GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! When you’re gone I do my own thing. ‘Cause I catch a bone, while you dogging me. LET’S GO TO PRESS.
A body was found floating in the Willamette near the Morrison Bridge last night—it still has not been identified.
Despite prior promises, Portland police has left thousands of untested sexual assault kits on their shelves, and admit they could have helped solve at least 500 cases.
Portland rocker Fred Cole (of Dead Moon) is reportedly doing much better after collapsing onstage at Bumbershoot. Get well soon, Fred!
Kentucky county clerk (and jackass) Kim Davis says that if deputies decide to issue marriage licenses to same sex couples, she would not stand in their way. What a thoughtful, tax-wasting Christian she is!
Egyptian military were chasing terrorists through the desert when they accidentally attacked and killed a group of Mexican tourists.
Donald Trump is now going after his nearest competition for the GOP presidential nod, the nearly as stupid Ben Carson. (I wonder if the Republicans know they’re the victims of the biggest troll-job in history?)
A concert company is launching a Whitney Houston hologram world tour. In related news, my hologram is writing this.
Well, it took 32 years, but the Miss America pageant finally apologized to Vanessa Williams for their shitty treatment of her following her nude photo scandal.
Florida Man texts his drug dealer—but whoops! It’s actually a police captain. Oh, drugs! What will you do next?
Hey, what’s up WEATHER? “The high today is 65, and expect cool, showery weather for the next four days!” That’s a switch.
And finally, it’s Monday morning guys! It’s time to GO! GO! GO!
Wow, did you really just call a neurosurgeon stupid?
hmmm…