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THE NUCLEAR OPTIONS—Donald Trump will meet with Kim Jong-un to discuss North Korea’s nuclear program—and in an administration where surprising, bewildering shit happens constantly, it’s worth stressing that this shocking, bewildering thing is a particularly big deal. North Korea’s invitation to Trump is, as the New York Times notes, “an audacious diplomatic overture that would bring together two strong-willed, idiosyncratic leaders who have traded threats of war,” and adds that for Trump, “a meeting with Mr. Kim, a leader he has threatened with ‘fire and fury’ and has derided as ‘Little Rocket Man,’ is a breathtaking gamble.”
RATED “M” FOR MATURE—In other news from the White House, Trump had a “respectful but contentious” meeting with video game executives yesterday. (“This is violent, isn’t it?” Trump said as they watched a compilation of violent sequences from games.) “For game industry insiders,” points out Polygon, “the meeting is seen as a diversionary tactic to take attention away from the gun lobby and the National Rifle Association, which is facing strong public opposition in the aftermath of the murder of 17 people at a mass shooting in Parkland, Florida, three weeks ago.”
NOW WITH EXTRA SALMONELLA!—”Oregon health officials are warning people not to use the herbal supplement kratom after testing found salmonella in numerous samples,” warns Kristian Foden-Vencil! “Cases in Washington and Malheur counties are linked to a national outbreak that’s sickened 48 people in 30 states.”
GOTCHA!—”Bones discovered on a Pacific island in 1940 are ‘likely’ to be those of famed pilot Amelia Earhart,” says the BBC. Using measurements of the bones and “Fordisc, a modern computer programme now widely used by forensic anthropologists,” researchers are pretty sure these are Earhart’s bones? And yet! The mystery continues, because sometime between 1940 and now, the actual bones were lost. EVEN IN DEATH, AMELIA EARHART REFUSES TO BE FOUND!
OBAMA ON NETFLIX—”Barack Obama and Netflix have had conversations about the former president and his wife, Michelle, producing shows for the streaming service,” says CBS. I know it probably won’t be this, but maybe the Obamas can just get their own a sitcom? The premise of the sitcom is that they are still the president and the first lady and they still live in the White House and everything is great. Joe Biden lives in the attic! Alternately, maybe Obama plays a weird new neighbor on Stranger Things? Or a cool new Vulcan ambassador on Star Trek: Discovery! Call me, Netflix, I have tons of great ideas for yo—
COGNAC CRIME, PART I—Contrary to what my high-school guidance counselor told me, bootlegging is still a viable career option. New Hampshire officials claim that wily bootleggers are buying vast quantities of Hennessy in their state and then selling it elsewhere! One booze-bustin’ official claims to have “witnessed two people arriving in a vehicle with New York license plates and spending approximately $24,000 on Hennessy products.”
COGNAC CRIME, PART II—Yep, still on this one. “I started hearing anecdotes of people coming in with wads of cash stuffed in their socks,” says that same New Hampshire official, who is really serious about getting to the bottom of this. “Wads of cash that smell of perfume because on Wednesdays, apparently the strip club owners in New York come over to buy their liquor in bulk, and the office of the liquor store smells from the perfume.”
OVERDUE—TNT has canceled the Portland-filmed show The Librarians. “I will immediately begin the process of trying to move the show elsewhere,” promised executive producer Dean Devlin, who is also one of the creative forces behind Leverage, Geostorm, and other things that are bad.
THIS IS ME, RUINING YOUR WEEKEND—I’m just going to give you the headline here, and you can decide whether to click on it or not: “Binge watching television linked to increase in bowel cancer, study finds.”
Enjoy catching up on Riverdale, everybody!
