One Day at a Time

MONDAY, MAY 18 To those annoying people who hate our
stories about Miss Homophobe California, Carrie
Prejean—fine, we’ll stop. Instead we’ll report a story about
Miss Homophobe’s mom! As we recently dished, Carrie is dead set
against same-sex marriage, and is all too happy to traipse
around the country sharing her stupid opinions. However, rumors are
flying that Carrie’s issues with gay people may actually be mommy
issues. When she was younger, Carrie’s parents suffered a messy
split, and both accused each other of homosexual dalliances (which are the best kind, if you ask us). Today ABC News reported that
Valerie Vetrano, an openly gay sales rep from California, claims
she had a lesbian relationship with Prejean’s mother. “I did
date her,” Vetrano admitted. “I’m not going to deny it, but I’m not
going to say anything else.” She would, however, confirm that her
relationship with Mama Prejean ended “a couple weeks before Carrie
Prejean was in the Miss USA competition.” OOOOOH! Although we’re
tempted to play armchair psychiatrist and blame Carrie’s homophobia on
her mommy abandonment issues, we’re going to hold our tongues and offer
Miss Homophobe just one piece of advice: Before you open your mouth
again? See a REAL psychiatrist. MEANWHILE… Sexy underpants
company American Apparel and not-so-sexy old person Woody
Allen have settled their differences, and the company will pay
Allen $5 million for putting his picture on their billboards
without prior permission. “It’s of course possible by going through a
trial, a jury might have awarded me more money,” Allen stated, “but
this is not how I make my living.” Ummm… since he hasn’t made
a good movie since Crimes and Misdemeanors, maybe “suing
underwear companies” wouldn’t be such a bad day job.

TUESDAY, MAY 19 And now it’s time for “Gossip Pertaining
to Celebrities We Hate.” (We’re working on a new title.) ITEM! The daughter of veep failure Sarah Palin (that would be
Bristol) is in the news again, and refusing to shut her stupid
mouth. In the most recent People magazine, the unwed teen mother
is offering unasked-for advice to teens everywhere: “If girls
realized the consequences of sex, nobody would be having sex,” Bristol
said. “Trust me. Nobody.” We would like to amend her advice slightly:
Just because Levi Johnston had a small penis, doesn’t mean all
men do. ITEM! For those who refuse to watch terrible reality TV,
Jon & Kate Plus 8 stars Kate Gosselin, who used
fertility drugs to give birth to her brood (though that doesn’t
explain why she’s such a beaver to her husband). The couple’s
marital woes have been all over the tabs recently, but an old
story dug up this week reveals that Kate was a beav even in 2005. Four
years ago, Kate wanted the state to give them money because “she
feels society has a responsibility [for her] children, since
modern medicine promotes the use of fertility drugs, which can lead to
multiple births [like hers],” according to the AP. Kate has yet to
receive a response, probably because state officials haven’t stopped
laughing. ITEM! Buck-toothed ingénue Audrina
Patridge from The Hills is dating the wildly handsome
Chris Pine, who plays young Kirk in Star Trek. In a
related story, there is no God.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 20 Back to the subject of terrible reality TV, today
millions of Americans tried to get upset that Kris Allen defeated the obviously more talented Adam Lambert in
tonight’s American Idol finale—but suddenly
remembered they didn’t give a shit. MEANWHILE! There was at
least one person at the American Idol finale who did give
a shit, and it was the person who tried to strangle judge Simon Cowell’s ex-girlfriend. Apparently the female strangler
was upset that during the previous week’s show, Simon jokingly
strangled co-judge Paula Abdul, and to show her displeasure
tried to strangle Simon’s ex-girlfriend before security pounced on her.
Yeah, we recognize the confusing double-standard, too. Anything on the
other channels?

THURSDAY, MAY 21 As reported last week, one of the child stars
of Slumdog Millionaire had his Mumbai shack
demolished by government officials, leaving him wandering aimlessly
and crying, “Where’s my chicken?” This week, the government
bulldozing continued, this time destroying the slum home of
Slumdog costar nine-year-old Rubina Ali, who told
reporters, “My house has been demolished. I’m thinking about where to
sleep.” Luckily, Slumdog director Danny Boyle stopped by
to help: “Rubina, let’s take that line again from the top, except this
time with more tears, and say something like, ‘They ran over my
kitten!’ Okay? Great. Annnd… ACTION!”

FRIDAY, MAY 22 Kevin Bacon has been having a hard time!
Earlier this year he and wife, Kyra Sedgwick, were caught up in
conman Bernie Madoff‘s $65 billion Ponzi scheme. And yesterday,
Bacon’s BlackBerry was stolen in the New York subway! “Kevin
Bacon wasn’t footloose enough,” snickered the New York Post in
their story “Subway Thief Smokes Bacon.” “Now the thief is a lot
less than six degrees of separation away from a coveted cache of A-list
celebrities and boldface names likely programmed into Bacon’s ‘Berry.”
Bacon reportedly gave chase after the thief, but lost the mugger
in the crowd. While we’re certainly angry at this thoughtless thief,
the Post actually committed the greater crime here, calling a
BlackBerry a “‘Berry.” Where are the “douchebag police” when you need
them?

SATURDAY, MAY 23 “I want a booty call with Jamie Foxx,”
Kirstie Alley told People magazine earlier this month.
“I’ve always had a bit of a thing for him.” Now the World Entertainment
News Network finally has Foxx’s response, which they ran under
the headline, “Foxx Considers Alley Romance.” (We’ve had a few
alleyway encounters of our own—but we wouldn’t call them
“romantic.”) Foxx’s reaction? “I do like them thick,” he said. “[And]
she is thick.” In other words, Foxx just called Kirstie Alley
fat—but in a really nice way! We think? Anyway, let the
Cheers/Ray roleplay scenarios begin!

SUNDAY, MAY 24 Aha! We knew it! Judging by the underwhelming
ratings, fewer people than ever cared about the American
Idol finale. Excluding, of course, former Idol star Clay Aiken, who immediately logged on to his
subscription-only website (clayonline.com, which charges $29.95 a
year for the privilege of reading Aiken’s blog posts) to write an
800 kazillion-word-long diatribe that was provocatively titled,
“Silence broken.” “I only turn the show on once a season, and
only to see what the set looks like each year,” Aiken lied. “This year,
I happened to turn it on during the minute Adam Lambert was singing
‘Ring of Fire’ and, at that moment, thought my ears would bleed.
Contrived, awful, and slightly frightening!” About 1,232,759 words
later, Aiken continued rambling to no one in particular. “When
Ruben [Studdard] and I were standing next to each other every
night (many years ago) you had two equally talented, equally unlikely,
equally unpolished contestants… so it really was a matter of taste as
to who was voted—zzzZZZZZZZZzzz.” Oh, sorry. Dozed off there…
now, where were we? Screw it, let’s skip ahead a few million words.
“There may have been some folks who voted for myself or Ruben because
they didn’t like the other of us,” Aiken went on, giving grammar
teachers the world over massive coronaries. “I was the nerdy little
girly boy who some didn’t want to see win, so they may have voted
for Ruben. I don’t know…. But again, I feel that Ruben and I
were fairly matched. We both had our detractors and negatives, but I
feel we were both very worthy of—zzzZZZzzzzzZZZ.” Oh, dear. There
we go again. But don’t say you never learn anything from One Day at a
Time, dears! This week’s lesson? $29.95 a year is way cheaper
than whatever you’ve been paying that Canadian to illegally send you
Ambien.