One Day at a Time

MONDAY, JUNE 1 In the mood for some shocking upsets? Yes, you are!
SHOCKING UPSET #1: Humanitarian/home wrecker Angelina Jolie has
surpassed Oprah Winfrey as the world’s most powerful
celebrity, according to the annual list compiled by Forbes magazine. “Soooo… how exactly does one worm their way onto such a
list?” we asked ourselves jealously. Apparently Forbes puts the
list together by ranking famous people based on “media exposure” and
“career earnings.” Oh. So that would explain why we landed in the
bottom part of the list just under American Idol failure
Nikki McKibbin. Anyway! Naturally Angelina was thrilled by the
announcement, and broadcasted the following statement on giant screens
scattered across the globe: “Attention Citizens of Earth! I have
usurped your former leader Oprah Winfrey, and am now your
master! Bow before me, and lay your handsome men and orphans at my
feet!” Oh, and she laughed maniacally a bit, too. MEANWHILE… SHOCKING UPSET #2 (that is, if you’re British): Scotland’s Susan
Boyle—who may not look like much, but has an amazing
voice—was defeated this weekend by some limey dance troupe
on the reality show Britain’s Got Talent. Naturally, and because
the British are incapable of subtlety, SuBo immediately collapsed
from exhaustion and was rushed to a rehab clinic, where she
couldn’t stop weeping, or asking for her cat “Pebbles,”
according to The Sun. Umm-hmmm. Sorry, there aren’t enough
hyperbolic British adjectives in the world to make this story
interesting to Americans. Next!

TUESDAY, JUNE 2 Even though MTV’s non-realistic reality show The
Hills is gone for the season, cast members/Christians/blights on
humanity Spencer and Heidi Pratt continue to successfully make
the gossip tabs. This week, the pair volunteered to compete for charity
on the NBC show, I’m a Celebrity… Get Me out of Here!,”
in which failed denizens of Tinselturd (like Stephen Baldwin)
try to coexist in a Costa Rican jungle. The premiere episode started in
classic Speidi fashion, when someone stole Heidi’s dry shampoo and
Spencer went ape-shit, knocking a water bottle out of the offending
contestant’s hand. Soon after, the pair quit the show—then a day
later begged to be let back into the competition, claiming “the
devil got to us” and that they kind of, sort of forgot it was
supposed to be for charity. Though allowed to once again compete, NBC
executive Paul Telegdy summed it up best on Ryan
Seacrest’s show. “[Heidi and Spencer] are everything that’s
wrong with America,” Telegdy wisely noted. “They are insincere,
lazy, entitled, and they claim that the devil has possessed them.
They are back… [but] what they don’t realize is that they are going
to be examined and their value system utterly deconstructed.” Then he
laughed maniacally a little bit. (Move over, Angelina! You’ve got
competition!)

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 3 Though states like California and Oregon may be
lagging behind, New Hampshire gets it, and today became the
sixth state to legalize gay marriage. Shockingly, even
professional douchebags like former Vice President Dick Cheney have jumped on the same-sex marriage bandwagon, telling the National
Press Club, “Freedom means freedom for everyone. I think people ought
to be free to enter into any kind of union they wish, any kind of
arrangement they wish.” (Don’t get too excited… by “arrangement,”
Cheney means “waterboarding.”)

THURSDAY, JUNE 4 News straight out of leftfield: The nude body of
actor David Carradine (best known for his role in Kill
Bill) was discovered today hanging in the closet of his Bangkok
hotel. While originally thought to be a suicide, a police officer told
The Sun, “A rope was attached to his neck and also to his
penis,” suggesting either autoerotic asphyxiation, or perhaps a sex
game gone wrong. Carradine’s spokesperson told TMZ, “We can confirm 100
percent that he never would have committed suicide. It was an
accidental death.” Trust us: You have not heard the last of this
story. MEANWHILE… A recent Gallup poll has at last revealed
the shocking truth: 89 percent of the GOP is white, 63 percent
of them identify as “conservatives,” and almost half consider
themselves “strongly religious.” When asked what everyone else in the
world thought about this information, 99.999 percent answered, “No
shit, Sherlock!”

FRIDAY, JUNE 5 Like herpes, some rumors never go
away—instead, they fester into painful little boils, always
coming back just when you’ve forgotten about ’em. One such rumor? When
former Full House stars threaten to resurrect
their show! Last time, it was Candace Cameron Bure—AKA
chubby li’l D.J. Tanner—who erroneously promised a Full
House reunion. Now, John Stamos—AKA Uncle
Jesse—is “conceptualizing a Full House feature film,”
according to the Daily News. “I’m working on a movie idea, but
it wouldn’t be us playing us,” Stamos said. “I see Steve Carell as Danny Tanner and Tracy Morgan as Joey Gladstone, because he’s
funny.” When reached for comment, original Uncle Joey Dave
Coulier called Stamos’ plans “ludicrous” and “the troubled workings
of a desperate mind.” “Johnny’s gotta cut… it… out!” Coulier
laughed. “Seriously! Besides, everyone knows that once my
feature-length screenplay, Full House: House Party!, is
greenlit, I’ll reprise my role as Joey—as well as play all the
other characters… and also direct,” he added as he obsessively
stroked a threadbare groundhog puppet, and daydreamed about how to most
effectively murder Tracy Morgan.

SATURDAY, JUNE 6 Don’t forget: Lindsay Lohan still exists!
“The actress spent last night shadowing her ex-girlfriend Samantha
Ronson around town after following her to London this week,” the
Daily Mail reports, while the Mirror claims that at a
London club, Linds “sat with her straggly hair all over her face
looking strangely detached from the world and mumbled, ‘I feel so,
like, caged. Totally caged,'” before she “squirmed around as if
trying to hide in a ball on the floor.” Loveline‘s Dr.
Drew weighed in, telling Parade magazine, “I’m convinced
that she’ll get sober one day. But I’m afraid that between now and
then, she may get a nearly mortal wound…. She needs to give it
up. And it’s going to be a while before she does. I have this image
that she’s going to lose a limb or something before she does.
And it scares me.” On Twitter, LiLo responded to Dr. Drew’s unsolicited
prophecies: “I thought REAL doctors talked to patients in
offices behind closed doors,” Lohan twatted. “Am I wrong? Hmmmmm. I
think NOT. Yay!” And thus concludes your weekly reminder that Lindsay
Lohan does, in fact, still exist.

SUNDAY, JUNE 7 Okay, so remember that confusion about what killed
David Carradine? Well, now we know—and it wasn’t suicide,
or autoerotic asphyxiation, or Colonel Mustard! No, the true culprit
was… an ancient clan of secret ninjas. “David
was very interested in investigating and disclosing secret societies,”
said a guest on Larry King Live—prompting Carradine family
lawyer Mark Geragos to suggest that kung fu assassins eliminated
Carradine. “There is a suspicion that if there was some foul play,”
Geragos intoned, “[the martial arts community of which Carradine was a
part] may be the first area where they should look.” Carradine’s
ex-wife, Marina Anderson, told the New York Post, “If he
was involved in secret societies, it was a secret that even I didn’t
know about,” ominously adding, “But he did have some big secrets.”
Then—THWOK!—a ninja throwing star whizzed past
Anderson’s head, embedding itself in the wall next to her! “Whoops!
Sorry ’bout that!” called Dave Coulier, standing up from his
hiding place behind a dumpster. “Thought you were Tracy Morgan!” And
then, with a puff of smoke, he disappeared.