MONDAY, AUGUST 7
Welcome back to One Day at a Time, dears—where we dish out sordid gossip, chart the decay of civilization, and sometimes have news about puppies! Oh, and we also write about power-crazed idiots’ insane threats of nuclear war, because that’s the horrible world we live in now. “North Korea best not make any more threats to the United States,” Donald Trump, who lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes, said today from his golf club in Bedminster, New Jersey, where he’s on yet another vacation. “They will be met with fire and fury like the world has never seen.” And to be really sure everybody got his threat, Trump rambled on about North Korean leader Kim Jong-un. “He has been very threatening beyond a normal state,” Trump continued, “and as I said, they will be met with fire and fury, and frankly power the likes of which this world has never seen before.” If that frothing rhetoric sounds a bit familiar, welllll…. “It’s hard to think of a president using more extreme language during crisis like this before,” presidential historian Micheal Beschloss told the New York Times. “Presidents usually try to use language that is even more moderate than what they may be feeling in private, because they’ve always been worried that their language might escalate a crisis.” “This is a little bit more jingoistic, and it borrows a little bit from the tone of the North Koreans,” adds Peter Feaver, a former advisor to President George W. Bush. And as everyone in the world simultaneously googled “closest fallout shelter,” “how to build fallout shelter,” and “oh god oh god we’re all going to die,” there was, at least, one person who remained blissfully oblivious of the terrifying ignorance of Donald Trump. “For his part,” the New York Times reported, “Mr. Trump seemed pleased with the uproar caused by his remarks.”
TUESDAY, AUGUST 8
“Hey, wait!” you’re probably saying. “What’s all this about a third-rate despot threatening global annihilation? You said you were going to have news about puppies!” Right you are! Here you go! “Since Game of Thrones first aired in 2011, shelters and rescue groups across the country have experienced a spike in surrendered and abandoned huskies, husky mixes, and similar breeds,” reports Elizabeth Claire Alberts at animal lifestyle site the Dodo. “Many of the dogs are showing up [at shelters] with names from the show, such as Sansa, Stark, Ice, and Ghost.” Oh, we’re sorry—were you expecting happy puppy news? We don’t have any of that! All we have is even more evidence that Game of Thrones nerds are the worst—if they aren’t talking your head off about dragons, zombies, or incest, they’re abandoning their “direwolves.” Who would’ve guessed that grown adults who watch a show about dragons and gnomes might not be super responsible? MEANWHILE… “TOM CRUISE INJURED IN ‘MISSION IMPOSSIBLE’ STUNT,” reads TMZ’s headline, noting that Cruise, 55, was “in London Sunday when he attempted to leap from a rigging onto a building but he fell short of the mark and hit the building pretty hard.” For insight and opinion, we turn to Emperor Klaktu, Warlord of Rigel VII and Chief Spokesalien for Scientology and Tom Cruise! “FAKE NEWS! FAKE NEWS!” screeched Klaktu, his eye-stalks quivering with rage. “Tom is fine, and his commitment to performing his own stunts in Mission: Impossible 6 is an inspiration to us all! He happens to be recuperating at my house right now. Please give him privacy, Ann. We’re trying to get caught up on Game of Thrones! Hey, do you think it’s a good idea for me to adopt a husky? I’m generally inclined towards Thanagarian snare-beasts as pets, but wouldn’t it just be the cutest to have a tiny widdle direwolf named Cersei?”
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 9
Over the weekend, “Hillary and Bill Clinton went to a private screening of Wonder Woman in New York City,” according to the Hollywood Reporter. So: Even though Hillary Clinton won the presidential election (by 2,864,974 votes), now she’s just hanging out watching Wonder Woman. MEANWHILE, IN WASHINGTON, DC… “Twice a day since the beginning of the Trump administration, a special folder is prepared for the president,” reports Vice. “The folders are filled with screenshots of positive cable news chyrons (those lower-third headlines and crawls), admiring tweets, transcripts of fawning TV interviews, praise-filled news stories, and sometimes just pictures of Trump on TV looking powerful.” MEANWHILE, BACK IN NEW YORK… “Wonder Woman was great!” Clinton was heard saying after the screening. “I sure am glad I’m spending my time watching superhero movies instead of keeping the world from disintegrating into nuclear war. Anyways, who wants to see the new Spider-Man?”
