MONDAY, FEBRUARY 9 America? When it comes to hatred, you are one
fickle bitch. While it was only a few weeks ago that your eye-daggers
were flying at then-Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, this
week’s public enemy number one is octuplets’ mom Nadya Suleman (sorry, Osama bin Laden)! Already the single mother of six
children, Suleman has been defending her choice to have eight
more—even though she receives food stamps and child disability
payments for three of her kids. And while Americans ordinarily turn ass
over teakettle for the “blessings” of multiple births, Suleman is now
apparently receiving death threats for her choice to go through
with the implantation. Luckily she has pear-shaped pop psychologist
Dr. Phil to stick up for her. “There are 14 children here,” said
the master of the obvious. “We always say we don’t want to throw out
the baby with the bath water. Well, we don’t want to throw out the
babies with the mother here.” It should be noted that Dr. Phil is
an idiot. But the story gets even better! Though she flatly denies it,
Suleman has obviously undergone plastic surgery to look more
like her hero, multiple baby mama Angelina Jolie—and has
also been sending the star fawning letters of admiration. Angelina’s
reaction? Understandably, the Jolie camp says she is “creeped
out.” Well, that makes three million of us. (Hey, we agree with
Angelina about something!)

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 10 Speaking of creepy obsessive behavior,
please do not compare us to Nadya Suleman. Yes, we write George
Clooney a fan letter at least once a week, and so what if we
occasionally include a threat of violence against whoever it is he’s
currently dating? At least we’re not forcing Hubby Kip to get
plastic surgery to look more like him—so there’s that. However,
it has come to our attention that our Georgie has once again set his
gorgeous wandering eye on another undeserving hussy. According
to the Enquirer, her name is Fatima Bhutto, the
26-year-old poet, journalist, and niece of assassinated Pakistani Prime
Minister Benazir Bhutto. She’s also reported to be beautiful,
smart, and independent—which means we fucking hate her. According
to a snoopy source, even though George is still infuriatingly hopping
around Hollyweird with an assortment of eye-candy on his arm, he’s
fallen for the ravishing Pakistani and wants to turn this
long-distance relationship into something more serious. So that’s the
way it’s going to be, huh? Now we’re not “exotic” enough for him? Fine!
Get Octopussy’s plastic surgeon on the phone! In two weeks we’re going
to look just like a Pakistani Angelina Jolie!

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 11 And while octuplet-poppin’ mom Nadya
Suleman may currently hold the title of “most hated American,”
hiphop star Chris Brown is quickly gaining ground. After being
arrested this past weekend on charges of beating, choking, and
threatening the life of his pop star girlfriend Rihanna, Brown
has found himself in hot water with a number of celebs, including
Kanye West and especially rapper/Rihanna mentor Jay-Z.
“He hit the roof,” a friend of Jay-Z told Us Weekly. “Chris is a
walking dead man. He messed with the wrong crew.” Yeah! And that
goes double for you, Fatima Bhutto! When you get up in the
grills of our main man, George Clooney, you are messing with the
wrong crew, yo! Word up to your mother! (Ugh. We really need to work on
our urban threat lingo.)

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 12 Gossip Quick Hits! ITEM #1! According
to the UK Mirror, weird-looking actor Mickey Rourke is
having a secret affair with weird-looking former rocker Courtney
Love. Ohhh… why couldn’t they have kept it a secret? ITEM
#2! As reported last week in One Day, Olympian Michael
Phelps was photographed huffing on a bong—and this week the
owner of this very same bong is selling his historical keepsake on
eBay for the low, low price of only $100,000! That’s enough
money for Nadya Suleman to implant two more sets of octuplets! ITEM
#3! As also reported last week, pop tartlet Miley Cyrus was
photographed making a “goofy” slant-eyed “me-Chinese” face that
successfully offended the whole of the Asian community. After her first
non-apology apology didn’t quite stick, today she decided to give it
another shot. “I really wanted to stress how sorry I am if the photo of
me offended anyone,” she said with the obvious help of her publicist.
“I know everything is part of GOD’s ultimate plan and mistakes
happen so that eventually I will become the woman he aspires me to be.”
So you see, it was partially “GOD’s” fault, too, because of his stupid
ultimate plan to make fun of Asians. Way to go, GOD, you big racist!
Where’s your apology?

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 13 “Words cannot begin to express how sorry and
saddened I am over what transpired,” slimeball Chris Brown said
this weekend in a publicist-approved statement regarding how he
allegedly beat the crap out of his girlfriend. “I am seeking the
counseling of my pastor, my mother, and other loved ones and I am
committed, with God’s help, to emerging a better person.”
When reached for comment, God rolled his eyes. “First Miley
tries to say that it’s My fault she hates Asians, and now that
slimeball Chris is claiming I have his back? Are you kidding Me? I
mean, c’mon! Jay-Z is pissed at that dude! Like I’m gonna go anywhere
near him!”

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 14 Ah, Valentine’s—the day when Kip
inevitably gets a panicked look on his face, runs out the door, and
comes back with some hurriedly bought “gifts” that usually consist of a
T.G.I. Friday’s gift card and a six-pack of Bartles
& Jaymes. Ah, romance! In less soul-crushingly depressing news,
let’s look at how celebs celebrated today: Salma Hayek got
married to businessman Francois-Henri Pinault, who Forbes estimates as being worth $16.9 billion. (“Yowza!” Kip just said,
reading over our shoulder as he sucked down a pomegranate raspberry
Bartles & Jaymes. “You’re tellin’ me that frog’s got 17 billion
and he gets to see Salma Hayek naked? Some jerks have all the
luck!” In related news, we hope Kip has a lovely time sampling the
appetizer menu at T.G.I. Friday’s tonight. Alone.) MEANWHILE… Surprising absolutely no one, Lindsay Lohan and Samantha
Ronson had another lovers’ quarrel today, with the pair storming
out of Ronson’s birthday party with Linds shouting after her, “Samantha
Judith Ronson, why are you doing this to me?!” Normally we’d ask what
the fight was about, but frankly, we can’t get over the fact that
SamRo’s middle name is “Judith.”

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 15 Michael Jackson DeathWatch™! The
Sun reports that Jacko has a “severe staph infection that he
contracted during work to reconstruct his nose”—and even worse,
there’s a chance it could mutate into a “flesh-eating disorder.”
(Shudder.) Perhaps to buy off the Grim Reaper, Jacko’s
auctioning off over 2,000 items from Neverland Ranch, the entertainer’s
now-defunct palace/amusement park/dubious daycare center. The
Guardian has released the details on the massive auction,
which includes an oil painting of Jacko as a king; crystal- and
rhinestone-covered gloves and socks; an electric cart that features an
airbrushed image of MJ as Peter Pan; Edward Scissorhand‘s
scissor hands (shudder again); a flight simulator; a
customized Rolls-Royce limousine; a “larger-than-life” statue of
Superman; a model of Frankenstein’s castle made out of mirrors (hmm, that seems appropriate!); and, yes, a tea kettle shaped like a
tiny little train engine. Oh, celebrities: Whether you’re
auctioning off weird crap from your basements, making fun of Asians, or
getting hitched to billionaires, you give us all faith that in this
time of upheaval and financial hardship, we’re all in this
together.