One Day at a Time

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 28 Hope you brought your swimsuit, because you’re
about to be waterboarded with the latest juicy gab from Gossipville!
Unbelievable as it may sound, the somewhat less obnoxious member of
Jon & Kate Plus Eight—that would be
hubby/doughboy Jon Gosselin—is finding himself on the
losing side of his divorce battle with wife/harpy Kate Gosselin.
It was revealed today that TLC—the network that broadcasts their
show—is giving Jon the heave-ho, and renaming the program
Kate Plus Eight. A lip-slippy source tells People, “Given
Jon’s recent antics [like dating a spate of unattractive
slut-bags, including his kids’ nanny], there was no way the show
could continue to portray him as a doting dad—not while all this
other crap [another reference to the slut-bags] was going on.” However,
Jon’s not going down without a fight! Momentarily removing his penis
from his harem of slut-bags, Jon has slammed the brakes on his
divorce to Kate! Team Jon submitted a motion this morning to
suspend divorce proceedings for 90 days, telling In Touch weekly that Jon had “used poor judgment in publicly socializing with
other women [the previously mentioned slut-bags] so soon,” and would
“like to get back with Kate as a partner in parenting.” However,
a source tells E! News that the motion was “not an emotional or
romantic decision” at all, but actually a sneaky “legal and PR
strategy” designed to get back on the show, and ensure he doesn’t get
completely screwed over in the divorce. YOU DON’T SAY. Since any judge
would have to be pretty thick to buy that load of baloney, we think Jon
should go ahead with the divorce and pitch a new show of his own:
Jon Minus Kate Plus an Unconfirmed Number of Slutbags. MEANWHILE… In other TV news, on the season premiere of
Saturday Night Live, new cast member Jenny Slate accidentally said “the f-word.” Oh, FUCK!!!

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 29 In an ickily related story, apparently there’s
a show on television entitled So You Think You Can Dance,
and in tonight’s episode, a contestant allegedly flashed her
vaheena. Apparently the contestant was in the middle of her
audition when her vaheena suddenly decided to be just like Leroy
Johnson in Fame and steal the show. Head judge, executive
producer, and weird British person Nigel Lythgoe claims not to
have noticed the genitalia’s debut, saying, “None of us knew she did
this. The show was always designed to expose talent, but not in this
way.” Dear Nigel: Quotes like that are why regular people hate
British people. However, after a quick chat with the network’s
standards and practices department, Nigel decided to update his glib
remark, claiming that after intense scrutiny of the vaheena in
question, the vaheena was not a vaheena at all, but in fact, “It is
a crease in the young lady’s panties.” Dear Nigel: Quotes like that
are why regular people think British people are pervert people.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 30 Oh, sweet lord in heaven… can it be true?
Us magazine reports the best news we’ve heard since Walgreens
had a two-for-one sale on Jolen Bleaching Cream: Justin Timberlake
and Jessica Biel are SPLITSVILLE! Now, do not mistake us for a
minute—we shall always owe our complete and utter devotion to
George Clooney (stop tsk-tsking… Hubby Kip knew this
before we were married). However, if George were to be suspiciously
murdered while in the sinewy clutches of that admittedly gorgeous whore
Elisabetta Canalis, then what choice would we have but to turn
our slightly creepy affections toward JT? THIS JUST IN… Internet gossip sites are suddenly postulating that Justin has already
set his sights on a new gal-pal, sultry pop siren Rihanna!
(Girl, you need to back up off our Justin. We make Chris Brown look like an asthmatic Girl Scout.)

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 1 “I’m glad you folks are here tonight, and I’m
glad you’re in such a pleasant mood, because I have a little story that
I would like to tell you,” David Letterman told his surprised
studio audience on tonight’s Late Show. Letterman then recalled
the events of the past three weeks, in which 48 Hours producer
Joel Halderman allegedly attempted to blackmail him for $2
million, claiming he had evidence of Letterman cheating on his
longtime girlfriend—now his wife—by sleeping with Late
Show employees, including one of Halderman’s ex-girlfriends.
Halderman’s plan backfired, though, when Letterman turned Halderman in
to the cops and then confessed on the air. “I have had
sex with women who worked on this show,” Letterman said in his earnest,
funny, and awkward admission. “It’s been a very bizarre experience,” he
said. “I feel like I need to protect these people, I feel like I need
to protect my family, I need to protect myself, I hope to protect my
job, and the friends, [and] everybody that has been very supportive
through this, and I don’t plan to say much more about this particular
topic.” (Okay, maybe this isn’t the best time to admit this, but aside
from George and Justin? We would totally do Dave.
If the Merc ever goes under, we’ll be applying at the Late
Show.)

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 2 We know it’s yesterday’s news and all, but
still—the way Dave handled his scandal? Classy, people.
Classy. Roman Polanski, on the other hand? Creepy,
people. Creepy. Since last week, when he was finally arrested
for drugging and sodomizing a 13-year-old in 1977, Polanski’s
been flooded with bewildering support from France and Hollywood. A
petition begging for Polanski’s release, started by France’s
Société des Auteurs et Compositeurs Dramatiques (can somebody sound that out? Aside from “escargot” and “Coco Chanel,”
it all looks the same to us), has been signed by a whole lot of people
who should know a whole lot better, including Wes Anderson,
Martin Scorsese, David Lynch, Terry Gilliam,
Pedro Almodóvar, Guillermo del Toro, Gael
García Bernal, Alfonso Cuarón, Darren
Aronofsky, Tilda Swinton, Penélope Cruz,
Wong Kar-wai, and (quelle surprise!) Woody Allen.
Meanwhile, another petition—this one from the journal
La Règle du jeu—claimed Polanski should be released
because he’s “Seventy-six years old, a survivor of Nazism, and of
Stalinist persecutions in Poland,” and, besides, why should he be
accountable for “deeds which would be beyond the statute-of-limitations
in Europe”? This petition was signed by Milan Kundera,
Isabelle Huppert, Sam Mendes, Neil Jordan,
Steven Soderbergh, Mike Nichols, and Salman
Rushdie. UGH. Just… ugh. Dear everyone who signed these
petitions: You’re confused about who the victim in this case is.
(Hint: It’s not Chimo McPedophile.)

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 3 “Senior staff members of the United Nations
nuclear agency have concluded in a confidential analysis that
Iran has acquired ‘sufficient information to be able to design
and produce a workable’ atom bomb,” the New York Times reported today. MEANWHILE… Uh-oh.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 4 Remember on Monday, when Jon Gosselin was
acting all mopey and contrite? Wellllll… being mopey and contrite
wasn’t all he was doing! Says RadarOnline.com, Jon “appeared on
Larry King Live last week with his lawyer Mark Heller and
said he had an epiphany, adding: ‘I want Kate and I to mediate. I want
us to become friends.’ But within hours of uttering those words, Jon
was withdrawing several hundred thousand dollars from his joint
bank account with Kate without her knowledge, leaving his estranged
wife with only $1,000.” MEANWHILE… Whew. Rough
week! This week, in fact, has more or less decimated the teensy-tiny
shred of faith we had in humanity to begin with, and as you well know,
there’s only one fix for that: We’re gonna make Hubby Kip shake
us up a martini, and we’re gonna kick off these heels, we’re gonna
watch some True Blood, and, if all goes according to plan, in a
few hours we’ll forget we ever heard the words “Polanski,”
“Gosselin,” and “a crease in the young lady’s panties.”
We encourage you to do the same, dears. Godspeed.