MONDAY, APRIL 27 First of all, we’re calling it “swine flu,” okay? We’re not calling it “swine, avian,
and human flu” or “H1N1” (which totes reads like “heinie flu”). The way
we see it, we would never die of anything with such an ignoble name, so
“swine flu” it is. However, that’s not going to stop the American
public from panicking about it, or the national media from
helping spread said panic. As of press time, there are roughly 286
possible cases of swine flu around the US, though we strongly
suspect that many these people are actually suffering from normal
paranoid dumbass flu (which unfortunately rarely kills anyone).
Naturally many of victims of the dumbass flu outbreak are centrally
located in Hollyweird, and include California Governator Arnold
Schwarzenegger who declared a state of emergency today after
being stupidly swept up in the hysteria. Hilariously, after declaring a
state of emergency, Schwarzy’s office added that “there was no need for
alarm….” So then maybe next time, they should declare “a state of
concern” instead? MEANWHILE… Not only did the “swine flu”
epidemic very nearly ruin Heidi Montag and Spencer
Pratt’s (from The Hills) Mexican honeymoon, but apparently
the disease now carries a new symptom, making these two even more
racist than before. According to Ryan Seacrest’s radio
show—does this guy even nap?—Heidi and Spencer were
supposedly forced to wear surgical facemasks during their Cabo
honeymoon (though we would request a hazmat suit if asked to touch
Spencer), and then had their vacation cut short by the flu. Said Heidi
on her Twatter account, “So sad to leave Mexico [but] ready to get out
of pig flu country!” Umm… first, it’s not “pig flu,” Heidi.
Secondly, people who live in pig countries (and marry its inhabitants)
shouldn’t throw stones.

TUESDAY, APRIL 28 Speaking of California pig people, the piggish
Miss California Carrie Prejean is continuing her 2009
homophobe tour. As you may recall, Prejean spoke out against
same-sex marriage during the Miss USA pageant, and announced
today that she is joining forces with the gay panicky members of the
National Organization for Marriage to help “protect traditional
marriages.” Prejean told NBC’s Today show that, “marriage is
something that is very dear to my heart,” and that she intends to help
“save it.” Because as we all know, whenever a gay couple marries,
God punishes a straight married couple with infidelity, spousal
abuse, or encourages the husband to kill everyone in the family before
committing suicide. It’s kind of the opposite of “giving an angel its
wings” in It’s a Wonderful Life. MEANWHILE… If Carrie
Prejean is going to act like that, we’re going to act like this: HER
BOOBS ARE FAKE. The Miss California Organization has admitted to
paying for Prejean’s boob augmentation before the Miss USA
pageant. Maybe next time they can afford to get her sense of decency
augmented too?

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 29 Apparently the GOP is showing symptoms of the
swine flu as well, because five-term Republican Senator Arlen
Specter strapped on his facemask and ran into the open arms of the
Democrats today. And while he admittedly switched parties
because he was facing an unwinnable election in 2010, Democrats like
President Obama and Veep Joe Biden couldn’t care less;
Specter’s jump gives the Dems a filibuster-proof Senate as soon as
Minnesota Senator Al Franken takes office. Wow. Creepy backroom
politics seem so much less creepy when our side is doing it. So THIS is
how the Republicans have felt for all these years!

THURSDAY, APRIL 30 If you recall, professional hillbilly Billy
Ray Cyrus got his shorts in a knot when comedian Jamie Foxx recently advised teen queen Miley Cyrus to catch “Chlamydia on a
bicycle seat.” (Don’t ask.) That’s why it seems a bit hypocritical that
Papa Cyrus has offered to send 16-year-old Miley and her 20-year-old
boyfriend off on an all- expense paid, romantic
relationship-mending Hawaiian vacation. We kind of don’t recall
our dad ever offering us this sort of deal. Apparently Miley is totes
over her current b-friend Justin Gaston who has been “cramping
her lifestyle” according to the Enquirer, but daddy Cyrus
loooooves him so much, and thinks “Justin is a solid, stand-up
Christian guy who keeps his nose clean and stays out of trouble.”
Okay. Who, besides ourselves, is now convinced that this Justin
character is probably a serial killer? WE DO NOT TRUST HIM AT
ALL. So Miley, if your dad is sooooooo in love with Justin, those
two can take the romantic trip to Hawaii, and you can spend your time
looking for a non-Christian, lie-down guy with a dirty nose, and
absolutely no intention of going on a serial killing spree. Trust us
now, thank us later.

