One Day at a Time

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 14 What’s the best thing that’s ever
happened to no-name country singer Taylor Swift? Kanye
West! After leaping onstage at the VMAs to drunkenly (and
correctly) remind her that she will never… EVER… be
Beyoncé, Swift has become the poster girl for…oh, we
don’t know… skinny white girls who will never ever be Beyoncé?
Regardless, Kanye is currently PUBLIC ENEMY #1, and being
shit-talked by everyone on the planet, including no less than
two presidents. Not only did Barack Obama label him “a
jackass” in an off-the-record comment, but former President
Jimmy Carter also took a swipe at the rapper, calling his behavior
“completely uncalled for” and that his punishment was “to appear on
the new Jay Leno show.” Geez, Jimmy. That’s a harsh punishment even
by Singapore standards. And yet? That’s exactly what happened. On the
debut episode of The Jay Leno Show, when the thick-chinned host
asked Kanye what his dead mom would’ve thought about his
behavior (stay classy, Jay!), West responded, “I need to take some time
off and just analyze how I’m going to make it through the rest of my
life….” Umm… you got drunk, jumped onstage, and insulted a
no-name twink, Kayne—you’re not exactly Bernie Madoff!
(Can you please just go back to blogging how great you are, in all
caps?) MEANWHILE! Rest in peace, actor/dancer/dreamboat
Patrick Swayze, who passed away today at age 57, after a
brave battle against pancreatic cancer. While much beloved for his
performances in such cheese-tastic flicks as Dirty Dancing,
Ghost, and our favorite, Skatetown U.S.A., Patrick was an
actor who wasn’t afraid to exhibit his masculine and feminine side: He
could teach Baby the mambo in one movie, and drink deer blood with
C. Thomas Howell in the next. That’s a real man in our book. See
you in the next life, Patrick. When we arrive, we hope you’ll help keep
us out of the corner.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 15 On the other hand, there are certain
interrupters who should be more sorry, and aren’t. Though he may have
apologized to the president for squealing “You lie!” at last
week’s joint session of congress, Republican Representative Joe
Wilson still refuses to say he was sorry for embarrassing
everyone else in attendance—hence a formal “resolution of
disapproval” was passed today against Wilson in the house. What’s a
“resolution of disapproval”? It’s something between a very stern finger
wag and a “tsk, tsk, tsk” that will go down on Wilson’s permanent
record. Of course, Wilson—being the racist fucking crybaby he
is—expressed his disapproval of the house’s disapproval. “When we
are done here today, we will not have taken any further steps toward
helping the nation deal with urgent challenges,” the big racist fucking
crybaby wailed to his colleagues. “It is time that we move
forward, get back to work for the American people, and—”REP.
WILSON, YOU LIE! (Actually, we don’t know if he’s lying or not, we just
thought it would be fun to interrupt. Can you send us our “resolution
of disapproval” via email?)

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 16 Jessica Simpson’s dog got eaten by
a coyote, you guys! Oh… hold on. As of this time we’re not 100
percent certain Jess’ five-year-old Maltipoo Daisy has actually
been eaten yet. The news comes via America’s favorite source for the
dissemination of life-changing news and information, TWATTER! “A coyote
took my precious Daisy right in front of our eyes,” Jess twatted.
“HORROR! We are searching. Hoping. Please help.” A source tells
TMZ.com that Jessica is “still clinging
to hope, because Daisy is ‘fast’… and may have seized an opportunity
to bolt from her captor.” Jess has also employed the services of a lost
dog service called FindToto.com (stop laughing, please),
which “power dials 1,000 of Jessica’s closest neighbors to alert them
of Simpson’s situation.” What? No National Guard? And not to be
cynical, but we think there’s a strong chance Daisy paid the coyote to
“kidnap” her, just so she wouldn’t have to spend another second with
this lonely blonde bimbo. Or she was eaten. One of the two.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 17 Great, just what the world needs: more sexpot
nannies. Nanny Stephanie Santoro has confessed to In
Touch magazine that she had sex with boss Jon Gosselin (of
Jon & Kate Plus Eight) a grand total of nine
times—despite Jon’s previous denials. According to Steph, Jon
requested a massage (EW!) and then lured her into his hot
tub (EW! EW!). After checking to make sure the kids were asleep,
Jon allegedly led Steph to the apartment above their garage where the
first of nine porkings took place. (Whoops, almost forgot…
EWWWW!) Steph went on to tell the magazine that sex with Jon “wasn’t
terrible, but it wasn’t the best I ever had.” Cheer up, Jon. You
still have the hot tub where you can drown your sorrows (and
yourself).

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 18 “I’ve been given the gift of gab, so why not
use it?” Kate Gosselin ominously threatened to the Charlotte
Observer yesterday—confirming the terrifying rumors that the
reality TV harpy is angling to get her own talk show. We can
only hope it’ll be called How to Neglect Your Children for Fun and
Profit, and that it’ll be co-hosted by Britney Spears,
Nicole Richie, Joe Jackson, and that screeching woman who
sat behind ourselves and Hubby Kip at Jennifer’s Body with her chubby nine-year-old daughter, whose name was, believe it or
not, “Ree-Ree.” Put those parents on a show together where they
could collectively offer wisdom? Ratings gold, people. Gold.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 19 Speaking of terrible parents, Courtney
Love was caught with her pants down in New York this weekend, “when
a guest at a party at the Standard Hotel opened an unlocked bathroom
door and saw her on the toilet with her skirt around her
ankles.” The New York Post interviewed the unwitting
intruder—a pharmacist named Sebastian Karnaby—and,
shockingly, his first words weren’t “MY EYES MY EYES, IT BURNS IT
BURNS.” “She jumped on me, went crazy, and dragged me over to security
by the arm claiming I’d attacked her,” Karnaby recalled. “They were
trying to calm her down, but she was out of control. She was like a
possessed woman.” Karnaby continued, “I never wanted to see
Courtney Love on the toilet. It wasn’t a pretty sight.” Godspeed,
Pharmacist Karnaby. Godspeed. MEANWHILE… “After losing her
beloved Maltipoo Daisy to a coyote attack, Jessica Simpson may
be at the lowest point of her life,” reports Us. “It’s going to
put her into a tailspin. It will put her into the worst place ever,” a
source told the rag, adding that Simpson has been refusing to leave her
parents’ house. “Daisy was perhaps one of the most pampered pets in
Hollywood,” Us continues. “Simpson fed Daisy steak, not dog
food, and referred to herself as ‘Daisy’s Mommy‘… She threw
Daisy birthday parties, and when she talked about having a ‘girls’
night in‘ with a video, she was talking about herself and Daisy.”
When having relationship problems, Simpson “would cry herself to sleep
at night, using Daisy as a pillow,” another source told
Us, and—in what now seems appears to be the understatement
of the millennium—one of Simpson’s friends explained, “Jessica
has a very small inner circle.” Mm-hmm. You don’t say.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 20 So… what’s David Hasselhoff been up
to? Oh, you know, same old, same old: Freaking out his daughter by
gettin’ soused. Hasselhoff’s 17-year-old, Hayley, called her
mother, Pamela, today, reporting that the Hoff was “extremely
drunk,” according to TMZ.com. After one
of Pamela’s friends called 911, the Hoff was taken to a
hospital—just like last May, when he was hospitalized for alcohol
poisoning! But wait! Hasselhoff’s people insist that’s all a
lie—according to them, the Hoff was merely being treated
for an ear infection. IN A RELATED STORY… Bullshit.