MONDAY, NOVEMBER 6
Welcome back to One Day at a Time, dears, where… oh god. Everything’s still awful! We’re sorry! This week began with news that the Virginia cyclist who was photographed last month flipping off the presidential motorcade of Donald Trump (who, lest we forget, lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes) just got fired for doing so. (Ah, America! Where “freedom of speech” is a nice thought, but not so much a reality.) Juli Briskman—who works as a marketing analyst for a company that oversees government contractors—went in to talk to her human resources department once her image went viral. “I went in and I said: ‘Have you heard about the bike woman?’” Briskman told NYT. “It’s me.” Annnd the very next day? “We have chosen to separate from you,” Briskman said one of her employers told her, using the cold, clinical phrase we’ve used with no fewer than four exes. (What? It works!) Juli, we’ll admit the Mercury isn’t currently looking for a marketing analyst—but we’re always looking for someone who’s really good at flipping off Trump! Please contact our human resources department immediately! (Please note: The Portland Mercury’s “human resources department” is “whatever intern we’ve tasked with stocking the edibles drawer.” Right now it’s Chester!)
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 7
Today was Election Day, and while this particular election meant fuckall for Portland voters (as evidenced by Chester’s failed write-in campaign to elect himself mayor, which got one vote), elections elsewhere in the country were a bigger deal: Danica Roem “made history Tuesday night,” reported Vox, by “becoming the first openly transgender person to be elected to the Virginia House of Delegates.” Roem, 32, trounced 73-year-old Bob Marshall—an idiot who proposed Virginia’s discriminatory “bathroom bill,” an idiot who refused to call Roem “she,” and an idiot who refused to even debate her. Congrats, Danica! (And Bob? We’ll tell you what we tell all bigoted, fear-stricken geriatrics: Thanks in advance for dying off soon, thus making the world better for the rest of us.) MEANWHILE… “Voters delivered their first forceful rebuke of President Trump and his party on Tuesday night, with Democrats exploiting Mr. Trump’s deep unpopularity to capture the governorships in Virginia and New Jersey and make significant inroads into suburban communities that once favored the Republican Party,” reports the NYT! While it’s worth savoring these victories, it’s also worth keeping them in perspective: For the next three years, Trump and his cronies will lie, cheat, and steal to hold onto power—and today’s victories aside, the ever-confused Democrats have yet to find anyone in their ranks who is charismatic, smart, and driven enough for voters to unite behind. Hey! Michelle Obama’s not doing much these days, right? Can someone get us her number?
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 8
Or maybe Drake? Yeah, Drake could run for office! Oh. Wait. “Drake has announced his intention to ‘take six months or a year to myself,’” writes the Fader, adding that Drake’s plans include getting back into acting (“I want to do things that make people go ‘Wow, I didn’t expect that,’” said the former Degrassi: The Next Generation star) and… wait for it… collecting Harry Potter books. “For the past four years, he has been chasing a first edition of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone, and it’s finally on the market for $160,000,” writes the Hollywood Reporter. “Yeah, I read them all,” Drake told the Reporter, with “two tiny diamond glinting from his front teeth as he breaks into a wide smile.” “I should get it,” Drake said of the super-expensive nerd book. “My birthday’s coming up. Maybe I’ll buy it for myself as a treat.” Hey, Democrats, you paying attention? Because a Drake/J.K. Rowling ticket in 2020 would be unbeatable. (And before some insufferable know-it-all points out Drake is Canadian and Rowling is British: Our current president is a sexually assaulting Nazi sympathizer who’s only managed to not blow up the world due to dumb luck. If he can scam his way into office, we’re pretty sure Drake and Rowling can get in! Especially since she knows magic!
