MONDAY, AUGUST 10 Certainly you’ve heard the expression, “In the
land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king”? Today we slightly modify
that adage: “In the land of slow gossip days, Jon & Kate Plus
Eight are king… and divorced queen… and emotionally traumatized
little princes and princesses.” Abrasive breeder Kate Gosselin appeared on NBC’s Today show, and while the
producers claim she was a perfect angel, the folks behind the scenes
had a different opinion. “She was a total bitch,” said one
longtime NBC staffer, who added, “We get virtually all the world’s
biggest egos coming through here, but Kate was one of the most
unpleasant.” And while Kate shed tears while describing her
post-marital woes to NBC’s Meredith Vieira, following her
performance Kate was overheard shit-talking the host and “swearing
like a drunken sailor as she stormed out.” Sorry that you missed
the main event, NBC staffers, but she was just getting warmed up! Later
on, Kate was spotted outside the gate of their former house,
screaming at the top of her lungs for ex-hubby Jon
Gosselin to come out and get the ass whipping he deserved.
Apparently Kate was upset with Jon’s choice of babysitter that
day—the same babysitter he allegedly slept with—and
raised so much holy hell that the police were called to shoo her away.
But really, Kate! You should take it easy on Jon. After all, he’s
probably suffering just as much as… hold on. This just in… Jon
Gosselin has been hired by the MGM Grand to host their next Las
Vegas pool party. Hmmm… well, at least he’s got the babysitter
lined up, right?

TUESDAY, AUGUST 11 Notice: We are not “fat shaming”
anyone here, okay? But even Kelly Clarkson agrees that she’s no
waif, and in addition, happily admits she’s perfectly satisfied with
her new sexy-plus size. However, Self magazine isn’t so satisfied. On the cover of their September issue, Self Photoshopped maybe 50 to 100 pounds off poor Kelly—but
don’t worry, everybody! No ethical dilemma here! Self‘s editors
explain their rampant Photoshopping actually “inspires women” to “be
their best!” Says Self‘s Editor-in-Chief Lucy Danziger,
“Portraits like the one we take each month for the cover of Self are not supposed to be unedited or a true-to-life snapshot…. Did we
alter [Kelly’s] appearance? Only to make her look her personal
best. Did we publish an act of fiction? No. Not unless you think
all photos are that.” Wait… what? Just to be clear, these
weren’t minor changes—such as erasing crow’s feet or covering up
a zit—this was lopping off over a quarter of Clarkson’s entire
body. However, we do applaud Danziger’s loping, twisted argument for
its sheer audacity, and if O.J. Simpson is ever looking for
another defense attorney? Danziger’s his gal!

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 12 “TMI” Headline of the Week: “Heidi
Pratt Claims to Have Had ’20-30′ Orgasms in a Single Day.” Brrrr…
did you hear that? It’s the sound of CRAWLING FLESH. In September’s
issue of Playboy (the magazine for mentally arrested
geriatrics), Heidi is interviewed by her flesh-bearded new hubby
Spencer Pratt about… gag… “sex.” Here’s what she had to say
about sex before she met Spenny: “I knew what sex was, but when I met
you I entered into a whole new realm… to experience a day with 20
or 30 orgasms. I feel sorry for couples who aren’t as sexually
satisfied as we are.” Oh, we feel sorry for them, too, Heidi. That’s
why we’d like to say CONGRATULATIONS! That’s right,
congratulations on somehow overcoming the mind-numbing grossness
of yourself and your slimeball hubby to achieve something that you
perversely believe is erotic satisfaction. And while we have never
personally experienced “20 or 30 orgasms” in a day, our Hubby
Kip has—and on multiple occasions. (This is unverifiable,
however, since he tends to lock the bathroom door.)

