MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 12
Is Hillary Clinton DYING? Is Hillary Clinton ALREADY DEAD and has she been REPLACED by a BODY DOUBLE? Or is she a LIZARD PERSON? Can someone get Mulder and Scully on this, please? OKAY, HOLD ON… Let’s backtrack a bit, dears. (Hi! Welcome to One Day at a Time, btw!) Yesterday, Hillary Clinton abruptly left a 9/11 memorial service—and as she left, video footage caught her teetering, stumbling, flailing, and looking… well, like any teetering, stumbling, flailing grandmother looks. But because the world is a terrible place, the internet exploded with conspiracy theories—some of them nudged along by seeping shitpile Donald J. Trump—that ranged from Clinton having been replaced with a body double to Clinton being a lizard person. (Hi! Welcome to political discourse in 2016, btw!) By the time Clinton’s campaign belatedly admitted the candidate had pneumonia, the impression was solidified that she might not be fit to teeter, stumble, and flail her way into the White House. NOW, FIRST THINGS FIRST: There’s no way around the fact both Clinton and Trump are ollllld—at 68 and 70, they’re the oldest American presidential candidates in history. There’s also no way around the fact both candidates have been entirely too secretive about their (decrepit) health. BUT MOVING ON: Watching everyone pounce on Clinton was creepy, gross, and sexist. That kind of gawping and rumormongering is expected from Trump—the rest of us can do better. MEANWHILE… “Ann, I couldn’t agree more, but I think you’re missing something important,” Fox Mulder said, calling from his basement office in Nerdtown, USA. “Ann, have you really looked at the evidence she might be a lizard person, more formally known as a Reptilian? Without an investigation, we simply can’t rule out any possibility, as incredulous as it may initially sound. We don’t know how high up this goes, an—” MOVING ON, AGAIN.
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 13
Throughout modern history, everyone from leaders to social workers to the United Nations have tried to stop starvation. All have failed. Luckily, our planet’s ongoing hunger crisis will soon be a thing of the past! “Reigning Queen of Attention Miley Cyrus will no longer do red carpets as long as people on Planet Earth are starving,” notes Stereogum, citing a Cyrus interview in Elle for details. “I will never do a red carpet again,” Cyrus explained. “Why, when people are starving, am I on a carpet that’s red? Because I’m ‘important’? Because I’m ‘famous’? That’s not how I roll. It’s like a skit—it’s like Zoolander.” Quick—somebody email Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon at the UN! Looks like we’ve got this problem solved. Thanks, Miley! No thanks to you, carpets that are red!
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 14
It might not be as big of a problem as world hunger is (sorry—as big of a problem as world hunger was), but Nelly’s having a rough time! The “Hot in Herre” maestro reportedly owes more than $2.4 million in back taxes. Luckily, Spin had a novel idea about how we can all save Nelly: If we listen to a bunch of Nelly songs on Spotify, that’ll make him some money, right? “The Swedish company recently said that the payout for artists ‘per stream’ lands between $0.006 and $0.0084,” Spin noted. “At the bare minimum, you’ll have to stream a Nelly joint 402,880,500 times to make a decent dent on his tax issues.” Thus let it be done, declared Nelly’s fans, who started streaming Nelly jams ASAP—using the hashtags #SaveNelly and #HotInHerreStreamingParty to advance their noble cause. We tried to help out, and got about halfway through “Country Grammar” before getting distracted by a page on Boing Boing called “Here Are 27 Photos of Sleeping Cats.” So #SaveNelly might have failed, but someone send him a link to Boing Boing to cheer him up! Those kitties are so sleepy!
