One Day at a Time

Darlings! Once again we dip our perfectly manicured nails into the sludge bucket of gossip and innuendo that dominated the tabloids in 2013, in order to discover who, indeed, was the Absolute Worst Person in the World for 2013 Ever! And here are the TOP NINE MOST TERRIBLE NOMINEES IN ASCENDING ORDER OF HORRIBLENESS:

#9: DR. PHIL

Unnngggghhhh. We hate even saying his name. And while this pear-shaped quack is detestable on average, he really outdid himself this year. For example…

TUESDAY, AUGUST 20 The decidedly fat-headed Dr. Phil topped himself today in the category of loathsomeness when he twattered the following: “If a girl is drunk, is it OK to have sex with her? Reply yes or no to @DrPhil.” WOW. Besides the thousands of people reminding Dr. Phil that “rape is rape” no matter what the woman’s physical condition may be, respondents also had other choice words, such as “If a TV shrink makes my daughter feel guilty b/c she was date raped while drunk, can I punch him in the dick?” Or this one, who asked Dr. Phil, “Are you ‘asking for a friend’?” And this person who responded, “As a girl, I enjoy waking up and not knowing who penetrated me the night before.” Dr. Phil quickly deleted the offending twatter—but unfortunately neglected to delete himself.

#8: AMANDA BYNES’ TWATTER ACCOUNT

Ahhhh… Amanda Bynes uses the word “ugly” like a concert pianist uses eighth notes. And while we’re happy she’s on her way back to mental health, we mourn the days when she would use her Twatter account to insult… well… everybody.

TUESDAY, JULY 9 Guess who Amanda Bynes gravely insulted on Twatter late last night? “Barack Obama and Michelle Obama are ugly!” twattered Amanda—who we have to admit, has really outdone herself this time. In the past, she’s peppered numerous celebs with the now famous “You’re ugly!” insult, including Miley Cyrus (who kind of is), Jenny McCarthy (who definitely is), Courtney Love (who totally is), RuPaul (who definitely is NOT), Rihanna (who definitely is NOT), Drake (who definitely is NOT), and her own father (we’ve never seen her father, but let’s assume he’s terribly ugly). No response yet from the White House, so we can only assume the president and the first lady are currently holding each other and sobbing, “Is plastic surgery covered under Obamacare?”

#7: JENNY McCARTHY

While we truly loathe Gwyneth Paltrow and Anne Hathaway, this year professional idiot Jenny McCarthy rose to the top like clotted cream, shilling for electronic cigarettes… while pooh-poohing fluoride?!? WHAT?

SATURDAY, APRIL 27 Portland’s pro-fluoride camp gained their biggest (unintentional) ally yet when dum-dum dummy Jenny McCarthy decided to hop onto Twitter, begging her fans to “Help keep Portland’s water fluoride-free!” Conspiracy theorist McCarthy, as you might remember, insists vaccines cause autism (despite mountains of objective scientific evidence to the contrary), in addition to believing that she is both talented and intelligent (despite mountains of objective scientific evidence to the contrary). So… we’ll all vote for fluoride, then? Good! Moving on!

#6: AMANDA BYNES’ BONG

We know, we know… we’ve already mentioned Amanda once in this list… but this particular episode? PRICELESS!

FRIDAY, MAY 24 Shockingly, Amanda Bynes has been arrested! Police arrived at Bynes’ Midtown apartment after being informed by the building’s doorman she was smoking marijuana in the lobby. (Mind your own beeswax, doorman!) Police immediately noticed a bong sitting on Amanda’s kitchen counter, and according to the cop’s report, things went a bit sideways: “I observed [Amanda] grab said bong, run to the westbound-facing window, and throw it out the window where numerous pedestrians were walking on the sidewalks below.” Naturally, she was arrested for reckless endangerment, possession of marijuana, and tampering with evidence. After a night in the pokey, she briefly appeared in court today, informing the judge that the bong she threw out the window was actually just “a vase.” Your honor, no further questions! You may now declare this case DISMISSED.

