First things first: We here at One Day would like to make a public apology for last week's column in which we erroneously stated that Winona Ryder starred in The Scarlet Letter. In actuality, that was Demi Moore, and to insult our favorite shoplifter by putting her anywhere near the vicinity of that hag from St. Elmo's Fire is practically unforgivable. Poor Winona has been through enough, and we certainly never meant to pour any salt into the wound she incurred while snipping off security sensors at Saks. Duly chastened, we now move on to a feature we like to call "Your Favorite Celebrities--DRUNK!" One of our favorite tubby Dawson's Creek stars, Joshua Jackson (who plays Pacey) got stinko on the drinko this week and landed in the pokey. The celeb was attending a Carolina Hurricanes hockey game in Raleigh, North Carolina, tipped up his cup a few times too many, and for reasons unknown, attacked ice rink security guard Drew Grissom. Perhaps Mr. Grissom noted that Joshua was tubby and played a character with a feminine name. We do not know. Regardless, Joshua was arrested and sat on his voluminous tub in the county jail until he posted a $1000 bond. For those who care, Joshua will continue to play the rotund, feminine Pacey throughout the sixth season of Dawson's Creek. Meanwhile It's official. Russell Crowe is the worst fighter in the world. The star of Gladiator has ONCE AGAIN been caught duking it out in a common barroom brawl. This time it was with wealthy New Zealand businessman Eric Watson, who apparently stole Crowe's girl a year back. The two gave each other the stink eye for awhile, until they retired to the bathroom to wrestle around on the floor for a bit. As in Crowe's last four fights, he got the worst of it, suffering a scratched eye and bruises to the face. Don't be surprised to see Crowe on the next edition of FOX's Celebrity Boxing, getting a good pounding from Screech of Saved by the Bell.
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 12
If it's Tuesday, then that means Arabic al-Jazeera television network must be broadcasting another tape of Osama bin Laden shit-talking the United States. In the tape, the person believed to be bin Laden claimed responsibility for the bombings in Bali, the deaths of a U.S. Marine and senior administrator of the International Development Agency, the Chechen rebel attack on a Moscow theater last month, and the continued delay of bringing a Krispy Kreme to Portland. You can hear the next laugh-filled episode of Oh, Osama! next Tuesday on the al-Jazeera network, immediately following a repeat of Seinfeld.
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 13
And speaking of shit-talking, Iraq accepted the tough new U.N. resolution which will force the country to disarm and allow weapons inspectors to poke around on palace grounds--but they don't like it one little bit! Iraqi Foreign Minister Naji Sabri submitted a nine-page letter accepting the terms, which included a denial that Iraq has any weapons of mass destruction, and everybody who agrees with America are big, dumb jerks. The document noted that "the lies and manipulations of the American administration and the British government will be exposed, while the world will see how truthful and adequate the Iraqis are in what they say and do." (This is starting to sound a lot like the breakup letter Jimmy Henderson sent us back in our sophomore year of college.) The letter continues: "[Iraq will] drive away the cawing of the crows of evil that daily raid its land." This last section refers to the newest Department of Defense strategy, which is to send Saddam Hussein a mixed tape of really annoying music that includes among others, the Counting Crows. (Which is the same thing Jimmy Henderson did to us!)
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 14
Though it's certainly no Winonagate, self-proclaimed "King of Pop" Michael Jackson has been in court this week, defending himself against charges he ducked out on four concert dates that cost the show's promoter millions. Yes, this is extremely uninteresting. However, gasps were heard around the globe when Jackson took the stand to testify, removed his surgical mask, and exposed what we believe used to be his face for the court. It is almost impossible to describe, though it did slightly resemble the decomposing pumpkin that has been sitting on the Mercury's porch for the last seven weeks. And speaking of "someone that children should never play with," actor Jeffrey Jones was busted today on child pornography charges. You will, of course, remember Jones for his portrayal of principal Ed Rooney in the 1986 classic Ferris Bueller's Day Off, in which he stared straight at the camera and screamed, "Buuuuuuue-LLER!!" And though he might've hated teens in the movie, according to the LAPD, he actually loves them--we mean really loves them. LAPD spokesman Don Cox said that back in November, an unidentified teenager claimed that Jones used him for "alleged criminal acts of a sexual nature." After an extensive investigation, a warrant was issued for his arrest, and Jones surrendered to police today. He has been charged with "using a minor for prohibitive acts" and possession of child pornography. According to the Los Angeles Times, the pornography in question is a dirty home video starring the unidentified teen. Jones' attorney, Jeff Brody, told the paper, "This is all about photos. There's not allegations of any touching or any improper acts with a minor. This will be resolved very quickly so he can get on with his life and get back to work." You can see Jones' upcoming work in a film of his own making entitled Ferris Bueller Jerks Off.
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 15
The New York Times reported today that Miss Cleo's psychic hotline has agreed to forgive $500 million in customer bills to settle a federal lawsuit accusing them of fleecing callers by using phone operators who WEREN'T REALLY PSYCHIC. (That's one bill we're glad we didn't ever pay.)
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 16
According to The Associated Press, an Elvis Presley hairball sold at auction today for $115,120. The bidder was anonymous. The only surprising aspect of the exchange is that it did not occur on eBay, but rather on the lesser known and more poorly named internet auction house, MastroNet Inc. Bidding started at $10,000. Thirty-two bids were placed (14 of them by Wm. Steven Humphrey). A catalog from the auction explained that a hair sample from a favorite celebrity gives a fan "an association much more personal than that of a simple autograph." It also allows for voodoo ceremonies, DNA paternity tests, and cloning. The Elvis hairball was collected by his former hairstylist, Homer "Mr. Gill" Gilleland. He kept the hair in a plastic bag and finally gave the bag-o-hair to a friend who, after saying, "Ewwww," immediately sold it.
SUNDAY, NOVEBER 17
The New York Times reported today that the first thorough examination of President John F. Kennedy's medical records has found that JFK was higher than Robert Downey, Jr. the whole time he was in office. In a rigorous "treatment regimen" for his bad back, persistent digestive problems and Addison's disease, Kennedy took as many as eight medications a day, including painkillers, anti-anxiety agents, stimulants, sleeping pills, and hormones. For the benefit of our future biographers, we have decided to release some private medical data of our own. In 1997, during a routine dental examination, we were diagnosed with halitosis. Mouthwash and flossing were prescribed. As well as Nembutal and Prozac. This treatment regimen has proven very effective, and we are currently symptom-free. In 2001, during another routine examination, we were diagnosed with inflamed hemorrhoids. Preparation H was prescribed. As well as Vaseline and Valium. We are please to announce that we are in COMPLETE REMISSION. We will report all future medical conditions faithfully, and in full detail, in this column from this point forward.
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Email ann@portlandmercury.com
