Credit: NOAA / Getty Images

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Dorian slams Bahamas, moves toward Carolinas and Georgia
Dorian slams Bahamas, moves toward Carolinas and Georgia NOAA / Getty Images

GOOD MORNING, PORTLAND! I want you to know you could be the one for me. (Yes, you could.) You’ve got all I’m looking for, you’ve got personality. LET’S GO TO PRESS.

Hurricane Dorian, after stalling over the Bahamas, has devastated the islands, crushing houses, killing at least seven, and leaving nearly 60 percent of Grand Bahama under water. Dorian is expected to hit Georgia and the Carolinas later today.

Today in yet more Trump administration corruption:

Britain’s Prime Minister Boris Johnson, in his haste to have his country leave the European Union by Halloween, is facing a rebellion from within and proposing a “snap election” which could either ruin his political ambitions or make his Brexit dreams come true.

Hong Kong’s chief executive has decided to withdraw the extradition bill that led to mass protests across the city—but it will probably do little to slow the demonstrators who now have a lot of things to get off their chests.

Google and YouTube have been slapped with a $170 million fine for tracking children’s viewing habits and then targeting them with ads.

Here’s your reminder that Meghan McCain is the worst:

Good news: Following public and worker outrage around America’s repeated mass shootings, Walmart has agreed to stop selling ammunition for military-style weapons, and will no longer allow customers to “open carry” in their stores.

Good news: A state court panel in North Carolina has thrown out legislative maps that the GOP gerrymandered, ordering the state to redraw new maps ahead of the 2020 election.

In other good news, the founder of conversion therapy—that idiotically promised to “cure” Christians of being gay—has come out of the closet and now rejects his former ideas.

Yet more good news: Republican Texas Rep. Bill Flores has announced he will not be seeking reelection, adding to the growing list of Republicans in the state who are abandoning ship.

Keep the good news coming: Michigan is the first state to ban e-cigarettes seemingly designed to attract young smokers with flavors such as bubblegum and “froot loops.”

In joyous LIZZO news:

Cautionary headline of the day: “Teen goes ‘blind’ from 7-year diet of french fries, white bread and ham slices, doctors say.”

IN LOCAL NEWS: A woman in Montavilla was shot and killed yesterday, making it the fourth shooting in this neighborhood this month.

Kirsten Naito—granddaughter to prominent civic leader Bill Naito—has thrown her hat into the ring for the Multnomah County District Attorney race. Our Blair Stenvick has more.

YOU LOOK THIRSTY. Have a $5 slushy! YOU ALSO LOOK LIKE YOU NEED A LAUGH. Get your tickets now for the Undisputable Geniuses of Comedy, coming at you on Sept 21! OH! AND YES, YOU DO LOOK SEXY! Tickets for HUMP! 2019 are right here.

Now let’s gaze skyward to the WEATHER: Another mostly sunny day with a summery high of 85.

And finally, if you’ve ever wanted to watch Matthew McConaughey being drowned by Zach Galifianakis, then I’m pleased to present the new trailer for Between Two Ferns: The Movie.

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)

6 replies on “Good Morning, News: Dorian Devastates Bahamas, Lots of Government Corruption, and SIX (!) Examples of Actual Good News!”

  1. “Meghan McCain [*] suggests civilians will shoot other Americans if there’s an assault weapons ban: ‘The AR-15 is by far the most popular gun in America … if you’re talking about taking people’s guns, there’s going to be a lot of violence.'”

    If having guns makes us safer then

    In the United States we should be

    Thee SAFEST Place on the Planet.

    When an Experiment fails

    (40,000+ gun Deaths/year right here)

    For how long shall that Experiment (in madness)

    Continue?

    Do we just hang back and

    Wait to see which kills us quickest?

    Catastrophic Climate Change or the

    nra?

    Frankly, I’m not sure which I prefer.

    How ’bout NEITHER.

    [*] is meghan mccain actually the illegitimate Love Child of

    the donald j trump? other than daddy John’s stupid choice

    of $arah (I ain’t Crazy — I just Act that Way!!) Paylin for VP

    he wasn’t totally insane. I blame Lust.

  2. “Teen goes ‘blind’ from 7-year diet of french fries,

    white bread and ham slices, doctors say.”

    Nonsense.

    It’s (most likely) from his* Mastrubatory Tendencies.

    Which is why MY eyesight is failing

    I’m pretty sure.

    *boys will be Boys!

  4. Erm, say what you wish about McCain but she’s not wrong. Just how do some of you see a gun ban going down, anyway? You think the government is simply going to ban guns and gun owners are going to be all like, “OK” and lay them down on the White House lawn?

    Yeah. Good luck with that. It’s going to be the bloodiest thing any of us has ever seen (since the Civil War wasn’t photographed or filmed).

  5. “It’s going to be the bloodiest thing any of us has ever seen… “

    Right, because no one in the country’s smart

    enough to figure the really tough shit out.

    Oh well. We tried.

    Looks like the nra wins.

    Again.

    Cain’t wait til the Next Massacre.

    If only we ALL had guns,

    think how much Safer we’d all be.

    I’m thinking of getting a Tank (I just cannot resist the Twin Flamethrowers [up to 200′!] Option. They all come with 50 pocket nukes [for close-in work!]).

    Thank God for that 2nd Amendment.

    ‘Regulations’? Who needs ’em?

  6. From the NYT: “That Assault Weapon Ban?

    It Really Did Work

    Since the ban was lifted in 2004, gun massacres involving military-style weapons are way up.

    We found that public mass shootings — which we defined as incidents in which a gunman killed at least six people in public — dropped during the decade of the federal ban. Yet, in the 15 years since the ban ended, the trajectory of gun massacres has been sharply upward, largely tracking the growth in ownership of military-style weapons and high-capacity magazines.”

    Some people like to say, there’s Nothing that can be done.

    Others disagree.

    https://www.nytimes.com/2019/09/04/opinion/assault-weapon-ban.html

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