#5: ROBIN THICKE

In a world of greasy douchebags, you’d be hard pressed to find anyone greasier or douchier than undeserving pop star Robin Thicke. Besides recording the awful, semi-rapey song “Blurred Lines,” he also pulled the dick move of the year by slut-shaming the twerking, tongue-lolling Miley Cyrus. Behold…

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 11 Extremely grotesque pop star Robin Thicke has spoken out regarding his twerky performance at the VMAs with Miley Cyrus. When asked if he thought the performance was overtly sexual, Thicke played dumber-than-usual, replying, “I was onstage, I didn’t see it. I’m looking up at the sky singing, and I’m not really paying attention to all that. That’s on her. People ask me, ‘Do you twerk?’ I go, ‘Listen, I’m the twerkee. I’m just twerked upon.” Despite Thicke’s incredibly lame attempt to throw Miley under the bus, as it turns out? There were witnesses to the rehearsal process. In a Reddit “Ask Me Anything” session, an actress playing one of the bears in the twerking skit refutes Thicke’s assertion. “Most of it was pretty planned,” said the actress bear. “[Miley and Robin] both knew in rehearsals exactly what they were going to be doing.” UGGHH. We wish he (and Miley’s tongue) would go back where they came from!

#4: CHRIS BROWN

Last year’s “Absolute Worst Person in the World” drops three slots to #4—and while he may have calmed down a weeeee bit… rest assured the hits just keep on coming!

MONDAY, JANUARY 28 America’s sweetheart, Chris Brown, is back and—say it isn’t so! He and his posse allegedly jumped and attacked R&B singer/proud bisexual Frank Ocean? According to multiple sources, Brown and Ocean mixed it up in a parking spot dispute outside a Los Angeles recording studio. Apparently Ocean had taken Brown’s parking place—the one usually reserved for the studio’s biggest artist, which Chris naturally assumed was himself. Then, according to witnesses speaking to TMZ, the historically violent Brown threw the first punch, setting off a huge melee between their posses, which eventually moved into the recording studio lobby, smashing everything in sight. As usual, Brown fled before police could arrive, and denies the witnesses’ testimony—because he is nothing if not a reliable liar. However, in Brown’s defense, he is getting better at sharing his feelings, because today on his Instagram he posted his latest painting: a picture of Jesus Christ crucified on the cross with the caption, “Painting the way I feel today.” Because you know… Jesus also hated it when people stole his parking spot—especially those queer bisexuals.

#3: ALEC BALDWIN

The once-beloved actor has always been a hothead (remember when he called his 11-year-old daughter a “thoughtless pig”?), but this year he really outdid himself, slinging homophobic and racist slurs left and right. Remember when he did this?

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 17 Well! As TMZ puts it, today actor Alec Baldwin “allegedly threatened to choke a reporter to death and hurled a racial slur at a photographer.” After being approached by employees of the New York Post, Baldwin reportedly snapped at the reporter, “I want to choke you to death” while inviting him to “suck my dick.” “He was saying some serious racist stuff,” added the photographer, adding that when he showed Baldwin his ID, Baldwin told him it was “fake” before calling him a “crackhead” who “just got out of jail.” Alec. This… this is the behavior of a lesser Baldwin.

#2: GEORGE ZIMMERMAN AND GUN NUTS

After last year’s tragic shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School, a few states tightened their gun laws. Unfortunately, lobbyists/gun nuts threw all their energy and money into loosening restrictions, now making it even easier in some states for crazy people to murder innocent people. And with that, let’s remember 2013’s gun nut poster-boy, acquitted murderer George Zimmerman…

SATURDAY, JULY 13 Today George Zimmerman was found not guilty of second-degree murder and manslaughter following his shooting of 17-year-old Trayvon Martin. The 29-year-old neighborhood-watch volunteer spotted Martin walking through his neighborhood in Sanford, Florida. “Fucking punks. These assholes. They always get away,” Zimmerman told a police dispatcher, alerting them of the presence of an unarmed—but black!—teenager. Ignoring the dispatcher’s advice, Zimmerman chased Martin down—and when a fight broke out, shot him in the heart. MEANWHILE… In response, Gary Younge wondered in the Guardian, “what calm there can possibly be in a place where such a verdict is possible. Parents of black boys are not likely to feel calm. Children with black fathers are not likely to feel calm. Those who now fear violent social disorder must ask themselves whose interests are served by a violent social order in which young black men can be thus slain and discarded.”

#1: ??????

And the #1 most terrible, completely AWFUL person of 2013? Surprise, it’s not Kim Kardashian! Check out the winner (?) in next week’s edition of One Day at a Time! Mwwwahh!