MONDAY, JANUARY 19 By the way it started, one would think
it was to be the greatest week of our lives. HEADLINE ONE:
“George Clooney Headed Back to E.R.“ All
together now… EEEEEE! Though we would happily knock over a lady in a
wheelchair to be first in line at any gorgeous George Clooney film, his
roles of late have been a tad on the… ohhh… unattractive
side. But to see him returning to E.R. and wearing that sexy
blood-soaked smock, Julius Caesar hairdo, and bemused, yet world-weary
smirk? We would push that same old lady off the deck of a cruise ship.
HEADLINE TWO: “Clinically Depressed Poodle Mauls Former French
President Chirac”—and NO, this is NOT a headline from The
Onion! According to Fox News, “The couple’s white Maltese poodle,
called Sumo, has a history of frenzied fits and became
increasingly prone to making ‘vicious, unprovoked attacks’ despite receiving treatment with anti-depressants.” “See?!
There’s the problem right there,” said a wildly enthusiastic Tom
Cruise. “Antidepressants just mask the problem. You don’t know the
history of psychiatry—I do. Jesus Christ, Ann… you’re glib. Let
me give you some literature.” AND HEADLINE THREE: “Portland Mayor
Admits Sexual Relationship with 18-Year-Old.” Ohhhhhh… crap. Hey
Sumo—got any of those antidepressants left?

TUESDAY, JANUARY 20 While everyone else in the country was
ecstatically happy over the inauguration of our first black
president, Barack Obama—Portland was mourning the
public implosion of our first gay mayor, Sam Adams. At today’s
packed press conference, Adams publicly apologized for lying
about a sexual relationship he had with former legislative intern
Beau Breedlove when the young man was 18. Adams said, “I am very
ashamed, humbled, and humiliated, and I think that’s absolutely
appropriate.” When asked why he repeatedly denied the charge when it
was brought up way back in 2007, Adams responded, “I lied at the time
because I was concerned that untrue rumors by an undeclared
campaign opponent said I had broken the law involving sexual relations
with a minor were being circulated.” He lied because he was afraid
someone was lying about him? So much for the truth setting one free.
MEANWHILE… While Portlanders were being unceremoniously
thrown into a bottomless pit of depression, newly sworn in PRESIDENT
Barack Obama (it still feels so good to say that!) had some wise words
for Americans—which we especially in Portland should take to
heart: “Today I say to you that the challenges we face are real.
They are serious, and they are many. They will not be met easily or in
a short span of time. But know this, America: They will be met.” Later
that night at the inaugural ball, Beyoncé sang a
beautiful rendition of Etta James’ “At Last” as Barack and
Michelle enjoyed their first dance as president and first lady.
It was a good reminder that despite the setbacks and embarrassments of
the day, there is hope ahead, Portland. Hold your heads up.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 21 Today was “Hysterical Local Media Day” as the
Oregonian, Portland Tribune, and
local gay newspaper Just Out all produced righteously
indignant editorials calling for Mayor Sam Adams to
resign. “Nobody—not even the mayor—knows if his sense of
right and wrong will fail him again, but he is asking us to give him
another chance,” scolded a furious (and probably secretly tickled pink)
Oregonian. “The bond of trust and confidence has been broken,”
bemoaned a horrified Just Out, whose feelings had not only been
hurt, but shattered beyond earthly recognition. And the Tribune wailed (while simultaneously getting aroused) about Adams “displaying
woefully poor judgment in choosing to have an affair with a very
young man.” (We wonder how many of the Trib‘s largely male
editorial board have had affairs with older women? Actually, we
don’t want to think about that. Ick.) MEANWHILE… The most
hilarious headline of the day came from the Seattle Times, which
printed, “Local Officials Ask Oregon Attorney General to Probe
Portland Mayor Sam Adams.” But would that really be a
punishment?

