MONDAY, APRIL 20 Query! Is homophobic Miss USA contestant Carrie Prejean looking for an “opposite
marriage” with Olympic swimmer/pothead Michael Phelps? As
you undoubtedly recall from this past weekend’s Miss USA pageant, Miss
California Carrie Prejean was asked by gay blogger Perez Hilton for her views on same-sex marriage. She responded
by saying, “We live in a land where you can choose same-sex marriage
or opposite. I believe that a marriage should be between a man and
a woman. No offense to anybody out there!” Ohhhhh, no offense taken,
Barbie! Why would ANYONE (especially minorities) be offended by your
attempts to curtail their attempts at equality? Too bad about not
winning Miss USA… but there’s always the Miss Hitler Youth pageant!
MEANWHILE… That’s right: Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps is
allegedly slipping his dolphin to Miss California! How do we know?
Radaronline.com heard it from
Prejean’s grandmother! Phelps—who recently and stupidly
apologized for getting caught huffing a bong—is now caught in
another potential controversy, and denying everything to high heaven.
“I’m single,” he told Us magazine. “My private life stays
private.” (HA! Good one!) When asked about Prejean’s homo-hating
statements at the Miss USA pageant, Phelps opined, “That’s the cool
thing about America—everybody has their opinion. I’m not
saying I support her, I’m not saying I don’t support her.” Tell you
what, Phelps. Just go back underwater, where hopefully you know how to
keep your mouth shut.
TUESDAY, APRIL 21 Lindsay Lohan can cry all she wants
about getting dumped by mannish gal-pal Samantha
Ronson—the real victims here are the gossip columnists! If
we’re unable to write about LiLo and SamRo destroying hotel rooms and
pitching screaming hissy fits in front of sandwich-eating
hobos—then what can we write about? Well, how about a
fairly unreliable rumor that Lindsay is now back to dating guys,
and has been seen in the company of a possibly 41-year-old possible
British club manager or possible paparazzo, possibly named Chris
Jepson? According to the New York Post, Lindsay was seen
joined at the hip with (British photog) Jepson at a Hollywood Hills
house party. Meanwhile Life & Style also had a snoop at the
shindig, claiming that Jepson was actually a manager of the posh London
Bungalow 8, and the two disappeared into the bathroom for 45
minutes. Sez the spy, “People were knocking at the door, but Lindsay
wouldn’t come out.” What were they doing in there? Maybe Jepson was
snapping her picture for News of the World. Then again he
could’ve been giving her advice on how to not get thrown out of clubs.
Or… or… sigh. Please get back with Samantha, Lindsay…
please.
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 22 Speaking of on-again, off-again, and
still off-again relationships, singer John Mayer is
bravely moving on with his life after the crushing heartbreak of being
forced to smash horsey-faced Jennifer Aniston’s heart in a
billion pieces. Good for you, Johnny boy! And the girl he’s chosen
seems like a real step up: According to Star magazine, he’s now
horsing around with 23-year-old ex-Hooters waitress Scheana Marie
Jancan. (Ugh. “Scheana” sounds like a toe fungus.) Besides slinging
hot wings at Hooters, Scheana has received many other honors, including
being a one-time runner-up in a Hawaiian Tropic bikini
pageant! However, rumor has it that Mayer still holds a secret
yearning in his heart for Jen, which might be why he’s making Scheana
wear horseshoes and eat all her meals from a feedbag. The heart hides
no secrets, John! Remember that.
THURSDAY, APRIL 23 Today, Lindsay Lohan continued her
“Look, guys! I’m perfectly okay and normal after getting dumped by
Samantha,” tour by appearing on Ellen. No stranger
to getting gay-dumped (cough—Anne Heche—cough,
cough), Ellen lent a sympathetic ear as LiLo described getting the
heave-ho from SamRo. “I had no idea what was going on,” Lindsay
said of the sudden split. “I just hadn’t seen her in like, a week. She
like, disappeared.” No clue, huh? Including the time you two were face
slapping each other on a dance floor? Not ringing a bell? Regardless,
Lindsay informed Ellen she’s planning on being alone for a while. “I
really care about Samantha and we’ll see what happens. Maybe when we’re
fully in the right place… I love her.” UPDATE! UPDATE!
UPDATE! Turns out “the right place” was Samantha’s house, because
as this previously taped interview was being shown on television,
Lindsay was spotted going into Sam’s place for a SIX-HOUR visit.
Samantha summed it up best when she changed her Facebook status to
“It’s complicated.” Ahhhh… and thank god it is.
FRIDAY, APRIL 24 UPDATE AGAIN! The Rohan mystery deepens! Looks like yesterday’s six-hour-long hump-sesh between Lindsay
and Sam wasn’t just a chance meeting for the non-couple. In the wee
hours of this morning, X17online.com reports that Lindsay took
paparazzi on a “high-speed chase” before heading home at about 2
am—at which point Sam came over! “Shutterbugs caught Ronson, 31,
leaving Lohan’s pad at 6 am Friday after spending the entire night,”
the Daily News gushed. Ah, high-speed chases and a not-so-secret
rendezvous—even when these two are broken up, they have a more
exciting relationship than certain people we could name. In totally
unrelated news, Hubby Kip has been shooting zombies in
Resident Evil 5 for almost 27 straight hours, only leaving the
couch for Hot Pockets and “pee breaks.”
SATURDAY, APRIL 25 Today Bea Arthur, the 86-year-old star of
The Golden Girls and Maude, died from cancer. A 5’9″
comic genius with a voice that gave James Earl Jones the
shivers, Arthur tackled then-taboo topics like abortion on Maude before moving on to play Dorothy on The Golden Girls, where she
proved that old ladies could be strong, independent smartasses. Seeing
as how every other unimaginative writer included the line, “Thank you
for being a friend” in their obit, we won’t go there—but we will
say that TV will be a lot lousier without Bea. MEANWHILE… And
Tony Danza agrees—TV is “terrible!” When prepping for an
interview with a local news show, Danza started mumbling to
himself—unaware that not only could his interviewer hear him, but
that the tape was rolling! “Ya know what I hate about bein’ on
these things?” Danza muttered. “Ya end up on those news shows so often,
ya know? And those news shows are terrible… I’m gonna be part
of the local news! How exciting! Ya know, right after
‘murder and mayhem, and the rescue in California, Tony Danza!’ I’m
so excited.” After the insulted interviewer let Danza know she
could hear him, he refused to apologize. “Oh, ya heard me, huh?” Danza
snickered. “Well, don’t ya feel a little bit like that’s what you do?
It’s not just me that thinks that, by the way.” Thanks Tony, for
once again proving you can be right and be a jerk.
SUNDAY, APRIL 26 RE: the apocalypse: The World Health Organization
(WHO) raised its global pandemic flu alert as the number of
swine flu-related deaths in Mexico approached 150, with over 40
cases in America. The virus has struck more than 1,600 people in
Mexico, with WHO Deputy Director General Dr. Keiji Fukuda telling a terrified populace, “Because the virus is already quite
widespread in different locations, containment is not a feasible
option.” Look, we aren’t stupid, Dr. Keiji Fukuda. Just tell us what we
all know is coming: ZOMBIE OUTBREAK. Lucky for us, our charming husband
has been doing nothing for the past day or two but practicing shooting
zombies in the face—which means we’re making a run for canned
foods and ammo, and then we’re sealing ourselves inside our house
with some boxes of Franzia and the complete DVD set of Sex
and the City. The rest of you? You’re on your own.