MONDAY, AUGUST 31 As for this Lady Gaga person… we’re not a big fan. While we’re sure she’s the “cat’s
pajamas” to the “now generation,” to us older folk Gaga is just another
retread in a long line of Björks and Madonnas circa
the ’80s. However, that doesn’t mean it’s okay to accuse her of having a penis. The current rumor du jour skipping around the
interwebs is accusing Lady Gaga of being a
hermaphrodite—primarily because of one unflattering
picture where the confluence of odd lighting and a wrinkled pant front
caused the illusion of a penile outline. (Happens to all of us from
time to time, and in our opinion is still superior to being caught
camel-toed.) Unfortunately the rumor will not be ignored, forcing Gaga
to comment on the imaginary penis to an Australian radio station, who
asked if she was offended by the speculation. “I’m not offended, my
vagina is offended,” Gaga replied. “I’m not embarrassed about
anything. I think more than anything, it’s society’s reaction to a
strong woman. The idea that we equate strength with men and a penis
is a symbol of male strength—it’s just what it is. But like I
said, I’m not offended at all, but my vagina might be a little bit
upset.” Good for you, Gaga! Our estimation of you has risen with the
strength and authority of a virile, veiny male penis. Now here’s a
tissue for your sad vaheena.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 1 For those who are sick of still hearing about
failed wannabe vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin—you
can partially thank almost son-in-law and the father of her grandchild
Levi Johnston for continuing to occasionally dole out scraps of
Palin family scandal. Self-proclaimed redneck Johnston gets the
interview treatment in this month’s Vanity Fair, and revealed two things of note: that Palin tried to convince Johnston
and daughter Bristol to let her adopt their baby to avoid the
public scandal of having a single teen mother in the family, and
secondly, Johnston is currently mulling over whether or not he should
pose nude for Playgirl. As for the first
revelation, NO DUH. At least she didn’t suggest putting the baby in a
bag and throwing it off a bridge, or shooting it with a high-powered
rifle from a hovering helicopter. However, as for getting nude for
Playgirl? Do it, Levi! Otherwise, how will we ever be
able to put aside those rumors of you being a hermaphrodite?
MEANWHILE… Also from the world of political failures, Cindy
McCain—the skeletal wifey of losing Republican presidential
nominee John McCain—granted an interview with
People magazine in which she compared her migraines to the torture experienced by a prisoner of
war… specifically her hubby. “Torture,” Cindy said to describe
her incredible suffering. “Being tied to a chair for four days. I can’t
imagine how unbearable that pain must have been—but yeah, I
can, because a migraine may come close.” Umm… so we’re thinking
that may be an unfair comparison. Migraines = being shot down over
Vietnam, bayoneted, beaten, and repeatedly tortured with a variety of
cruel tactics to extract information? No. Migraines = the experience of
living with someone like Cindy McCain? Yes.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 2 Apparently, we didn’t get the memo that this
was “idiotic interview week.” Today’s idiotic interview came courtesy
of (surprise!) Larry King who grilled—which is to say
lobbed softballs at—pop star/girlfriend abuser Chris
Brown. Wearing a baby blue sweater and bowtie (possibly to send the
message that one can be sensitive AND attempt to murder one’s
girlfriend), Brown attempted to rationalize his behavior. “Nobody
taught us how to love one another,” he said. “No one taught us a
book on how to control our emotions, our anger.” Nobody taught him? Oh,
so it’s society’s fault. Nice work, society! (Hey Chris, while we’re on
the topic, can you please return our old textbook Spouting an
Unbelievable Amount of Bullshit? Other celebs have been asking for
it.)

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 3 Absolutely nothing happened today
because Lindsay Lohan was sick. (For the love of god,
PLEASE get better soon!)

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 4 A whopping 71 days after he died, Michael
Jackson has been laid to rest. (Why the delay? Well, seeing as how
Jacko’s body was 97 percent plastic, it’s not like there
was any rush, was there?) Predictably enough, reports indicate the
funeral was just a teensy bit weird: In Los Angeles’ Forest Lawn
Memorial Park (where security’s tighter than Miley Cyrus’ chastity
belt), the singer’s brothers wore single white gloves and bore his
casket, on top of which Jackson’s children (11-year-old Paris,
12-year-old Prince Michael, and seven-year-old Blanket)
placed a “bejeweled crown.” Mourners included Elizabeth Taylor,
Macaulay Culkin, Lisa Marie Presley, Chris Tucker,
Corey Feldman, and the Reverend Al Sharpton, who was
classy enough to Twitter throughout the funeral. “I just spoke
at the conclusion of tributes,” Sharpton twatted. “Gladys knight sang her heart out. Now we prepare to lay him top rest.” A bit later
came his update: “MICHAEL JACKSON HAS BEENb LAID TO REST.”
Readers, please note how kind we are in not making fun of Al Sharpton’s
typos, due to the solemnity of the occasion. IN RELATED NEWS… Shortly after the mourners and paparazzi had dispersed, the undead
corpse of Michael Jackson popped up, let out a little “Yee-ow,”
moonwalked out of the mausoleum, shuffled across Hollyweird doing the
“Thriller dance,” and placed a classified ad in the LA
Weekly requesting a “Twitter typist” for his friend Al.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 5 “Early estimates put the cost of Sarah Palin‘s midterm resignation as Alaska governor at a
minimum of $40,000, not including a special legislative session
partly linked to her departure,” the Associated Press reports. That
$40,000 includes $14,100 for swearing in Palin’s replacement,
Governor Sean Parnell, and $3,328 to move Palin’s family
out of the governor’s mansion, but it doesn’t include
$100,000 Alaskans had to cough up for a special session “in
which lawmakers approved Palin’s pick to replace Parnell as lieutenant
governor and overrode her veto of federal stimulus funds intended for
energy efficiency projects.” So once again, on behalf of all
Alaskans—thanks, Sarah! (Did they forget to add how much she’s
taken from our souls?)

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 6 “I took a lot of abuse from her. I was put
down,” whines Jon Gosselin of Jon & Kate Plus Eight,
bemoaning his recent divorce from Kate Gosselin in an interview.
“I’m taking care of the kids,” he mumbles. “She’s on book tours, she’s
doing all these things.” IN RELATED NEWS… A “family day” for
the beleaguered Jon Gosselin, his children, and two generations’
worth of grandparents took a turn for the worse today when Jon’s
grandmother bravely attempted to commit suicide.
Dramatically throwing herself to the ground, the geriatric woman clawed
at her ears with her arthritic, liver-spotted hands, screeching, “Shut
up! Shut up shut up shut up! No one cares that you got married
to that fame-whore, spent however many thousands of dollars pumping her
full of fertility drugs, acted all shocked when an ungodly number of
demonspawn plopped out her vaheena, milked your situation for
millions on reality TV, and only then realized your
plastic-surgery nightmare of a wife is an attention-starved,
child-neglecting monster second only to Emperor Klaktu of Rigel
VII! I can’t take it anymore! Your family’s dead, soulless
eyes stare at me from every magazine cover and every news program
and every witty, insightful gossip column that runs in two-bit
alternative weekly newspapers! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
DEATH, I BEG FOR THY SWEET EMBRACE!” (Okay, maybe we exaggerated
a bit. But Jon’s grandmother did fall down today during “family
day.” Jon immediately tweeted, displaying a level of tact that’d make
even the funeral-twattin’ Al Sharpton proud. “She’ll be ok,” Jon wrote.
“Thanks for the concern! Kids had a good day though, some fun in the
pool before it gets too cold.” Oh, THANK GOD. We were so worried.)