MONDAY, DECEMBER 5
This week’s off to a great start! By which we mean a horrible start! Sorry, everybody! The Pacific Northwest-based Boeing Company saw their stock nosedive today after Donald Trump—the professional asshole who is, bewilderingly, about to switch jobs and become an actual president—decided to go after them! “Boeing is building a brand new 747 Air Force One for future presidents, but costs are out of control, more than $4 billion,” Trump trolled. “Cancel order!” Given that there are far larger things for a president-elect to be worried about—like, oh, the fact that, as the Washington Post reports, the Pentagon “buried an internal study that exposed $125 billion in administrative waste”—some started wondering why the future leader of the free world was whining about a dumb airplane. “As it turns out, the Trump tweet may not have been unprompted,” the Post pointed out, noting that just before Trump’s tweet, the Chicago Tribune posted a story in which Boeing CEO Dennis Muilenberg criticized some of Trump’s campaign positions. Ah! Now we get it! So: Boeing’s CEO said something; Trump didn’t like it. So he cratered the company’s stock. Truly, we’re headed into a bright and prosperous era for all. THANKFULLY… If we can just squeak by until 2020, maybe we’ll be saved… by America’s favorite drunk uncle, Vice President Joe Biden! “I’m going to run in 2020,” Biden casually told reporters today in Washington, DC. “For what?” a reporter asked. “For president,” Biden replied, adding, “What the hell, man?” What the hell man indeed. Help us, Uncle Joe! You’re our only hope!
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 6
Sure, America’s heading down the tubes, but look on the upside: At least we aren’t the town of Kettering, adorably nestled in Northamptonshire, England—and, as it forevermore shall be known, the town that invited Lindsay Lohan to turn on their Christmas lights! Perhaps an explanation is in order. The invite came after Lohan called out Kettering during the Brexit vote, in which 61 percent of the town’s residents voted to leave the EU. “Sorry, but #KETTERING where are you?” LiLo tweeted. “Everyone knows where Kettering is,” huffily replied Philip Hollobone, Kettering’s huffy member of parliament! “It’s famous as the home of Weetabix breakfast cereal, Cheaney and Loakes shoes. And Kettering Town Football Club has scored more goals in the history of the FA cup than any other football team in the country.” Okay, Phil, settle down. (And sorry, but none of that helps clarify things.) Hollobone then invited Lohan to “switch on the town’s Christmas lights as gesture of goodwill”—and LiLo accepted! “Would be happy to light the Christmas tree,” she replied! Except, um… she forgot, and went to Bali instead. (Sure, Bali might not have Weetabix, but it’s definitely nicer than Kettering—and people know where it is.) “I think she should have kept her promise, but I didn’t really expect her to,” Kettering shop worker Anna Sye told the BBC. “I can think of many more interesting celebrities we could have had. I think George Clooney would have kept his promise.” He certainly would have, Anna! “It would have been nice for her to come—we don’t really get big celebrities coming here,” complained Kettering resident Chris Hamilton. “We had Jake Wood last year, but I wouldn’t mind meeting her.” Good point, Chris! And while we aren’t going to bother googling Jake Wood to find out who the hell he is, we will steal Anna’s idea: George Clooney is invited to decorate our Christmas tree anytime.
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 7
Meanwhile, Jennifer Lawrence has apologized to everyone one the internet! The apology came after Lawrence told a story on The Graham Norton Show about how, while filming a Hunger Games movie in Oahu, her wetsuit got so itchy that she ended up using ceremonial boulders to scratch… and “almost killed a man after shaking a boulder loose with her butt,” notes the Daily Mail. “Jennifer Lawrence is so ugly,” wrote @pettyblackgirl on Twitter. “She knew the rocks are sacred to their culture & went out of her way to disrespect it.” “Tbh jennifer lawrence scratching her ass on those rocks is a metaphor for white people recklessly shitting on foreign cultures,” said @bacallineed. The criticism got so loud that Lawrence took to Facebook. “From Jen, to the internet,” Lawrence wrote. “I meant absolutely no disrespect to the Hawaiian people. I really thought that I was being self deprecating about the fact that I was ‘the curse.’ but I understand the way it was perceived was not funny and I apologize if I offended anyone.” Hmm. As celebrity apologies go, we give that a B-. If she’d really meant it, she’d have flown everyone on the internet to Hawaii for a vacation! It’s not too late, Jen! (We’re happy to share a hotel room if price is an issue, dear! You have our number, and we have as many boxes of wine as can fit into the overhead bins on Hawaiian Air.)
