Good Morning, News: Malheur Militants Arrested (Spokesman Dead), and Trump Chickens Out BAWK! BAWK! BAWK!

GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! I am thinking it’s a sign, that the freckles in our eyes are mirror images, and when we kiss they’re perfectly aligned. LET’S GO TO PRESS.

At long last federal officers have arrested some of the members of the Burns occupation (AKA the Yahoo Militia). Yesterday afternoon, the Feds pulled over a car carrying some of the occupiers and arrested seven of them on the spot, including ringleader Ammon Bundy and his brother Ryan Bundy. One of the more vocal instigators, Robert “LaVoy” Finicum allegedly rushed the police during the stop and was shot and killed. An eighth member of the gang, Jon Ritzheimer (who you may remember from his crybaby videos) surrendered to cops in Arizona. All were charged with the felony of conspiracy to interfere with a federal official.

And guess what? The arrested occupiers have been moved to a Portland jail! (Ugggh! WORST TRANSPLANTS EVER!)

The FBI has told the remaining Malheur occupiers (estimated at around 40, including children) to go home—though only a few have left. It’s day 26 of the occupation.

The FBI is also setting up checkpoints into and out of the refuge—just in case any other yahoos make the poor decision to join this party.

Two homeless people in Seattle are dead after a “very targeted attack” in which they were shot at an encampment. Suspects are still at large.

The Ohio EPA says that national water regulations are broken, and explain how they headed off the disaster that is still leaving Flint residents without drinkable water.

Clickbaity website BuzzFeed is getting sued for $11 million by a European news agency for defamation, caused by an article titled, “King of Bullshit News.”

Speaking of bullshit, Republican candidate Marco Rubio is spinning a new bullshit yarn about Planned Parenthood, calling shenanigans on the dubious claim that its supporters are also prosecuting two anti-abortion activists. (These are the lying liars that slandered Planned Parenthood with those debunked “fetal tissue videos.”)

Donald Trump is chickening out of the final GOP debate—probably to avoid questioning from Fox’s Megyn Kelly, who he calls “a lightweight.” BAWK! BAWK! BAWK!

Looks like the shine is off the Apple, as the company’s sales of its most popular product, the iPhone, have flatlined and are producing numbers far below expectations.

Let’s see what’s going on in WEATHER WORLD: It’ll be an unseasonably BALMY day with a high of 58 degrees! Break out those thongs!

And finally, going to school. LIKE A BARBIE BOSS! (via)