One Day at a Time

Dears! Last week, we ran down the runners-up for our annual “award” of the Absolute Worst Person or Thing in the World for 2015 Ever —a list that included such contenders as Donald Trump, Kim Davis, Johnny Depp’s dumb little novelty dogs, and America’s gun nuts! But all of them were just appetizers for the horrible main course… the ACTUAL Absolute Worst Person or Thing in the World for 2015 Ever! Brace yourselves, dears. For—like a storm cloud on the horizon, like blood in your stool—here comes Gwyneth.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 29

Gwyneth Paltrow thinks you should steam your vagina. In an article from her stupid lifestyle site Goop, Gwynnie suggests going to a fancy Korean spa in Santa Monica, where “a combination of infrared and mugwort steam cleanses your uterus, et al.,” she explains. “It is an energetic release—not just a steam douche—that balances female hormone levels. If you’re in LA, you have to do it.” FUCK YOU, GWYNETH. In the interest of goddamned common sense, OB/GYN Dr. Jen Gunter shoved some knowledge into Gwyneth’s goddamned empty head. “Steam is probably not good for your vagina,” she pointed out. “Herbal steam is no better and quite possibly worse. It is most definitely more expensive… if you want to relax your vagina, have an orgasm.”

THURSDAY, MARCH 19

Today Gwyneth actually said this out loud to CNN: “I’m incredibly close to the common woman, in that I’m a woman and I’m a mother and we all are in a physical body with beating hearts.” Then she walked away to run a few “common woman” errands, such as picking out a new spring wardrobe (that only cost $450,000), which she’ll wear while meeting the Dalai Lama, and afterward, if she has time, maybe drop by a spa to get her vagina steamed. You know…. “common woman things.”

FRIDAY, APRIL 3

In her continuing quest to make Planet Earth utterly uninhabitable for the rest of us, Gwynnie has purchased the Hustler Hollywood store on the Sunset Strip—and according to TMZ, plans to tear it down and turn it into an LA branch of London and Aspen’s “Arts Clubs.” And yes, it’s as horrible and pretentious as it sounds: TMZ writes that the London location boasts “a fancy restaurant, a nightclub/lounge, and artsy stuff like poetry readings.” But wait. “The club prohibits swearing. You can’t bet inside, but you can play backgammon, but only if there are no stakes. Of course, there’s a strict dress code.” How much does all this no-holds-barred backgammon and poetry cost? Well, in London, it’s a mere $2,000 to join—and then $2,000 a year to maintain your membership. Gwynnie’s version, TMZ notes, “promises to be way more expensive.”

SATURDAY, APRIL 11

This week the world’s worst person, Gwyneth Paltrow, vowed to take celebrity chef Mario Batali’s #FoodBankNYCChallenge, which encourages participants to replicate the experience of living on food stamps by using “$29 per person for all your food for seven days.” “Good for Paltrow. We’ll see how she fares,” wrote Donna Freydkin at USA Today, after pointing out that Goop featured a spring guide to coats that included “a Monique Lhuillier bomber jacket that costs a meager $2,295″ and that Paltrow likes to casually say things like, “As a home cook, one of the best things I’ve ever done was to build a wood-burning oven in the backyard.” But maybe we’re being too hard on Gwynnie! Maybe this will be a great learning experience for her, and maybe she’ll discover what life’s like for everyday Americans who aren’t filthy rich. Maybe this isn’t a pathetic, self-aggrandizing stunt. Maybe… just maybe… this will make Gwyneth Paltrow a better, less obliviously privileged, less sanctimoniously obnoxious person. Let’s give her a shot, dears. Let’s see how she does!

THURSDAY, APRIL 16

Gwyneth Paltrow is the fucking worst. At first she seemed excited about the #FoodBankNYCChallenge, tweeting out pics of various veggies, rice, and eggs she bought for $29 at the store. (Or rather, her beleaguered assistant bought.) SO. How did she do? About how you’d expect. People spotted her this week dining “at LA restaurant Animal, which featured a menu of pig ears, veal tongue, and fried rabbit legs.” Gwynnie later admitted she gave up the challenge after four days, noting, “how difficult it was to eat wholesome, nutritious foods on that budget” and adding her lack of effort probably earned her a “C minus.” Gwyneth, dear. A “C minus” is a passing grade. There’s no grade low enough to convey the depth of your failure.

