MONDAY, JANUARY 5 You know, gossip columnists are often accused of
only reporting on the behavior of celebrities, rather than trying to
find out who these celebs really are. You know—on the
inside. Unfortunately we’ve tried going that route, and on
nearly every occasion have been WILDLY disappointed. But hey… let’s
give Lindsay Lohan another shot. In a chitty-chat with actress
Lauren Hutton in Interview magazine, LiLo explains her
“image problem”—which as it turns out is actually YOUR
problem… not hers. “I just feel as though it’s become a situation
where people have manufactured this caricature of who I am, and
they act as if there’s no real person inside of it,” LiLo’s hollow,
soulless body exclaimed. “What hurts me most is that I work just as
hard as any other actress around my age, like Scarlett
Johansson, but I just don’t get the opportunities that they get
because people are so distracted by the mess I created in my
life.” Wait… what? We’re sorry, Lindsay. We got distracted by the
memory of that time last year when you wrote “Scarlett Johansson is
a cunt” on a bathroom wall. You were saying?
MEANWHILE… Socialite/former porn star Paris Hilton is now claiming to Glamour magazine that she’s only slept
with “a couple of people.” A couple? As in TWO? Let’s do the math
on that: She was previously engaged to fashion model Jason Shaw,
before breaking it off to be with Backstreet Boy Nick Carter,
after which she dated creepy shipping heir Stavros Niarchos, and
then skanky Good Charlotte guitarist Benji Madden. And… who
are we forgetting? OH RIGHT. There was Rick Salomon, with whom
she made the homemade sex video that was later widely distributed as
1 Night in Paris. So as you can clearly see, Paris was
wrong. She’s only had sex with one person.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 6 According to WENN news, a woman is suing the LAPD
after allegedly being tricked into becoming a decoy for Jamie Lynn
Spears. Last September, normal person Adessa Eskeridge was
on the same flight with Spears, who was all over the tabs after giving
birth to her daughter Maddie. In an attempt to fool the paparazzi, the
police approached Eskeridge as she disembarked, and said, “You’re going
to help us with something.” They then escorted Eskeridge to baggage
claim, using her as a decoy for Spears at which point she was
“mobbed by the paparazzi” and “feared for her well being.” Later
she was further blessed by having her video posted all over the
internet, so now Eskeridge is suing the police department for $2
million. Jamie Lynn has also offered to throw in her child as an
added bonus to the settlement. (She’s planning on going to the mall
with friends this weekend.)

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 7 Remember when Senate Democrats swore on
a stack of Bibles they would never, EVER—not in a hundred billion
years—seat Roland Burris, shamed Governor Ron
Blagojevich’s pick for Obama’s Senate seat? Well, welcome to the
year one hundred billion and one, because now Senate Democrats are
suddenly deeply, madly, wildly in love with Burris, and simply can’t
wait to get him seated. What happened? According to an anonymous
senior congressional aide, the Obama team strongly advised the
Dems to accept Burris into the fold. Their logic? “A bird in the hand
(Senator Burris, who will happily vote for anything Obama puts on the
table) is worth two in the bush (possibly getting stuck with a turncoat
Democrat—think Joe Lieberman—or worse, a nutbag
Republican).” Pretty sneaky, Obama! As John McCain might say,
“Keep your eye on that one.”

THURSDAY, JANUARY 8 In this month’s issue of W magazine, the
newly mustachioed Brad Pitt speaks out on his “dastardly” affair
with plump-lipped harpy Angelina Jolie that irreversibly broke
the heart of former wifey, horse-faced Jennifer Aniston. Brad?
“What most people don’t understand is that we filmed [Mr. & Mrs.
Smith—the movie where he was boinking Jolie] for a year. We
were still filming after Jen and I split up. Even then it doesn’t mean
there was some kind of dastardly affair. There wasn’t. I’m very
proud of the way it was handled.” WOW. And we thought George Bush
was full of shit. MEANWHILE… Horribly named celebrity
children, such as Bronx Mowgli Wentz and Pilot Inspektor
Lee, breathed a sigh of relief today when former Cosby Show actress Lisa Bonet announced the name of her new baby: Nakoa-Wolf
Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa. Translation: “Little wolf who gets head
shoved into toilet in seventh grade and later files for
emancipation.”

FRIDAY, JANUARY 9 One of these weeks, we promise we’ll write an
installment of One Day at a Time that doesn’t feature Tom
Cruise, his child bride Katie, or his clonespawn
Suri—but not this week! That’s because today, Tom appeared
with the shrieking harpies of The View. Talking about how he’s
seen Katie perform in her play All My Sons over 30 times (nope, nothing creepy about that!), Tom also described how Suri tries
to climb onstage with her mother—alluding to the possibility of
Suri acting when she gets older. “Huzzah! All is going according to
plan!” Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII bellowed when reached for
comment. “Soon, Empress Suri shall take the lead role in A Raisin in
the Sun, and shortly thereafter, we Scientologists shall have
dominion over… over… oh, look, Ann. We both know the drill. Tom
does something wacky, you call me, I rattle off a bunch of doom ‘n’
gloom, you call Scientology a ‘cult,’ everyone has a laugh. But
have you ever thought about how Tom feels? Just take it easy on him,
eh? And don’t snicker when I tell you Suri’s going to be in A Raisin
in the Sun. For through my Yaltarninan chronoscope, I have
seen the off-off-Broadway production, and she is a revelation! Indeed,
the dark and terrible day nears in which….” This continued for 27
minutes, after which we immediately deleted Klaktu’s number from our
“Favorites” list on our iPhone.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 10 In a recent interview with Barbara
Walters, Patrick Swayze addressed the persistent rumors he’s
going to die any second. “Yeah, I’m scared. Yeah, I’m angry.
Yeah, I’m [asking], ‘Why me?'” All the same, the ’80s heartthrob
refuses to stop smoking, even though he admits it “probably” had
something to do with giving him pancreatic cancer—and even
though yesterday, Swayze checked into the hospital after getting
pneumonia. While other Swayze fans might be worried, we’re
confident in saying that Swayze is, as far as we can tell,
immortal, like Dick Clark, or the mummy in those lousy
Brendan Fraser movies. MEANWHILE… We’re more concerned
about “recession pounds,” a trend that suggests that during hard
times, people stop eating healthy food and instead gorge on
sugar and saturated fats. In other words, everyone’s losing their
jobs, houses are being foreclosed on, we won’t be able to fit into our
brand-new Jil Sander dress, and once again, Alan Greenspan has
ruined everything.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 11 Remember Samuel J. Wurzelbacher? Of course
not! But maybe you remember him by his (even stupider) other name:
Joe the Plumber. That’s right: The one election-era fad you
thought you’d never have to endure again is back—now he’s a “news
reporter” (Ho! Ho! Ho!) for a conservative website, and reporting on
Israel’s offensive in Gaza, and we swear to god, we aren’t
making any of this up. “Why hasn’t Israel acted sooner?” Joe keenly
asked in one report. “I know if I were a citizen here, I’d be damned
upset.” He also included some op/ed commentary: “When someone hits me,
I’m going to unload on the boy. And if the rest of the world doesn’t
understand that, then I’m sorry.” Nice to see that even with George
W. Bush on his way out, Red State Americans are still doing their
best to make us all look good.