MONDAY, JUNE 22 Welcome to Celebrity Bloodbath
Week™. Please take a moment to locate the nearest exit, make
sure your seatbelts are fastened, and your dinner tray is in its
upright and locked position. Ready? Here we go: Jon and Kate
Gosselin (stars of the reality show Jon & Kate Plus
Eight) surprised absolutely no one today when they announced they
will be filing for divorce—thereby saving their obviously
relieved eight children the trouble of filing for emancipation.
MEANWHILE… Fellow gossip whore Perez Hilton found
himself on the receiving end of an eye punch this past weekend,
courtesy of Black Eyed Peas manager Polo Molina. The incident
occurred outside a Toronto nightclub, when an argument broke out
between Hilton and band members will.i.am and Fergie. When the
gossip columnist unwisely called will.i.am a “faggot,” he was rewarded
with a very unattractive black eye. But let’s face it—it could’ve
been worse! What if Hilton had called Fergie “pee-pee pants”? (We shall
never forget.) MEANWHILE… Speaking of relieving oneself,
Portland Mayor Sam Adams was cleared of all criminal
charges today in regards to the Beau Breedlove sex
scandal—bringing at least a partial end to one of the tawdrier
(and c’mon… sexier) local news stories in recent history.
Though the recall people and moralists will undoubtedly be clamoring
for a public hangin’, we’ve all learned some serious lessons from Sam’s
encounter. For example: (1) When someone asks you if you’ve had sex
with a minor, say, “I have broken no laws and mind your own goddamn
business.” (2) Never text or email anything you don’t want the entire
world to see. And (3)… the Macaroni Grill? For a romantic rendezvous?
OH PLEASE. (Though Hubby Kip thinks a romantic night out
includes a Coors Light and a plate of buffalo wings at
Fuddruckers.)

TUESDAY, JUNE 23 Speaking of romantic interludes gone horribly
wrong, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford has confessed to
having a long-distance Argentinean love affair after
disappearing for a week. And remember how we mentioned earlier that one
should never text or email anything one doesn’t want the entire
world to read? Here’s a choice quote from one of Gov. Sanford’s emails
to his Argentine sweetie. “Do you really comprehend how beautiful your
smile is?” he wrote. “Have you been told lately how warm your eyes
are and how they softly glow with the special nature of your soul?
Please sleep soundly knowing that despite the best efforts of my head,
my heart cries out for you, your voice, your body, the touch of
your lips, the touch of your fingertips, and an even deeper connection
to your soul. I love you… sleep tight.” WAHHH!! Kip! Put down that
stupid buffalo wing and say something romantic to me!!
MEANWHILE… Former Tonight Show co-host Ed
McMahon—dead at the age of 86. (Kip: That made you spit out
your buffalo wing, didn’t it?)

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 24 “Iranian officials stepped up efforts
to crush the remaining resistance to a disputed presidential
election,” the New York Times reported today about Iran,
which is still reeling from its controversial (that’s code for
“rigged”) election. As if that weren’t worrisome enough, the
Times added, “The nation’s leadership [has] cast anyone refusing
to accept the results of the race as an enemy of the state,”
also pointing out that after hundreds of journalists and activists were
detained by police forces and militias, “the comprehensive crackdown
left the center of Tehran eerily quiet.” (Okay, maybe our 2000 election
wasn’t so bad.)