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 15
So now that Taylor Swift has kicked the dreamy Tom Hiddleston to the curb (Still waiting for your call, Tom! Hmm. Hope our sexy pics aren’t going to the wrong number.), ready to place your bet on which Hollyweird hunk she’ll be emotionally destroying next? Sorry, betting has already closed, because according to In Touch, Tay-Tay has almost instantaneously set her laser gaze on (and Teflon talons into) no other than dreamboat beefstick Zac Efron. “Taylor and Zac have always been pretty flirty with each other,” an unnamed source cooed to the magazine. “[Taylor] reached out to Zac and told him that they should hang out and maybe go to dinner together, and he’s into it.” Well, we guess that confirms it: Zac Efron does not know how to read. Otherwise he would have known—thanks to article upon article in every tabloid and newspaper in the world—that one never… EVER… stares into the Gorgon’s eyes unless one wants to be turned into stone. Hmmmm… now that we mention it, a Tom Hiddleston statue does sound delicious….
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 16
Well it finally happened: Donald Trump has announced that he will no longer accuse President Obama of being born outside of the United States (AKA the “birther” conspiracy). Was he wrong about that? According to him: NO, NOT REALLY. He’s just not going to talk about it anymore—and in fact, he’s pissed that the idea was even brought up in the first place. Huh? What’s that? Who originally brought up the idea that Obama wasn’t born in this country? According to Trump, it was zombie reptilian Hillary Clinton OF COURSE, during her run against Obama in 2008. (You’ve already figured out that’s just another Trump bald-faced lie, and has been discounted by something known as THE HISTORICAL RECORD.) “Hillary Clinton and her campaign of 2008 started the birther controversy,” Trump forcefully/ignorantly said in his speech today. “I finished it.” He then quickly left the stage without answering a single question from reporters. However, the perfect ending to this story was supplied by Maggie Haberman and Alan Rappeport of the New York Times who wrote: “Not long after [Trump departed], the structure holding up the curtain that had provided a backdrop for his remarks collapsed, sending American flags toppling to the ground. No one was hurt.” PERFECT.
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 17
Care to be grossed out a bit more by Donald Trump? (Hey, in for a penny, in for a pound, right?) Trump appeared on an episode of Dr. Oz this week—but apparently something odd was edited out of the final broadcast. When daughter Ivanka Trump walked onto the set to join her father, Donald gave her a kiss. This inspired Dr. Oz to reply, “It’s nice to see a dad kiss his daughter.” Trump smiled at the audience and responded that he “kisses her every chance” he gets. Ew! Ew! Ew! Ewwwwwwwww! EW! This comes on the heels of a 2015 Rolling Stone article in which he described Ivanka as “really something, what a beauty. If I weren’t happily married and, ya know, her father.” Okay, EW! And then in 2006, when he appeared on The View and commented on his daughter possibly appearing in Playboy, saying, “…she does have a very nice figure. I’ve said if Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her.” EWWWWWWWWW. So, to the brave editor from Dr. Oz who cut out that scene—thank you for trying to protect the American public. We’re sorry we found out anyway.
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 18
Sooooooooo… former child actor Corey Feldman appeared on the Today show this week. To sing a heavy metal song. Dressed in a black hoodie and spandex. Backed by girls in bikinis wearing angel halos. And he danced. So is it a huge surprise to anyone that it didn’t go so well? “Corey Feldman is on the Today show and he looks like Lord Voldemort,” wrote one of the nicer people on Twitter. “And he’s doing the robot. Jesus, please fix it.” Trust us, it got a lot worse from there. This inspired Corey to film a tearful Facebook Live video in an attempt to shame the bullies—which was quickly taken down for obvious reasons. However, the audio portion of the video was saved, and here are the really good parts of Corey’s speech: “We just wanted to tell everybody that, like, it’s been really painful. We put ourselves out there and we did the best that we could. But we don’t deserve… these things that are said about us are awful. It was a song, okay? It wasn’t that weird. [Welllllll…—Ann] I don’t understand… it’s, like, not PC to, like say somebody is fat or somebody is white or somebody is black or somebody is yellow or green or if they have a short leg or if they have a missing finger. But it’s okay to bash Corey Feldman and the Angels?” Wait… wait. We can’t make fun of people who have missing fingers? Then who CAN we make fun of?!?