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 9
Speaking of abusive pigs… while we’re thrilled by the exposure and firing of the many sexually assaulting monsters of Hollyweird, it’d be nice to take a wee break and recoup, don’tcha think? Because we’re getting a little… WAIT. This just in from the Hollywood Reporter: “Louis C.K.’s Movie Premiere Canceled in Advance of N.Y. Times Story.” Oh, oh… but hey! Maybe it’s just a terrible NYT review or something, and… NOPE! This just in from NYT: “Louis C.K. is Accused by 5 Women of Sexual Misconduct.” The NYT story backs up years of rumors that Louie had a penchant for masturbating in front of unsuspecting female comics. As you know, this non-consensual masturbation thing is quite popular amongst Hollyweird’s top sexual abusers—perhaps due to toxic male insecurity, which runs so deep they’ve actually eroticized the revulsion they’ve come to expect from women. Regardless, BLECH! AND FUCK YOU TOO, LOUIS C.K.! Hopefully he’ll have enough self-awareness to craft an appropriate apolo… NOPE! “These stories are true,” Louis said in a statement. “The power I had over these women is that they admired me. And I wielded that power irresponsibly.” While Louis’ apology started off on the right track, he neglected to include the two words every “I’m sorry” statement should include: “I’M SORRY.” But we get why he didn’t: He loves masturbating in front of people without consent—and did so in front of his largest audience yet. (Ugh. Pass us a wet wipe, dears.)
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 10
And because there was too much sexual abuse crammed into yesterday, the grotesque actions of grotesque men are spilling over into today. Hours after yesterday’s Louis C.K. revelation, the Washington Post came out with a meticulously researched story about Alabama GOP Senate candidate Roy Moore and the 14-year-old girl he allegedly had a sexual relationship with while in his 30s. EWWWWWWWW! When are the EWWS going to stop?! Apparently not yet, because as of press time, four women have come forward to accuse Moore of underage sexual impropriety, and others will surely follow. It should be noted, that even without these horrific allegations—which he denied while admitting he’s dated teenagers in the past [WHAT? AND EWW!]—Roy Moore is an especially rancid example of human garbage. As a circuit court judge he refused to take down a Ten Commandments plaque from behind his bench—and encouraged praying in his courtroom. As Alabama chief justice, Moore ordered other judges to ignore the US Supreme Court ruling that legalized same-sex marriage, comparing “homosexual conduct” to bestiality. And despite all facts to the contrary, he continues to question whether or not Barack Obama was born in the United States. Roy Moore isn’t just your normal everyday GOP garbage—he’s the runny, rancid, maggot-filled garbage juice slushing around the bottom of your compost bin. (And even that statement isn’t as EWW! as he is.)
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 11
For every bag of sexist, male garbage that appears, a woman is usually tasked with taking it out. According to Page Six, Wonder Woman’s Gal Godot is taking serious steps to eradicate Hollyweird harassment, reportedly telling Warner Bros. she’ll refuse to portray the Amazonian goddess again unless alleged harasser/producer Brett Ratner is permanently removed from the franchise. Ratner has been accused by several actresses (such as Olivia Munn and Natasha Henstridge) of sexual abuse, including, but not limited to, forced oral sex, and (grooooan—as usual), non-consensual masturbation. A source tells Page Six, “[Gal] knows that Warner Bros. has to side with her on this issue as it develops. They can’t have a movie rooted in women’s empowerment being part-financed by a man accused of sexual misconduct against women.” And while we’d rather see the Amazonian warriors of Themyscira beat down and dismember Ratner in a slow, practiced fashion… this’ll do in a pinch.
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 12
One more quickie about human garbage slushie Roy Moore: After Fox News anti-personality Sean Hannity defended Moore this week, advertisers began pulling their money from the show. However, one advertiser—Keurig, the maker of environmentally gross coffee makers—has been a particular target of Hannity fans, who are boycotting the company and recording themselves smashing or similarly destroying their Keurigs. “Liberals are offended by this video of a Keurig being thrown off a building,” one Hannity fan tweeted. “Please retweet to offend a liberal. #BoycottKeurig.” Hope no one minds, but I’m going to speak for all liberals in this one instance: Dear Hannity fans—you’re funny. Please, smash all the Keurigs you want, we sincerely do not give a shit. While we’re not exactly sure why supporting an accused child molester involves beating up coffee machines, we’ll happily donate the unused Keurig our mother-in-law gave us last Christmas. Have fun, dummies!