"They caught the five of clubs! They caught the five of clubs!" This was the screeching refrain heard today from the soft, but overactive lips of our hubby Kip after learning that U.S. forces had captured Saddam Hussein's half-brother, Barzan Ibrahim Hasan al-Tikriti. After lethargically removing the cucumber slices from our delicate eyes we groaned, "And why are you calling Barzan 'the five of clubs,' dear?" "Because," Kip yelped in glee, "that's Barzan's card in the Operation Iraqi Freedom 'Deck of Death' playing card set!" And while we would love to thank each of the 47 readers who wrote in last week offering assistance after enduring Kip's tearful plea to help him find this so-called "Deck of Death"--we can't. After finally purchasing a set from some fly-by-night internet company, Kip has been literally obsessed by these stupid playing cards, trying to engage us in such ludicrous games as Strip Burqa Poker, instead of attending to our trying-to-get-pregnant needs. That's right--we're trying to get pregnant. At this point, we feel it's the only thing that will turn that lovable boob's attention away from his precious "Deck of Death" and back to yours truly. Hey, it worked for Reese Witherspoon! According to the National Enquirer, the adorable Witherspoon was so distraught over the two-timing antics of her idiotic hubby Ryan Phillippe, she took him on a "second honeymoon" to the Caribbean to get the rocky marriage back on track. (As all of us gals know, "second honeymoon" is secret code for "hide the spermicidal jelly and warm up the bun oven!") And guess what? It worked! Reese is now successfully preggers, and Ryan is back doing his husbandly duties which, should certain people need to be reminded, is rubbing our feet and preparing cooling cucumber slices to balance upon our exhausted lids. Otherwise, he may wind up being the "five of clubs" in our "Deck of Deceased Hubbies!" We mean umm Reese's umm deck.
TUESDAY, APRIL 15
It's "Tax Day" and what could be more taxing than a fist-fight with a chemo patient? Sharon Osbourne--the foul-mouthed matriarch of the Ozzy Osbourne clan--allegedly got in a knock-down drag-out with publicist Renee Tab at trendy Hollywood eatery Koi last Thursday. Several sources speculate the two have been steaming mad at each other ever since Renee won a $15,000 diamond necklace at one of Sharon's parties. Sharon--who is recovering nicely from colon cancer, thankyouverymuch--claims Renee was never invited to the shindig and therefore should return the necklace. Renee claims she was a guest of an invited friend of Sharon's son Jack Osbourne, and has decided there's no way she's giving back the goddamn necklace. Events came to a head Thursday evening at Koi, when Renee's camp claims that Sharon approached the table, and began screaming and spitting on her. While the 50-year-old Sharon didn't leave with the five-karat necklace, she was taken to the hospital after the 24-year-old Renee presented her with a five-knuckled sock in the jaw. Today Sharon has filed battery charges (for the sock) and Renee has filed battery charges (for the spit). And the rest of us can breathe a big sigh of relief, because when Hollywood types return to infantile behavior like this, it means the war is finally over. Ahhh Feels good, doesn't it?
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 16
Did you know Irish hunk Colin Farrell bought a house for the woman he impregnated? And he's not even married to her. That says a lot about a man we think. It shows devotion. It shows responsibility. It shows that if he had been neglectful of the woman in the past--say, by spending far too much time fawning over his precious "Deck of Death" cards--he was now ready to own up to his responsibilities by purchasing her a Hollywood mansion. That's a good man. That's a responsible man. We think certain men could learn a lot from Colin Farrell except when it comes to his stubborn refusal to trim that horrific monobrow. However, while Colin Farrell may not be perfect, giving his neglected pregnant girlfriend a sweeping Hollywood mansion is definitely a step in the right direction. Moral: Men can learn a thing or two from Colin Farrell.
THURSDAY, APRIL 17
You know who's not pregnant? Christina Aguilera. And though everyone we know has certainly noticed a definite overlapping of skin and belt loops, we would never, ever, EVER accuse her of being obese. We leave that to the New York Post. After she was seen nearly bursting out of her tight pink dress during fashion week in L.A., the paper reported today that tongues have started wagging about a potential Christina bambina. However, her publicist was quick to squash the rumor of any possible pregnancy. "Oh God, no!" she squealed. "She has just gained weight! The poor thing!" So after getting rid of those awful piercings, buying some less slutty clothes, and dropping a few pounds, here's another thing Christina can add to her list of things to do: Fire that big-mouth publicist.
FRIDAY, APRIL 18
The Associated Press reported today that the Pope has had enough of your sinful shenanigans. Reacting to a world gone mad, the Pope issued a stern missive to his flock that addressed a weighty issue on the top of all our minds: PEOPLE WHO REMARRY CANNOT RECEIVE COMMUNION. War. Pedophilia. Assassination. These, John Paul can tolerate, but he is PISSED at how JUST ANYONE thinks they can eat the body of Christ these days. Eating the body of Christ is serious business, people! Divorcees are sinners and not fit for grace. Reportedly also under consideration for communion ban are community college students, people with facial hair, and southpaws.
SATURDAY, APRIL 19
In other Catholic news, the Baltimore Sun reports that Mary Magdalene wasn't a prostitute after all. She just had a bad reputation. After some scholarly research, it turns out that the Bible's most famous ho is mentioned seven times in the four Gospels and in none of them is there any indication that she ever gave anyone a hand job for shekels. So who spread the word that Mary was easy? The two-faced quarterback of his day: Pope Gregory the Great. He gave a couple of sermons in the locker room about how "sinful" Mary was and pretty soon the whole school was talking. We know how that goes. One school-bus blowjob and suddenly you're a fallen woman.
SUNDAY, APRIL 20
And what could be more Catholic than syphilis? According to The New York Times, syphilis experts are steadying themselves for a major outbreak of the STD in Palm Springs coinciding with a weekend gay hootenanny expected to draw 30,000 hard bodies in search of a little Sodom and Gomorrah. Hotels and bars are being asked to hand out thousands of condoms and volunteers have been passing out wallet-size cards containing warnings about the increase of syphilis. Syphilis has been on the rise as more and more charismatic leaders like Napoleon and Hitler are said to have suffered from the condition giving the disease an aura of STD-chic. Next year it will be all about chlamydia.