THURSDAY, JUNE 25 Following a long and public battle with cancer,
Farrah Fawcett passed away this morning. Her death sadened those
who remembered her from, among other things, her roles on Charlie’s
Angels and—HOLY CRAP, MICHAEL JACKSON DIED. TMZ.com broke the story this afternoon, and word
instantly spread around the globe via Facebook, Twitter, and text
messages. As traditional sources like the New York Times and CNN
confirmed the news, hundreds assembled at the Los Angeles hospital
where Jackson died, and even more gathered underneath the marquee of
Harlem’s Apollo Theater, where the Jackson 5 once
performed. In Hollywood, Jackson’s star on the Walk of Fame was
buried beneath flowers, while candlelight vigils were
held in Tokyo and makeshift memorials formed
everywhere—from Jackson’s childhood home in Gary, Indiana, to the
fence around the American Embassy in Russia. It seems a bit too easy to
be maudlin about this, just as it seems a bit too easy to crack jokes
at Jackson’s expense, but one thing’s for sure: From the adorable
14-year-old who sang “I Want You Back” with his brothers on
Soul Train, to the sex symbol who introduced the world to the
moonwalk, to the creepy, alien-like celebrity who dangled
babies off balconies and fought accusations of child
molestation, Jackson led a life unlike anyone else’s, and his
cultural impact was staggering. At least now, he won’t have those damn
gossip columnists following him everywhere he goes.

FRIDAY, JUNE 26 Done listening to Off the Wall and feeling mopey? Good, ’cause it’s about to get
messy. “Quite frankly, he may be worth more dead than alive,” Jerry
Reisman told the Associated Press. Reisman, the general counsel for
the studio where Jackson produced Thriller (and who also has a
master’s degree in saying mean things about dead people while their
bodies are still warm), is only one observer making note of the
outpouring of cash following Jackson’s death. Yesterday, Amazon.com sold out of Michael Jackson and
Jackson 5 albums within minutes, with sales of all things
Jackson-related going up over 700 percent. Likewise, “Around the
time of Jackson’s death, only one of his albums ranked in the top 100
on iTunes in the United States,” according to the AP. “By Friday
morning, eight of the top 10 albums were Jackson’s.” With creditors
looming (Jackson was reportedly over $400 million in debt),
forthcoming autopsy results, and the custody of Jackson’s children
still undecided, expect to hear a lot more about Jackson in the coming
weeks. “I’m sure when the autopsy comes, all hell’s going to break
loose,” Jackson’s friend and professional crazy person Liza
Minnelli cryptically warned on The Early Show. (Nope.
Nothing worrisome about that ominous statement at all.)

SATURDAY, JUNE 27 Remember how Transformers hussy Megan
Fox cruelly ignored that young boy who offered her a single rose?
Well, never ones to let a crass promotional opportunity get away,
Kodak offered $5,000 to anyone who could find the boy—and
Facebook users soon tracked down 11-year-old Brit Harvey
Kindlon, who, on his profile page, calls himself “Harvii” and lists
his interests as “celebrities,” “musicals,” “Twilight,” and
“spending money lol.” Yesterday, Kodak flew the poor, misguided Harvey
to New York, where Fox was scheduled to appear on the Today show! Only problem? Thanks to Michael Jackson’s death, Fox was bumped
from Today—and even if she had been in NYC, Kodak
never told Today‘s producers about their plan to unite the
star-cross’d lovers. “Harvey was never scheduled to appear, and
we don’t plan to have him on,” an ice-hearted Today representative spat, grinning as she ground Harvey’s dreams into a fine
powder. Allow us, dear readers, to make a prediction: Six
months—a year, tops—and this kid’s gonna be back in the
news. Probably for something really scary. Twilight-related.
Possibly involving guns?

SUNDAY, JUNE 28 Celebrity Bloodbath Week™ continues, claiming another casualty: infomercial spokesman Billy
Mays. The bearded, enthusiastic OxiClean salesman died in his sleep
this morning, most likely due to heart trouble. “It has been a sad week
already, and with Billy’s passing the world has lost another gem,” said
Ron Popeil, King of the Infomercials. “Billy was the leader of
the next generation of pitchmen. I’m sad to see his sale cut short.”
First: No, we didn’t make that up, and second, oh sweet lord.
What. A. Week. Rest in peace, Ed, Farrah, Michael, and yes, even you,
Billy. You were always so concerned about the brightness of our
whites.