MONDAY, JUNE 15 Question time! Who’s more annoying:
washed-up former veep wannabe Sarah Palin, or Iran?
Well, there is no incorrect answer, because BOTH are acting like total
beavers today. BEAVER #1! According to CNN, Iran is currently in
turmoil because their presidential election has been allegedly
stolen by a hard-liner incumbent. (Hmm… why does this story sound
so familiar?) Hundreds of thousands of protesters stormed “Freedom
Square” in Tehran today after ultra-conservative incumbent President
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad won the national election with more than 62
percent of the vote—even though presidential (and more liberal)
candidate Hossein Moussavi was considered to be a shoe-in for
the office. (Later in the week it was discovered that there were more
votes tallied than actual voters. Again, hmmmm….) BEAVER #2! After
late-show talk host David Letterman apologized AGAIN for
unintentionally offending “Queen Beav” Sarah Palin’s 14-year-old
daughter, the former veep candidate finally decided to ungracefully
accept his mea culpa. “Of course [his apology] is accepted on
behalf of young women, like my daughters, who hope men who ‘joke’ about
public displays of sexual exploitation of girls will soon evolve,”
Palin’s painfully longwinded statement began. “Letterman certainly has
the right to ‘joke’ about whatever he wants to, and thankfully we have
the right to express our reaction. And this is all thanks to our US
military women and men putting their lives on the line for—.”
SHUT… UP! SHUT… UP! CAN SOMEONE MAKE THIS BEAVER SHUT… THE…
FUCK… UP?!? (Ahem. Sorry. And thanks to our brave people in the
military who continue to defend our inalienable right to call Sarah
Palin a beaver.)

TUESDAY, JUNE 16 After reading the following entry, one
may be inclined to ask, “How can one person get into so much trouble
within a 24-hour period?” It’s really not that hard… especially if
that one person happens to be Lindsay Lohan! EXAMPLE 1:
Linds was spotted at NYC’s the Box, where a clubgoer claimed she was
acting “extremely oddly and erratically.” And what’s the
evidence of this “extremely oddly” behavior? According to the clubgoer,
“She came in at 4:30 am and went to a VIP room where she immediately
climbed a stripper pole.” Umm… nope. That’s not very “extremely
oddly” for Lindsay. The clubgoer continued, “When [a very handsome guy]
didn’t know the answer [to one of her questions], she lost it and
started yelling and cursing and flying around the room.” Again,
sorry… but that’s not so “extremely oddly” for our girl LiLo either.
On the other hand, if she were to post a topless picture of herself
on Twatter, or if she was accused of stealing $400,000 worth of
Dior jewels from an Elle photoshoot? Now THAT is what we
would call “extremely oddly” for Lindsay. Wait… she DID do all those
things? Oh. Then we consider ourselves extremely and oddly
corrected.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 17 The hearts of 50 billion
Twilight fans leapt into their throats today, when it was
revealed that hunky star Robert Pattinson was struck by a cab while trying to escape a throng of young, and presumably horny, fans.
While on a break from filming Remember Me in Manhattan,
Pattinson’s five-person security team was unable to stop a prepubescent
swarm of hormonal teens who chased the star into the street where he
was nicked on the hip by a taxi. Though Pattinson was unscathed
by incident, RadarOnline.com reported that as one of his security guards checked him for injuries,
the bodyguard screamed at the crowd, “You see what you did? You
almost killed him!” (The subtext running inside his brain: “Stay
away from him, bitches! HE’S MINE!!”)

THURSDAY, JUNE 18 In news that’s sure to delight the four fans of
So You Think You Can Dance, Katie Holmes will be making a
“surprise” appearance on an upcoming episode! “She is working with the
choreographer Tyce Diorio,” a source tells Us. “They want
it to seem like she waltzed in and put it together very quickly, but
that’s really not the case.” “Balderdash and hipperwhizzle!” Emperor
Klaaktu of Rigel VII roared when reached via transgalactic hologram
for comment. “As if the beatific child bride of Tom Cruise needs
a ‘choreographer’! When the lovely Katie Holmes stoops to share her
TOTALLY ORIGINAL AND UNAIDED ‘jazz hands ‘n’ jitterbug‘ routine
with the likes of you, it would serve you well to take
notice—lest the plasma eels of Dagonta XII feast upon your
life-essence! Why, it reminds me of my youth, before I shed my larval
sacs. You see, a jaunty jig called the ‘Dagobah Shuffle‘ was
popular at the time, and amongst all my fellow slime-hatchlings, I was
the most skilled at its sensual gyrations and tentacle spasms! I set my
sights on seducing Queen Hextlar of the Brood People, and I
daresay she found my dance routine most delight—er, I digress. My
point is, watch your once-and-future queen, Katie Holmes, on So You
Think You Can Dance, Wednesdays and Thursdays on FOX! Wait, is that
the same time Merlin is on? Because Merlin is also pretty
good. You should watch that, too.”

FRIDAY, JUNE 19 “The stars of Jon & Kate
Plus 8 have unwittingly used reality television to broadcast
the reality of an unraveling marriage,” reported RadarOnline.com today. Well, NOT ANYMORE.
Sounds like horrible parents/attention whores Jon and Kate
Gosselin will soon be filing for divorce! (This might have
something to do with another report, which claims that “Jon and Kate
haven’t slept together in months.” “Jon has been living in sleeping
quarters in the garage,” RadarOnline.com says. “Their on-screen
fighting and bickering pales in comparison to the off-screen chill that
exists between them, and Jon has done everything he can to avoid his
wife.”) Notably, the people in this situation who seem to have been
forgotten by everyone—including Jon and Kate—are the
couple’s eight children. Oh, well. MEANWHILE… In totally
unrelated news, the child stars of Slumdog Millionaire were
surprised and worried upon hearing the news that soon, eight more
children would be moving into their slum. “We’ll tell you what we told
the fat kid from that shitty Charlie Sheen sitcom when he tried to move
in,” 11-year-old Azharuddin Mohammed Ismail, best known for his
rousing portrayal of the young Salim in Slumdog Millionaire,
told reporters. “There’s not enough food, and a tractor pushes over our
house once a week. Unless those brats are bringing their own
shanty—or at the very least a Wii—they are not welcome
here.”

SATURDAY, JUNE 20 “I feel so sad for him. That’s so
terrible!” gushed Transformers hussy Megan Fox. She
was responding to a photo that made the rounds last week, showing the
buxom, lusted-after starlet striding through a crowd… and ignoring a
tubby teenager who was desperately, pathetically offering her a
single yellow rose. “That kills me!” Fox continued. “What you
don’t really see in the picture is that there are like 80 million
people everywhere! …I didn’t know that was happening. It breaks my
heart. And if you know his name, I’ll send him a personal apology. I’m
horrified—I would never do that. I’m sorry, sweet boy. I
would never do that to you, and I would gladly accept your rose.”
OKAY, SO… Yes, we know that Fox is a skanky tramp who has
bewitched all of the men on the planet (including Hubby Kip,
who, yes, is still trying to impress her by making that stupid homemade
Optimus Prime costume), but maybe—maybe—she’s not as
horrible as we first thought. MAYBE.

SUNDAY, JUNE 21 Remember that hullaballo in Iran? Well,
we finally have some expert analysis on the whole situation!
“Considering how well fighting 4 freedom in Iraq went, I dont know that
we should B jumping in2 this Iran deal,” Ashton Kutcher warily
twatted this week. And so ends this week’s Meet the Press:
Celebrity Twats Edition. Good night, and good luck.