronies, saying their actions in Bridgegate didn't add up to fraud.

Headline of the Day: "Smooth-Brained Reality TV Is Here to Stay."