Here we have Carly Rae Jepsen—she of the 2012 summer jam “Call Me Maybe”—absolutely butchering the ceremonial first pitch before the Houston Astros/Tampa Bay Rays game.

Here we have Shia LaBeouf eye-boning a motorcycle driver at a stop light. STOP EYE-BONING ME, SHIA LABEOUF!!

Here we have incontrovertible evidence that Justin Bieber is/was/always will be bigger than Kurt Cobain.

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GOOD DAY, KIDS OF TODAY.

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)

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