THURSDAY, JANUARY 22 We suppose if the intent of newspaper
editorials is to make their readers think the exact opposite, then
the Oregonian, the Tribune, and Just Out were
wildly successful. Today the Support Sam Adams Facebook page grew to over 500 members (and by our press time reached a whopping
3,200). And in an online petition entitled “An Open Letter to the
Media,” the authors sent a very pointed message to our local
editorial boards. “We marvel at your apparent belief that your moral
compass is needed to guide our relationship with our mayor,” the
petition stated. “We are not (by and large) children, and we possess
our own powers of judgment and discernment.” The message seems pretty
clear: When Portland wants the Oregonian‘s opinion, they’ll
knock the diamond-embossed cigar out of its mouth.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 23 Over 500 people showed up at Portland City Hall
today to show their support for breedlovin’ Mayor Sam Adams.
Local celebs showed up too: Portland’s favorite former reality TV star,
Storm Large, sang “Stand by Your Sam” to the tune of “Stand by
Your Man,” while writer Marc Acito claimed that “When Sam Adams
went down to Salem for Beau Breedlove’s 18th birthday party, he ended
up in Salem, Massachusetts, circa 1692!” Acito’s revelation inspired
shocked gasps of disbelief amongst the formerly supportive crowd,
followed by cries of “Burn the time-traveling witch! BURN
HIM, BURN HIM, BURN HIM!” MEANWHILE… We’d be remiss in our
gossip-whore duties if we didn’t perform at least a cursory check-in on
Hollyweird. First, that wacky jokester Shia LaBeouf tried to
evade the paparazzi by venturing onto the streets of Glendale,
California—with a paper bag over his head! Um… hmm. Okay. So
that’s underwhelming. Oh! Let’s see what Kanye West has been
writing on his blog! “YOOOO WHY WON’T YOU LET ME BE GREAT!!! I HAD THE
TWO GREATEST DAYS OF MY LIFE [Performing at President Obama’s
inauguration, we assume.—Ann] AND WHEN I GET BACK FROM THE
LOUIE [as in “Vuitton,” we assume] SHOW I READ SOME SHIT
CLAIMING I SAID I’M DOWN TO DO PORN AND SOME BISEXUAL
PORN!!!!… NOW SOMEBODY HAS HACKED INTO MY MYSPACE AND SOMEBODY’S
ACTUALLY HACKED INTO MY PERSONAL GMAIL ACCOUNT… PLEASE I BEG YOU,
GIVE ME A BREAK!!!!! PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LET ME BE
GREAT!!!!… LOOK HOW FRESH MY SUIT IS… NUFF SAID!” Oh, god. We
never thought we’d say it, but Kanye, you just made us want to hear
more about Sam Adams.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 24 Tonight 24-year-old Erik Salvadore Ayala approached the busy intersection of SW 2nd and Pine in Portland, and,
standing outside of The Zone nightclub, randomly opened fire,
killing two and wounding seven before shooting himself in the
head. “I think it is safe to say that this hasn’t been a good week for
Portland,” Police Chief Rosie Sizer told reporters.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 25 Today Beau Breedlove gave an interview to
the Oregonian, telling the O that Sam Adams had, in fact,
kissed him before he turned 18—including once in the city
hall men’s restroom, where the two tongue-wrestled for “about a
minute.” (Ah, romance!) Breedlove also revealed the two had a lunch
date at Macaroni Grill. (Seriously, Sam? Public bathrooms and
Macaroni Grill? Have you been taking dating tips from Hubby
Kip?) MEANWHILE… In a pretty good example of “Whoops,
didn’t see that Oregonian interview coming!,” today Adams
announced that he won’t be resigning. “I know I have let you
down and made mistakes. I ask your forgiveness,” Adams said in a
statement. “Beginning tomorrow morning, I will be back in my office….
And my pledge to you is this: I will work harder than I ever have in my
life to meet the challenges facing our great city.” Well…
okay, Sam. We guess. But only because we don’t want
Sho Dozono to embarrass himself again in a recall election. (And
Sam, if you really want us to forgive you, you’ll take us all
out to a fancy-schmancy dinner at Macaroni Grill.)