One Day at a Time

MONDAY, OCTOBER 12 Put the ethical-thinking portion of
your brain on red alert—here comes the most stinking scoop of the
week from Hollyweird! Remember that soulful (yet funny) public
apology David Letterman made last Monday after earlier
admitting he had slept with staff members behind the back of
wife Regina Lasko? Well according to lippy pals, Lasko has
hereby deemed the televised apology “insufficient!” Fox News reports
that last Monday’s mea culpa was something Letterman had no intention
of doing, but according to a snoop close to Lasko, “Regina told him
he better make an apology to let everyone know how sorry he was
for how much he hurt and humiliated her.” The snoop also says that
Letterman would be allowed “one or two jokes as long as they
weren’t at her expense.” However, tonight when Letterman threw in a
couple more wisecracks than was previously agreed upon, Lasko got all
fumey! “Regina felt like Dave’s humorous take on the apology lessened
the sincerity of it, and she’s not happy at all,” said the
source. Dear married men: There’s a reason the phrase goes, “Cheaters
never win.”

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 13 Here’s the story of a special kind of
Portland love. The Oregonian reports of a local man who not
only got physical with his ex-gal pal when she refused to get back
together with him—but he also stabbed her pet fish. Court
records say that Sarah Harris came home to find ex-boyfriend Donald
Earl Fite III lying on her bed (ew), and begging to get back
together. When she refused, Fite knocked her around the apartment
before Harris made her escape. Returning later with a police officer,
they found Harris’ Betta fish “Delorean” stuck to the wood floor
with a knife through its belly. According to police, Fite
quickly admitted to murdering Delorean, telling them, “If she can’t
have me, then she can’t have the fish.” After pleading guilty today to
animal abuse and domestic violence assault, the judge ordered Fite to
stay away from Harris, but—and we’re not making this up—he
could still have contact with fish. Think that’s unfair? Just wait
until the next time Fite goes swimming in a lake, or eats in a seafood
restaurant where there are tanks filled with live fish, crab, and eels.
Then he’ll learn what “fish justice” really means.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 14 Have you ever been diagnosed with an
“incurable” sexually transmitted disease, and then a scientific
breakthrough suddenly renders the disease curable? That’s how we felt
today after learning that after next month, Jon & Kate
Plus Eight will be going off the air… forever! After
months of very public bickering, Jon took a break from dating a litany
of bimbos to grow a conscience and decided that the reality show was
doing irreparable harm to his children. (Coincidentally, Jon
received this epiphany AFTER he was kicked off the program—so
make of that what you will.) But don’t worry, lovers of domestic mental
abuse! We still have months of juicy legal wrangling, court cases, and
the eventual heartrending custody battle. It’ll be like watching your
parents divorce all over again! (Except this time, you won’t be carving
“I hate Mommy and Daddy” into your thigh.)

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 15 Omigod, you guys! According to this
blaring headline from Us Weekly: “Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer: They’re Back On!” Do you realize what this
means? We can finally dust off our Roget’s Thesaurus (Special Horse
Synonym and Antonym Edition), and spend thousands of column inches on
Aniston’s horselike face and John’s horselike phallus, and… and…
CRAP!! THIS JUST IN! Multiple news outlets are reporting that a
homemade weather balloon has escaped over Colorado with a
six-year-old boy trapped inside! (Okay, so maybe this is
slightly more important than Jen and John. Whinney.) According
to still breaking reports, the child is six-year-old Falcon
Heene whose parents are “weather-chasing and extraterrestrial
enthusiasts” (whaaaa?) and have been featured on the ABC reality show
Wife Swap (WHAAA?). Law enforcement officials are
frantically searching… wait. THIS JUST IN! The balloon has
landed—without the boy inside! Several spectators swear
they saw something fall from the balloon, sending officials and search
helicopters on a mad… hold on. THIS JUST IN! Six-year-old
Falcon has been found, hiding inside a box in the attic of his
parents’ garage! OH, THANK GOD! The poor parents must have been simply
frantic with worry—but now that their beloved son has been
recovered, they can… just a second. THIS JUST IN! During a
live Larry King interview, when the boy was asked by his father why he
didn’t respond when they were calling for him, Falcon responded,
“You had said we did this for a show.” THIS JUST IN! WHAT…
THE… FUCK????

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 16 Today Falcon Heene, the six-year-old who
was ostensibly trapped in a balloon 7,000 feet above the ground,
threw up. Twice. On national television. His first hurl was on
Today; as Falcon sat on the lap of his father, Richard, host
Meredith Vieira asked the Heenes if the whole thing had been a
hoax. An indignant Richard insisted it wasn’t—at which
point, Falcon asked his mother for a bowl, which he promptly blew
chunks into. THEN… A few hours later, over on ABC, Falcon was
questioned about his fishy “we did this for the show” comment—at
which point, right on cue, the poor kid vomited again.
(Thankfully, it was off-camera this time, though his horking sounds
were clearly audible). Hmm. We hate to say it, but something
about this seems… off, somehow, y’know? MEANWHILE… “Another trend about health right now is doing colonics!”
Tyra Banks proclaimed on her talk show today, once again
reminding everyone of her profound mental disabilities. “I know that
some people are like, ‘What’s a colonic?‘” the air-headed Banks
continued. “A colonic is when you stick this, like, tube in your
booty? And um, they suck the poo out of you. So it’s like
the opposite of diarrhea, okay? [Yes, yes… that makes no sense.
And yet? There’s more.] And guess what?” Tyra giggled. “We’re about
to do a colonic, live, on television, right now!” We hereby declare
today, October 16, 2009, as the grossest day in television
history.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 17 As previously mentioned, the balloon
boy’s family appeared on Wife Swap, where, according to the
New York Times, Richard Heene “was portrayed as erratic, at one
point throwing a glass of milk on a participant on the program.”
And—what a coincidence!—”The producers of Wife Swap in a statement said they had been working with the family on developing
a show but weren’t anymore.” Huh. That seems weird.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 18 “It has been determined that this is a
hoax, and that it was a publicity stunt,” said Colorado
Sheriff Jim Alderden today about all that balloon boy nonsense.
“The [family’s] plan was to launch the spacecraft for a reality TV
show. The plan was to create a situation where it appeared that Falcon
was in the craft to gain publicity… for a television show,” the
pissed-off Alderden said, adding that charges would be most definitely
pressed against the attention-lovin’ family. So… what next? The
Times says, “The most serious charges are felonies and carry a
maximum sentence of six years in prison and a $500,000
fine. Alderden said they would be seeking restitution for the costs
[of the effort to rescue Falcon], though he didn’t have an estimate.
The cost for just the two military helicopters [that trailed the
balloon] was about $14,500.” SO… Listen up, TLC! All that
money you’re saving by canceling Jon & Kate Plus Eight? Pay
off the Heenes’ fines, and give ’em (and us) the reality show they (and
we) so desperately want! How about this: Jon & the Octomom Plus
17 (if You Include the Balloon Boy).