GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! I just left my baby’s house, and I got the strength I needed. Knowing that the beast of man is very hard to please. LET’S GO TO PRESS.

Lots of icy weather is making driving a nightmare east of Portland in the Gorge.

Portland city council might finally pass permanent rules for Uber and Lyft today—but what does it mean for pedicabs?

The Blazers fall apart in the fourth quarter to lose to the Dallas Mavericks, 115-112. Check out Blogtown’s b-ball correspondent Rob Simonsen’s recap here!

Starbucks is pulling certain holiday sandwiches off their shelves after an E. coli scare involving God’s most despised vegetable, CELERY. (Seriously, you shouldn’t be eating celery even in the best of circumstances.)

A man detained at Guantanamo Bay for 13 years is discovered to be a victim of (whoops) mistaken identity.

A new and permanent US “expeditionary force” is being sent to Iraq and Syria to target ISIS militants.

Donald Trump’s newest idea to take out ISIS? Murder their families. (Yep, murder their families.)

Here’s something that won’t make Trump or his followers happy: According to researchers, the Statue of Liberty was based on an Arab woman. HO! HO! HOOOOO!!!

Meanwhile, remember the grand plans of ISIS to create their own state? Turns out it isn’t as easy as they thought, and residents are sick of their inability to provide basic services.

Republicans are ready to pass a measure that would attempt to dismantle Obama’s health plan AND defund Planned Parenthood. It will pass, it will get vetoed, end of story.

In other Planned Parenthood news, Alabama has finally given up on their illegal and hopeless attempts to cut the women’s health organization out of Medicaid funds.

The newly elected mayor of Juneau, Alaska is found dead in his home, and there are rumors of foul play.

Consumer and health groups are screaming bloody murder over a Mexico Coke commercial that depicts young, gorgeous honkies serving the soft drink to indigenous people.

Facebook billionaire Mark Zuckerberg announces the birth of his daughter, and says he will give away 99 percent of his Facebook stock—aaaaand oh boy, did the Internet have a field day with that!

Congrats to Morrissey for winning the prestigious “Bad Sex in Fiction” award. From his book List of the Lost:

“At this, Eliza and Ezra rolled together into one giggling snowball of full-figured copulation, screaming and shouting as they playfully bit and pulled at each other in a dangerous and clamorous rollercoaster coil of sexually violent rotation with Eliza’s breasts barrel-rolled across Ezra’s howling mouth and the pained frenzy of his bulbous salutation extenuating his excitement as it whacked and smacked its way into every muscle of Eliza’s body except for the otherwise central zone.”

Now let’s check out the WEATHER outside: High of 45 today with showers and quick peeks of the sun.

And finally, think Black Friday in America is crazy? Check out what happens at this store in Brazil! (The tension is unbearable… but what a payoff!)

https://youtube.com/watch?v=4dfiPUQLlog

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)

One reply on “Good Morning, News: Starbucks E. coli Scare, Donald Trump Wants to Murder Families, and Morrissey Ain’t So Sexy”

  1. While we certainly couldn’t endorse the killing of innocents to stop terrorism, Trump is actually right here – it would stop these assholes if they knew their family would be killed.
    The drug cartels to the south seem to have adopted this stance to their benefit pretty well too.

Comments are closed.