THURSDAY, AUGUST 10
While Taylor Swift is unquestionably annoying, she hit a home run today for all victims of sexual assault. Quick recap: Former country radio DJ David Mueller was fired after being accused of groping Swift’s bottom during a 2013 photo shoot. He denied the grope, and filed a lawsuit against her for $3 million. T-Swift said OH HELL NO, countersued (for $1), and appeared in court today to deliver a satisfying smack-down to her accuser. Referring to the ass-grabbing photo, Mueller’s lawyer asked why the front of Taylor’s skirt was down instead of up. Taylor quickly responded, “Because my ass is located in the back of my body.” BAM! When he asked why she was standing closer to Mueller’s girlfriend in the photo, Taylor shot back, “She did not have her hand on my ass.” BAM 2! And when the lawyer asked if she was critical of her bodyguard who could’ve stopped the attack, Taylor closed with, “I’m critical of your client sticking his hand under my skirt and grabbing my ass.” BAM 3, AND KNOCKOUT! The judge quickly dismissed Mueller’s claim, and while we won’t forget that Taylor’s privilege and wealth afforded her the opportunity to fight back against her oppressors, this was a solid WIN for TEAM WOMAN. (It’s also a great idea for a TV show: Taylor Swift, Attorney at Law.)
FRIDAY, AUGUST 11
Considering this week’s “fire and fury” threat against North Korea’s Kim Jong-un—as well as critical tweets directed toward practically everybody, including fellow Republicans Mitch McConnell and Jeff Sessions—it’s curious there’s one person President Trump refuses to bad mouth: Vladimir Putin. Even when Putin recently cut 755 US embassy staff in retaliation for sanctions leveled against Russia for interfering with our election, Trump didn’t utter a single negative word about the Russian leader. In fact, he thanked him for saving us money. “The president appears completely determined to find no fault with anything Putin does,” said Evelyn Farkas, a former deputy assistant defense secretary under Obama, to the New York Times. “What if Putin threatened Guam with a military attack?” Good question! Instead of “fire and fury,” Trump would probably offer Putin “fudge and fondue.”
SATURDAY, AUGUST 12
Today in Charlottesville, Virginia, a bunch of white supremacists with tiny penises and Tiki torches marched against the city’s removal of a Confederate statue. Brawls with counter-protesters ensued, and a woman was killed when a racist shithead rammed his car into a crowd of anti-bigots. There’s so much “wrong” in this story, but a fantastic Twitter thread from @JuliusGoat perfectly explained the willful ignorance of these hateful supremacists. “Imagine if these [white bigots] ever faced actual oppression,” wrote Goat. “Nobody is trying to legislate away their right to marry. Nobody is trying to make them buy insurance to pay for ‘male health care.’ The law never enslaved their great-grandparents, robbed their grandparents, imprisoned their parents, shot them when unarmed. There is no massive effort at the state and local level to disenfranchise them of the vote. There is no travel ban on them because of their religion. There is no danger for them when they carry dangerous weaponry publicly. Their churches were never burned. Their lawns never decorated with burning crosses. Their ancestors never hung from trees. Their mothers aren’t being torn away by ICE troopers and sent away forever. They are chanting ‘we will not be replaced.’ Replaced as… what? I’ll tell you.” (See Sunday for more.)
SUNDAY, AUGUST 13
So how are these white bigots supposedly being replaced? “Replaced as the only voice in public discussions,” @JuliusGoat continues. “Replaced as the only bodies in the public arena. Replaced as the only life that matters. THIS is ‘white people’ oppression: We used to be the only voice. I would so love to see these people get all the oppression they insist they receive, just for a year. Just to see. Give them a world where you ACTUALLY can’t say Christmas. A world where the name ‘Geoff’ on a resume puts it in the trash. Give them a world where they suddenly get a 20 percent pay cut, and then 70 women every day tell them to smile more. Give them a world where their polo shirt makes people nervous, so they’re kicked off the flight from Pittsburgh to Indianapolis. Give them a world where they inherited nothing but a very real understanding of what oppression really fucking is. Give them a world where if they pulled up on a campus with torches lit and started throwing hands, the cops would punch their eyes out. Put THAT in your Tiki torches and light it, you sorry Nazi bitches.” Much thanks to @JuliusGoat for that amazing thread—and as for you, dears, be sure to send it to every whining, punk-ass, small dicked, overprivileged, Tiki-torch-carrying Nazi bitch you know. And remind them that their time is over.