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 8
Congratulations (we guess?) to 73-year-old rocker Mick Jagger, who somehow managed to impregnate his 29-year-old girlfriend Melanie Hamrick and now has a brand new baby boy—the eighth child he’s fathered. (So far the baby doesn’t have a name so Mick’s just calling him “You, with the bib.”) Mick’s other kids range in age from 17 to 45, and four are actually older than Hamrick—which must make Thanksgivings pretty interesting. While Mick has no plans to marry his young girlfriend, he intends to pay $150,000 a year in child support. (In about 10 seconds, Donald Trump will tweet, “$150,000 is too much to pay for one kid! SAD! Cancel order!”)
FRIDAY, DECEMBER 9
In other news of interest to grandparents, Brady Bunch star Susan Olsen has been fired from her talk radio gig for being a homophobic b-hole. Olsen, who your memaw will remember as Cindy Brady, co-hosted LA radio program Two Chicks Talkin’ Politics—a name that makes us want to murder the earth—and got into an on-air row with openly gay actor Leon Acord-Whiting, who later posted a Facebook message saying he’d never return because of Olsen’s extreme right-wing views. “It is wildly irresponsible for LA Talk Radio to allow a Trump fanatic to co-host one of their programs,” Acord-Whiting wrote. “Susan Olsen spreads outrageous misinformation and it is dangerous and unprofessional.” To further prove his point, he posted an alleged private message/run-on sentence from Olsen. “What a snake in the grass you are you lying piece of shit too cowardly to confront me in real life so you do it on Facebook,” Olsen allegedly wrote. “You are the biggest faggot ass in the world the biggest pussy! My dick is bigger than yours which ain’t saying much! Lying faggot!” Roughly 20 seconds later, Olsen’s employers gave her the ax, noting they wouldn’t be associated with anyone spewing hate speech. And neither will our 79-year-old memaw, Candace Buckley-Franklin, who had this reaction to the news. “I always knew Cindy Brady was a little asshole,” our grandmother barked. “She can go fuck herself. Oh, and honey? Can you pass Grandma her gin rickey and Pall Malls? There’s a dear.”
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 10
Speaking of “women of a certain age,” Madonna—who’s still kickin’ up controversy at age 58—accepted her Billboard Woman of the Year award yesterday, and gave the audience a mini-seminar on how women are treated in the recording industry. (Which is to say, poorly.) “To age is a sin,” she told the audience. “You will be criticized, you will be vilified, and you will definitely not be played on the radio.” She also referenced the sexism and misogyny that played out in this year’s election. “Women have been oppressed for so long,” she said, “they believe what men have to say about them. They believe they have to back a man to get the job done.” IN RELATED NEWS… This week Donald Trump was chosen as Time magazine’s “Person of the Year.” Let’s all chew on that for a moment.
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 11
Actually, Time should’ve given “Person of the Year” to Russian president Vladimir Putin. Why? “The CIA has concluded in a secret assessment that Russia intervened in the 2016 election to help Donald Trump win the presidency,” wrote the Washington Post regarding the agency’s discovery that Moscow was behind the pre-election DNC email leaks. Or to put a finer point on it, “Russia’s goal here was to favor one candidate over the other, to help Trump get elected,” according to a senior US official briefed on the intelligence. Naturally, Trump called the accusation “ridiculous”—even though he is clearly the most WILLFULLY IGNORANT CANDIDATE EVER ELECTED PRESIDENT. Or is he? In a not-so-coincidental move, Trump has nominated the outgoing CEO of Exxon Mobil, Rex Tillerson, to be his next Secretary of State—even though Tillerson has close business ties to Moscow, and according to the Wall Street Journal, “few US citizens are closer to Mr. Putin than Mr. Tillerson.” So maybe Time should replace Trump’s cover photo with Putin—because, unlike the rest of us, he got exactly what he wanted.