Good Morning News: Supermoon, Water on Mars, and Smithers Comes Out!

GOOD MORNING, BLOGTOWN! Attracting honeys like a magnet, giving them ear-gasms with my mellow accent. LET’S GO TO PRESS.

In case you missed it, last night was the SUPERMOON LUNAR ECLIPSE—which also happens to be the name of my anime cosplay character.

It’s the fourth anniversary of homeless encampment Right 2 Dream Too, and for their present they’re not going to be able to move to their new home until at least 2016. And no cake.

A downtown shooting on early Sunday morning leads to a car chase all the way to Fairview.

Results from the Portland State of Housing Report are pretty much what you’d expect; rents jumped up on average $100-plus per month, and minorities are the most affected.

Scientists are convinced that water—and perhaps, some form of life—exists on Mars. And they all look like Matt Damon, which is hot.

While Vice President Joe Biden hasn’t revealed his presidential plans, it’s widely assumed he’s waiting on the bench and ready to jump into the game if Hillary Clinton’s campaign implodes.

Meanwhile Donald Trump is calling for an overhaul of the tax code which would eliminate income tax for millions of Americans—but don’t worry, he’s snuck in some sweetheart deals for the rich as well.

Now that House Speaker John Boehner is retiring, he feels comfortable in letting his tongue off the leash and lambasting fellow Republicans, who he’s calling “false prophets.”

According to civil rights groups, homophobic mobs in Kenya have been viciously attacking LGBT people, and the cops refuse to do anything about it.

On The Simpsons this season, Smithers—Mr. Burns long suffering assistant—will finally come out as gay.

Star Vin Diesel says that the long-running Fast and Furious franchise will end after three more films, and NO THAT’S NOT ENOUGH!!!

Now here’s what’s up with the WEATHER situation: A warm end to September with sunny skies and highs in the upper 70s.

And finally, if you’re in Michigan, and you’re pumping gas, and you see a scary spider, what might happen if you try to chase it away using a lighter? THE ANSWER IN THE VIDEO BELOW!