THURSDAY, AUGUST 13 Today in “unbelievably dreamy George
Clooney” news: Georgie has upped his unbelievably dreamy quotient
yet again by racing to rescue the virtue of a 13-year-old girl.
While attempting to snap photos of George and his gorgeous latest flame
Elisabetta Canalis (we hate her), a member of the Italian
paparazzi climbed a tree and snapped a topless picture of
Clooney’s friend’s 13-year-old daughter as she was changing in a guest
room. OH, HELL NO is right! Now George is slapping a giant
lawsuit on the pap and the magazines that published the photo.
“I don’t know about the law in the United States,” said Clooney, who
actually does know about the law in the United States, yet often
feigns a charming naiveté about such things, “but in Italy, it’s
illegal for photographers to climb over my wall and to take
long-lens pictures of a 13-year-old girl in her bedroom. I draw the
line of privacy at that.” (Dear George: Would you also draw the line at
annoying hubbies who like to take unflattering photos of our lady lumps
to post on his Facebook page? Because we need rescuing, too.)

FRIDAY, AUGUST 14 Alas, not all celebs can be unbelievably
dreamy—as one doddering troubadour is more than happy to prove!
“Bob Dylan was detained by police in Long Branch, New Jersey,
last month, when a young officer failed to recognize him,” ABC News
reports, noting that when some Jersey homeowners saw an
“eccentric-looking old man” wandering around in their yard in the
pouring rain, they called the police. Officer Kristie
Buble—who’s 24 years old, and has the most adorable name
ever—responded to the call. “I asked him what his name was
and he said, ‘Bob Dylan,'” Buble said. “Now, I’ve seen pictures of Bob
Dylan from a long time ago and he didn’t look like Bob Dylan to me at
all. He was wearing black sweatpants tucked into black rain
boots, and two raincoats with the hood pulled down over his
head.” Buble decided to humor the crazy old coot. “So I said, ‘Okay
Bob, what are you doing in Long Branch?’ He said he was touring the
country with Willie Nelson and John Mellencamp. So now
I’m really a little fishy about his story,” Buble continued. “We see a
lot of people on our beat, and I wasn’t sure if he came from one of our
hospitals or something.” After driving the rambling bluehair to where
he claimed he was doing a show, Buble discovered he was, in fact,
Dylan—at which point he was released, once again free to
terrorize suburb dwellers.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 15 Eric Dane—better known as
“Dr. McSteamy” on Grey’s Anatomy—has a sex tape!
And it costars his semi-famous wife, Rebecca Gayheart, as well
as “beauty-queen-turned-Hollywood-madam Kari Ann Peniche.”
(“Peniche”? C’mon, Kari Ann. Tacky!) The footage features Dane,
Gayheart, and Peniche (ha!) lounging around naked in bed and in a
Jacuzzi, giving us all an inside look at what it’s like to
halfheartedly host a ménage-à-trois. (As if we
needed a reminder.) Most disturbingly, the trio doesn’t even have
sex, as pointed out by Gayheart and Dane’s huffy lawyer, Marty
Singer. “From what I’ve seen it’s a naked tape, not a sex tape,”
Singer grumbled when he called TMZ.com.
“At most, it’s three people maybe wanting to have sex.” Which is what
bewilders us—why play doctor with Dr. McSteamy if you aren’t
going to do anything?

SUNDAY, AUGUST 16 God, these naked celebrities will not
stop. Earlier this week, it was discovered that Channing
Tatum, the star of G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, got his
start as a male stripper. Calling himself “Chan Crawford,” Tatum
worked as a dancer at a Florida nightclub owned by a man named (wait
for it…) London Steele. “He was shy at first, but he really
knew how to work the stage,” Steele spilled to Us about Tatum’s
act—in which he often stripped down to a thong, writhed onstage,
and dry humped women in the audience. “The women went crazy for
him!” Thank you for your intel, Mr. Steele. Now, obvious jokes about
cobras aside, if you can just hire someone who we might actually
want to see naked—say, perhaps, a man who bravely fights
the Italian paparazzi?—we’ve got a Chanel tote that’s
crammed full of singles.