MONDAY, JUNE 8 How does one tell if one is “unlikeable”? Well, in
the case of washed-up vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin,
it’s when one can’t take a fucking joke. Late night host David
Letterman poked fun at Palin and her easily impregnated brood on
his show tonight, commenting on her trip to NYC. “One awkward moment
for Sarah Palin at the Yankee game,” Letterman joked. “During the
seventh inning, her daughter was knocked up by Alex Rodriguez.”
Now, in Palin’s defense, it was 14-year-old daughter Willow
Palin at the game, rather than Bristol “Abstinence for Everyone
Except Me” Palin. And though it was clearly Bristol who Letterman
was joking about, that didn’t stop Mama Palin from hopping on a wild
stallion of righteous indignation. “Laughter incited by sexually
perverted comments made by a 62-year-old male celebrity aimed at a
14-year-old girl is not only disgusting,” Palin moralized, “but it
reminds us some Hollywood/NY entertainers have a long way to go
in understanding what the rest of America understands—that
acceptance of inappropriate sexual comments…” OH, SHUT UP!
Jesus Christ, what a goddamn boring blabbermouth she is! It’s no wonder
she’s a national laughingstock! And her husband Todd “I Race
Snowmobiles!” Palin is just as bad (though thankfully less
longwinded). “Any jokes about raping my 14-year-old are
despicable,” Todd said to Fox News, in between tobacco spits.
“Alaskans know it, and I believe the rest of the world knows it
too.” Two things, Todd: (1) Letterman wasn’t talking about Willow, but
you already know that, and (2) At least you’re offering some new
information. We had no idea Alaskans think rape is despicable! Learn
something new every day.

TUESDAY, JUNE 9 While we’re ordinarily not much of a fan of
Donald Trump or his overused catchphrase, we were tickled pink
today when the weirdly coiffed billionaire told Carrie Prejean (AKA Miss Homophobe California), “YOU’RE FIRED!” According to multiple news sources, Prejean—who loudly voiced her
opposition to same-sex marriage during the Miss USA pageant, and
has gone on to become the poster girl for the conservative/religious
right—has been dethroned after racking up a number of
contract violations, which appar- ently includes being a real
P-in-the-A to work with. Of course, Prejean doesn’t see it that way.
“[The Miss California Organization] doesn’t agree with the stance that
I took [on Proposition 8],” Prejean told TMZ.com. “They don’t like me. From day one
they wanted me out, and they got what they wanted.” Boo-hoo-HOO. We
would wager it has less to do with her stance on same-sex marriage, and
more to do with the perception that she’s a spoiled princess who
thinks her good looks make it okay to be a real beaver in the
workplace. As for the rest of us, she’s right: Her stance on Prop 8 is
bigoted and stupid; ergo, we don’t like her. Best of luck in the
unemployment line, Carrie!

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 10 Speaking of bigots, some horrible news from the
Holocaust Memorial Museum in Washington, DC… 88-year-old white
supremacist and Holocaust denier James von Brunn shot and killed
one of the museum’s security guards today. Security guard Stephen
Tyrone Johns was apparently opening the door and trying to help the
aged man inside when von Brunn raised his rifle, fired, and ensured
himself a special place in hell. As if it weren’t ensured already.
MEANWHILE… In far cuter news, Politico.com reported today that when a
preteen attending President Obama’s town hall meeting in
Wisconsin feared she may get in trouble by skipping school, the
president wrote the following note for her: “To Kennedy’s
teacher, Please excuse Kennedy’s absence… She’s with me. Barack
Obama.” Now that’s a good president! (Where was he when
we were in elementary school?)

