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So-called Christians sue governor for the right to endanger the lives of fellow worshippers.
So-called "Christians" sue governor for the right to endanger the lives of fellow worshippers. deviousrlm / iStock / Getty Images Plus

GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! Fell asleep late last night, crying like a newborn child. Holding myself close, pretending my arms are yours. I want no one but you. LET'S GO TO PRESS.

Yesterday Gov. Kate Brown released her plans to safely reopen Oregon... and it is a lot. In short, certain retail establishments (including select restaurants) can begin reopening around the state starting May 15 IF their counties meet certain public health requirements. Meanwhile large events like sports, festivals, and concerts are effectively cancelled through at least September (and maybe longer). Yeah, it's a lot to digest... but don't fret, our Blair Stenvick breaks it all down for you.

Ten Oregon churches—Christian ones, of course—are suing the governor so they can return to their large, unnecessary gatherings, because modern Christianity is increasingly a selfish practice that has less to do with the teachings of Christ and more to do with political pursuits. Rather than pray at home, these sham Christians are willing to sacrifice the lives of fellow worshippers for the opportunity to line their preacher's pockets with money, because... God won't love them anymore if they stay at home and protect their neighbors? Oh, ye of little faith.

Mayor Ted Wheeler's new proposed budget for the city, which comes with a proposed $5.52 billion price tag due to COVID-related expenses. Our Alex Zielinski takes on the herculean job of explaining it all in simple terms.

While COVID-19 may have killed the majority of summer local events, Pedalpalooza is refusing to get off their bikes in 2020, and are employing lots of creativity to avoid cancellation. Our Alex Zielinski has more.

The Nordstrom's in the Clackamas Town Center is permanently closing along with 15 more outposts of the department store across the country.

In Seattle, 20 miles of roads were closed to assist in social distancing, and now those same roads will remain permanently shut down to cars even after the state ban is lifted, according to the city's mayor.

IN NATIONAL NEWS:

More than 20.5 million Americans lost their jobs in April, something that hasn't happened since the Great Depression. (And that number could be an understatement.) The unemployment crisis is hitting minorities especially hard.

A sad, though probably accurate quote from the Washington Post: "As states slowly reopen, 77 percent of laid-off U.S. workers believe they will get their jobs back after the crisis. But economists warn that over 40 percent of job losses could become permanent."

Trump's Justice Department (helmed by the president's toady Bill Barr) has dropped the criminal case against Michael Flynn, who pleaded guilty TWICE to charges of lying to investigators about Russia's interference in the 2016 election—and legal experts are mystified by this brazen act of political corruption.

One of Trump's personal valets—OooOOOOoooh! A personal valet!—who was often in close contact with the president has tested positive for COVID-19—though thus far both Trump and Veep Mike Pence have tested negative, according to people who may or may not be telling the truth.

After months of inaction from Georgia police, two white men have finally been charged with murder after the fatal shooting and assault of Ahmaud Arbery, a Black 25-year-old who was out jogging.

CHECK THIS SHIT OUT: A Black Michigan state representative returned to work at the capitol building surrounded by armed Black citizens to bring attention to the fact that state police did nothing when white protesters with guns stormed the statehouse, threatening the governor and lawmakers. Seriously, click that link, because that photo is FIRE.

If you need some laughs, may we suggest the I, ANONYMOUS SHOW livestreaming into your home TONIGHT Friday May 8 at 8 pm! Mindblowing rants and confessions, paired with a panel of hilarious comics! *chef's kiss*

Look, you're stuck inside, creative, going nuts, and need money, right? Then enter your short confinement-themed film in the Confinement (online) Film Festival, better known as CoFF!

Now let's squint at the skies for some WEATHER: Get our your thongs for three sunny, hot days in a row, all with temps in the lower to upper 80s!

And finally, "Janice... get in the front row, Janice... JANICE!!"