Hey! STUPID BABY! Yeah, you! What are you doing with that dummy, DUMMY? You actually think you’re smart enough to perform CPR? HAAA! Right! You’re too freaking STUPID to… ugggnnh. UGGGGGNNNNHH. Ow, ow, ow, my chest really hurts! And my arm! My arm is totally numb!! OH, GOD… NO. No, this can’t be happening to me! HEY! STUPID STUPID BABY! Come over here and perform some of that CPR on me!! No… not the dummy, you stupid idiot! ME! ME!! Oh sweet god, you’re more stupid than I ever imagined! COME HERE, YOU STUPID BABY! COME HE…. unnnggggh.

Oh, great. Now I’m in hell… thanks to you, STUPID BABY!!

https://youtube.com/watch?v=ULZOhUUJ994

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)