FRIDAY, MAY 1 Sometimes celebrities just… exist. We’re not
sure why they exist, exactly, but they do. Case in point:
Denise Richards. Today, the former “actress” and reality TV star
attempted to remind people that she was still alive, and did so by
singing “Take Me out to the Ball Game” at a Chicago Cubs game. Now,
print media being what it is, we can’t do justice to the unholy
caterwaul that resulted, but we’ll give it a try:
“TAAAYAYAYACK MEEE OOUT TO THEE BALL GAAAAAME,
TAAAAYAYAYAK ME OUT WITH THEE CROOOOOOWDDD,
BUYYYYE MEEEE SOME PEEEE-NUTS AND CRACKER-JAAAAACCCCCK, I
DON’T CARE IF I NEVER GET BA—” Okay, that’s enough. When
Richards was interviewed afterward by the Palm Beach Post, she
was at least honest about it, describing her performance as
“horrifying.” “I’m not a singer, and then to be in the front of all
those people is a little terrifying,” she said. Denise, dear? Next time
you’re desperately looking for attention, we’d all appreciate it if you
thought about this sort of thing ahead of time, honey.

SATURDAY, MAY 2 David “Ol’ Drunky” Hasselhoff has still got
it! “The Hoff nearly off’d himself this time!” cracked Radaronline.com, reporting that
Hasselhoff was “rushed to Los Angeles’ Cedars-Sinai Medical Center
Saturday after his distraught daughter Hayley, 16, found him
unconscious on the floor of his home…. This time the
vodka-guzzling America’s Got Talent judge registered a staggering .39 [percent] alcohol level.” Well, what else
is new, Radaronline? As if that’s even news anymo—HOLD ON!
WAIT A MINUTE… “David’s ex, Pamela Bach, is on the warpath
and her story just doesn’t ring true,” TMZ.com shouted in response, insisting that Bach
is spreading untrue rumors about the Hoff’s boozing. According to TMZ,
Hasselhoff just wasn’t “feeling well,” and his illness, combined with a
few drinks, “made a trip the hospital prudent.” IN RELATED
NEWS… David Hasselhoff is finding his new position as CEO of
TMZ.com to be “Quite *hic*
shmatishfact’ry, an’ shmanks for ashkin’, shweet tits.”

SUNDAY, MAY 3 “Probably the sexiest woman I know is my mother,”
Transformers star/professional car crasher Shia LaBeouf recently told Playboy. “She’s an ethereal angel. Nobody
looks like that woman. If I could meet my mother and marry her, I
would. I would be with my mother now, if she weren’t my mother, as sick
as that sounds.” HOLD ON! DON’T STOP READING! (IT GETS WORSE.) “The nudity was weird,” LaBeouf continued, recalling growing up with
his hippie of a mom. “You’ve got your little buds over, and Mom’s like,
playing naked connect the dots or whatever. She’s in the middle
of ‘goddess-group time,’ where it’s literally a bunch of naked women
tracing auras around one another’s bodies with incense and then
sitting together and humming.” Okay: Shudder. And keep in mind,
that’s from someone who’s been known to play naked connect the dots
once or twice! (Ooh, that reminds us: blind item! Which goateed
’80s Hollyweird actor has moles on his back that, with a quick line of
lipstick, totally make Wilford Brimley’s face?)