WHAT? What the eff did you say to me, you bossy, bossy baby? I should “worry about myself?” MAYBE YOU SHOULD WORRY ABOUT YOURSELF! Maybe you should remember exactly who bought you that goddamn car seat and who bought the goddamn car that drives you to your goddamn playdates, and think for two goddamn seconds about what would happen if you didn’t have those things!!! What? Maybe you’d WORRY ABOUT YOURSELF then? Huh? What about that, you bossy, bossy baby? And… goddammit!! STOP TELLING ME TO “DRIVE”!!

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)