MONDAY, MAY 18

This week, GwynPal was interviewed by Women’s Health magazine—and once again revealed just how gosh-darn relatable she is to common, plebeian gals like ourselves. For example, here’s what she had to say about her daily beauty regimen: “I believe, as cheesy as it sounds, in exercise, laughing, having sex, being yourself.” (Strangely, this advice directly contradicts the beauty regimen she suggests on Goop, which includes stuff normal people like you can purchase the next time we’re visiting a pharmacy in France—like Thermal Spring Water facial spray, or Avibon wrinkle cream, which is only $39 per tiny, tiny tube.) And while Gwyneth has strictly forbidden her former hubby Chris Martin and poorly named children Apple and Moses from ingesting any gluten, she apparently isn’t as hard-nosed when it comes to other food staples… such as radioactive cherries. “My food philosophy is: Nothing should be ruled out,” Gwyneth cheerily lied. “I don’t believe in saying, ‘You’re not allowed that.’ If my kids want a Shirley Temple with the radioactive cherry in it, go for it, you know?” (Cut to Gwyneth slapping the Shirley Temple out of her children’s hands and filling their BPA-free sippy cups with leek and celery root soup.)

THURSDAY, JUNE 11

According to Radar Online, Gwynnie has planned her family’s weeklong vacation in Hawaii… which sounds great, except she’s forcing boyfriend Brad Falchuk to come along, as well as ex-hubby Chris Martin, AND his current gal pal, Jennifer Lawrence. Why? Because according to an inside source, “Gwyneth recognizes it’s time for Jen to meet the whole family, and wants Chris to be there for Brad’s first proper bonding experience with the children.” In other words, no one really has any choice in the matter. “Poor Jen is dreading it,” added the source. “Chris is still spellbound by Gwyneth and her rules, so he’s insisting on it.” Jennifer, a word of advice: Take a page out of ex-Scientologist Katie Holmes‘ book and RUN FOR YOUR LIFE.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 11

Okay, even we need a break from Gwynnie for a minute. Time for an ~~~ Anne Hathaway interlude ~~~, dears! “Hathaway was on the Paramount lot last week shooting a Japanese commercial when she ordered breakfast—a poached egg, along with an English muffin and avocado,” TMZ reports. And then? Hathaway sent her food back four times. The first try? “Poached egg too runny,” TMZ notes. The second try? “English muffin was cold because it sat while egg #2 was being poached.” Third? “Egg #2 cold because it sat while chef toasted muffin #2.” Fourth? “Egg, muffin, and avocado were perfect, but it took so long she decided she was in the mood for a fried egg.” (Keep it up, Anne! Once you start acting like this 365 days a year, you’ll give Paltrow a run for her money.)

MONDAY, OCTOBER 19

Someone might need to remind Gwyneth Paltrow that she isn’t a doctor—unless they’re now awarding doctorates in idiocy. As you know, Gwynnie has a well-documented past of pushing woo-woo healing methods on ladies of a certain income bracket, such as steaming your vagina, and claims that sitting in a sauna can cure the flu. (Note: Science called and said, “It doesn’t.”) Now Gwyneth’s getting hammered for posting a Goopy article about… how underwire bras cause cancer? The Goop post by Dr. Habib Sadeghi quoted a widely debunked book that claimed tight bras increase boob temperature (leading to hormone malfunction), and that the underwire found in certain bras magnify WiFi and cell phone signals, which can also cause breast cancer. (Let’s pause for a moment to gather up our eyeballs, which rolled out of our head and underneath the couch.) On behalf of all women, Gwynnie, please STFU. And we also won’t be buying the $80 underwire bra you have for sale on Goop—unless maybe it actually does increase WiFi reception?