GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! Hot damn, see you licking frosting from your own hands. Want another taste, I’m begging, “Yes, ma’am.” LET’S GO TO PRESS.

FBI agents involved in the LaVoy Finnicum shooting are now under investigation for claiming they weren’t involved. However bullet casings from the scene have mysteriously disappeared.

Finalists have been announced for the prestigious James Beard awards, and as usual, Portland chefs are killing it.

Two former U of O basketball players who were kicked out because of rape charges (but never officially charged) are now suing the university.

An Idaho sheriff makes the observation that most rape kits are unnecessary, since most rape accusations are fake… and OH BOY IS THIS DUMMY IN TROUBLE.

President Obama offers up his nomination for the Supreme Court, and it’s progressive federal appeals court judge Merrick Garland. Republicans say, “Oh, actually he’s a pretty good choice.” You know I’m joking, right?

To the surprise of no one, both Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump took the lead in yesterday’s third Super Tuesday—but with Trump all but unstoppable now, are we looking at the possibility of a viable third party candidate?

Oh, and so long, Marco Rubio! (I hear Jimmy John’s is hiring.)

Donald Trump warns that there will be riots if the GOP doesn’t choose him as their presidential nominee. (I think he’s grossly overestimating the energy level of his moonshine-swilling hillbilly base.)

Remember the college student who was arrested for stealing a political banner in North Korea? Well, that prank just got him sentenced to 15 years of hard labor.

Asian Hollywood stars (such as George Takei and Sandra Oh) have labelled the Academy’s lame apology for their racist Oscars sketch as… well, lame.

A Duke University roboticist warns senators that “someone is going to die” from using self-driving car technology. Okay, but more or less than they’re already dying now?

A Pennsylvania man has pled guilty to hacking into the private accounts (and stealing nude photos) of celebrities such as Jennifer Lawrence.

Now let’s look at the WEATHER SITUATION: Today expect a high 57 and… wait… what… wait… THAT’S SUN!! THAT’S SUN!!!

And finally, LOOK! This sloth wants to cuddle! (Don’t worry, he’ll get there eventually.)

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)