THURSDAY, JUNE 11 In Hollyweird relationship news: Britney
Spears is now dating her agent, and Papa “Grand Overlord”
Spears couldn’t be happier! (It’s in the Britney Spears Employee
Handbook that all male employees must be castrated prior to their first
day on the job.) MEANWHILE… Socialite Paris Hilton is
dunzo with beau Doug Reinhardt (of The Hills), and within
24 hours of the breakup, she was already spotted sucking the tonsils
out of Portuguese soccer stud Cristiano Ronaldo’s mouth! Totally
understandable, considering Portugal’s questionable hospital
conditions. MEANWHILE… Are Lindsay Lohan and
Samantha Ronson back together? Exhibit A: The former lesbo-rific
duo has been traveling companions in London for the past week.
Exhibit B: Lindy is sporting a huge rock on her marrying
finger. Exhibit C: On the day of their departure, LiLo twatted on
Twitter, “Leaving London but with my favorite favorite!!!-travel
buddy & great news to share!! Maybe….” Exhibit D: It’s Paris, and
not LiLo, who’s sucking the tonsils out of some poor sucker’s
mouth.

FRIDAY, JUNE 12 So remember on Wednesday, we when we were all, “Now
that’s a good president!”? Welllll…. Late last night the Obama
administration expressed its support for the Defense of Marriage
Act (DOMA), the law that allows states to refuse to recognize
same-sex marriages. And yes, the Obama administration did this despite
the fact that while campaigning, Obama vowed to overturn DOMA. Dammit,
Barack. For a while, you were doing so good.

SATURDAY, JUNE 13 “There can be no question that the June 12, 2009,
Iranian presidential election was stolen,” wrote reporter Laura
Secor today on The New Yorker‘s website. While Iran’s
incumbent President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad claims to have won the
country’s presidential election by a landslide, hundreds of thousands
of Iranians insist that reformist candidate Mir Hossein Mousavi was the actual winner, based on countless instances of anecdotal
evidence. In response, Ahmadinejad’s administration shut down Iran’s
internet and cell phone networks, and massive protests filled the
chaotic streets of Tehran. Despite the government’s attempts at
suppression, first-person accounts of police brutality came to
the fore not through traditional outlets (as camera crews for NBC and
ABC had their equipment confiscated, the BBC was ordered out of the
country, and CNN bewilderingly decided to forego live coverage from
Iran in favor of a repeat of Larry King interviewing the stars of
American Chopper) but rather via YouTube and
Twitter. “Cable news is useless, but we knew that already,”
wrote Andrew Sullivan on his blog for The Atlantic, where
he compiled many of Tehran’s most relevant videos and Tweets. “The
future [of journalism] is a fusion of MSM [mainstream media] tradition
and new media open-source news gathering, aggregating, editing,
filtering.” Some of the Tweets Sullivan highlighted: “Hospitals around
Tehran are surrounded by security forces who refuse to let those with
injuries pass, humanity at its worst,” “My Father has a truck
load of ballot boxes that were to be burned in the back of his truck,”
“I can’t find my friends on streets,” and “sources from Tehran: ppl are
killed, ppl are in blood, tehran is hell.”

SUNDAY, JUNE 14 Now that we’re done talking about trifling things
like, y’know, the complete meltdown of a major Middle Eastern nation,
Hubby Kip is threatening to throw a tantrum if we don’t report
on whatever dumb thing his latest crush, Transformers harlot
Megan Fox, is telling people this week. SIGH… “I’m
currently what you might call single, I guess,” the young hussy said
while in Berlin to promote her latest giant-robots-punching-each-other
masterpiece. One candidate desperately auditioning to be Fox’s new boy
toy? Her doofy Transformers costar, Shia LaBeouf! “I’d
date her, of course!” LaBeef giddily told reporters, making everyone
within earshot kinda uncomfortable. “She’s beautiful! She’s amazing!”
IN TOTALLY UNRELATED NEWS… Hubby Kip has been in the basement
for six hours, clumsily duct-taping together all of our old Manolo
Blahnik shoeboxes to make “a sweet Optimus Prime costume.”
“She’s gotta be impressed by that, right?” was the last thing we heard
before we came upstairs and made ourselves no less than five
exceedingly stiff martinis.