GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! I know you see me this night, that night, always my shit tight. Hair done, outfit crazy. Skirts fit just right. LET’S GO TO PRESS.

Mayor Ted Wheeler has been awarded Dope Magazine‘s Oregon “Person of the Year.” Wait… WHAT??

The mayor also wants to bring self-driving cars to Portland... because I think we can all agree that this person-driving car situation just isn’t working out.

A Portland Police veteran has been arrested after being suspected of drinking and driving.

Rents in some areas of Portland are actually falling, says people you probably can’t trust.

Today in 🙁

If the GOP wasn’t panicking then, they are now: Democrat Jon Ossoff almost won a conservative Georgia district outright last night, coming in just shy of the 50 percent he needed, and will face a weak Republican challenger in June.

Today in “Wow. Trump actually lies about EVERYTHING.”: “Despite talk of a military strike, Trump’s ‘armada’ actually sailed away from Korea.”

The asshole who murdered a grandfather and then posted it to Facebook is dead.

Former New England Patriot Aaron Hernandez, who was convicted for murder, hanged himself in his prison cell.

According to activists, a young undocumented immigrant who was supposedly protected by the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals (DACA)—also known as the dreamer program—has been deported to Mexico.

Violence broke out at Auburn University in Alabama, after racist, white Nazi shithead Richard Spencer held a lecture. Unfortunately no one punched him in his stupid face. (But hey! The day’s still young.)

The board of 21st Century Fox, the parent company of Fox News, will meet this week to decide the fate of dickhead host Bill O’Reilly who is the subject of yet ANOTHER sexual harassment charge.

Yes but, what about the WEATHER: Showers today and a balmy high of 61.

And finally, today you are this bunt. BE THE BUNT.

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)