Good Morning, News: Blazers Wear PDX Carpet, and FIFA is Corrupt (Surprise!)

GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! I’m looking for Mrs. Bubble Gum. I’m Mr. Chik-O-Stick. I wanna (dun dun dunt oh) ’cause you so thick. LET’S GO TO PRESS.

Oregon’s got it’s own whistleblower, one of the state’s top computer officials Michael Rodgers, who leaked former Gov. Kitzhaber’s emails to the Willamette Week out of fear they would be deleted.

In what will surely be another huge boost for Portland tourism, there’s this headline: “Portland’s ‘professional cuddler’ gets three yes votes on ‘America’s Got Talent.'” LOOK. Tourism brings money to the city, creating more jobs for YOU. So embrace the cuddler!

Question: “Should the PDX Carpet grace the Blazers jerseys?” Answer: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Soccer’s governing body FIFA is under investigation after 14 officials are indicted on corruption charges.

Because he fucked it up so badly the first time, OF COURSE Rick Santorum is once again running for president.

In much more positive news, the awesome Bernie Sanders is also running for president. YAY!!

A senior Vatican official learns of Ireland’s vote for same-sex marriage and belly-aches that it’s a “defeat for humanity.” OH SHUT UP, SENIOR VATICAN OFFICIAL.

Reddit users figure out a way to crash your iPhone by sending it a text message. Cancer hasn’t been cured yet, has it? Maybe these guys could cure cancer instead.

A woman in Papua New Guinea is axed to death after being accused of witchcraft following a measles outbreak.

Because guns keep us safer: 108 people were shot in Chicago, Boston, and New York over the Memorial Day weekend.

Also because guns keep us safer: A North Dakota airman shoots two employees in a Walmart before turning the gun on himself.

OKAY! HOW ABOUT SOME WEATHER? After these clouds break, check out the GORGEOUS weather we’re going to have for the rest of the week!

And finally, check out this baby’s reactions to taking her first bites of avocado. It’s like she’s in Guantanamo!