Good Morning, News: Back to the Future Day, Ahmed Leaves the Country, and Hillbillies Try to Vote Away Gun Laws

GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! How easy it would be to show me how you feel. More than words is all you have to do to make it real. LET’S GO TO PRESS.

Portland cops arrest the same woman twice for the same crime… and here’s why it might cost you $12,500.

Signature gatherers in Coos County Oregon want to vote on nullifying any existing local gun laws including background checks. Sounds like they’d really like to take this to the Supreme Court, which is fine by me.

A Portland Public School principal is terminated after an alleged incident of domestic violence during a camping trip.

Oh, and HAPPY BACK TO THE FUTURE DAY! Let’s play some Huey Lewis, shall we?

Wisconsin congressman and jerkoff Paul Ryan has oh-so-graciously offered himself up to be the new Republican Speaker of the House—if all the contentious GOP members line up and kiss his ass. That’s quite an offer, you silver-tongued devil!

Meanwhile presidential wannabe Jim Webb decides to back out of the Democratic race—but he’s still in it to win it as an independent!

Ahmed Mohamed, the Texas teen arrested for building a digital clock at school that was stupidly mistaken for a bomb, is moving to Qatar to continue his studies. Thanks a bunch, hillbillies! You lost us another good one.

An NYPD officer is shot in the head during a gun battle, making him the fourth officer to be killed in the line of duty in 11 months.

A prominent Mormon leader criticizes homophobe county clerk Kim Davis for inciting a “culture war.”

Both Donald Trump and Ben Carson are asking for Secret Service protection—even though crazy people rarely ever shoot other crazy people.

Get well soon, Price is Right‘s Bob Barker, who is in stable condition after falling and hitting his head at home.

And now let’s go to WEATHER town: Cloudy but dry today, with sun returning for the weekend.

And finally, WAKE UP YOU STUPID SLEEPY KITTEN!!