One Day at a Time

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 30 “On the first day of Tiger-gate,
his mistress is rumored to be… a night club hostess named Rachel
Uchitel.” More scandalous scoop has been revealed about
Tiger Woods‘ mysterious mistress who is said to be at the center
of last week’s huge argument between the golfer and wifey Elin
Nordegren, which eventually led to Tiger crashing his SUV and
getting his face nearly scratched off. (MEOW!) According to TMZ,
NYC nightclub hostess Rachel Uchitel texted Tiger less than an
hour before the accident, and unfortunately for the golf pro, Elin
found out. A few kitty-cat scratches and golf club swings later, Tiger
was found unconscious behind the wheel of his Escalade. But listen to
this: Rachel is shocked—SHOCKED—that such
awful, untrue rumors are floating around about her and Tiger, leading
her to tell Us Magazine, “I don’t understand why anyone would
think this has anything to do with me.” Hmm… well, one reason could
be because Rachel has also been romantically linked with married
actor David Boreanaz, Ryan Seacrest (!!!), as well as New
York Yankees Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez (at separate
times we presume). Gee, Rachel… starfuck much?

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 1 “On the second day of Tiger-gate, his
mistress is rumored to be… reality star Jaimee Grubbs, and a night
club hostess named Rachel Uchitel.” While Rachel may be keeping
her alleged trysts with Tiger on the down low, LA cocktail waitress
(and contestant on VH1’s reality show Tool Academy) Jaimee
Grubbs can’t keep her lips zipped! Ms. Grubbs told Us she
began putting her grubby paws all over Tiger back in 2007, that the two
have had at least 20 sexual encounters, and she has more than
“300 racy text messages” to prove it! Want to read one? Yes,
you do. “I will wear you out…” Tiger allegedly sexy texted. “When
was the last time you got (bleeped)?” Want another? Yes, you do. “Send me something very naughty,” he supposedly wrote. “Go to the
bathroom and take a picture.” (We assume he means a sexy picture of
herself, rather than something found in a toilet.) Jaimee also
hilariously claimed that Tiger was very insecure about his small
calves, and didn’t like being teased about them. “I remember him
giving me the biggest death look,” Jaimee gabbed to Us. “He
said, ‘I can’t grow calves.’ And I was like, ‘Okay, sorry!'” (According
to Gawker, Us Magazine paid Jaimee $150,000 for the exclusive
interview… hopefully she threw in the “small calves” anecdote for
free.)

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 2 “On the third day of Tiger-gate, his
mistress is rumored to be…Vegas club manager Kalika Moquin, reality
star Jaimee Grubbs, and a night club hostess named Rachel
Uchitel.” Now hold on, says rumored mistress #3 Kalika
Moquin! “Sometimes I’ll deal with celebrities on my job [as a
manager at Las Vegas club The Bank] just to touch base with people,”
Kalika told Us. “But it’s completely untrue that there’s
anything more than a professional ‘Are you enjoying your time in
Vegas?’ conversation [with Tiger].” And yet? That’s not what her pals
say! “She is absolutely sleeping with him! She brags about it!”
claims an insider. (Kalika, we know how you feel. Even though we’re
ashamed, we still brag about that one-night hookup in 1993 with the
drummer from Ugly Kid Joe.) MEANWHILE… Tiger finally decided
to respond to the onslaught of sexy allegations… by making a
feeble, passive-aggressive apology and not
admitting anything. From the Tiger Woods blog: “I have let my family
down and I regret those transgressions with all my heart…
Personal sins should not require press releases and problems within a family shouldn’t have to mean public confessions.”
Ummm… well, lucky for us, personal sins DO require press releases,
and problems—when they are as awesomely tawdry as
Tiger’s—SHOULD mean a public confession. Ring! Ring! Is that
Oprah calling? MEANWHILE… Happy birthday, Britney
Spears! (But we’re too busy to care right now.)

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 3 “On the fourth day of Tiger-gate, his
mistress is rumored to be…trashy model Jamie Jungers, Vegas club
manager Kalika Moquin, reality star Jaimee Grubbs, and a night club
hostess named Rachel Uchitel.” Since most Jamies (or Jaimees)
are interchangeable, we’ll just note that this Jamie (last name
Jungers) is a cocktail waitress represented by Trashygirls.com, who provides
scantily clad models for Las Vegas events. We have no idea thus far
whether Jamie was representing herself when she allegedly began
boning Tiger in 2004, but we’re sure we’ll find out as soon as
she sells her story to the British press.
MEANWHILE… Alleged mistress #1 Rachel
Uchitel cancelled her news conference scheduled for today,
citing “unforeseen circumstances.” (Which may or may not have anything
to do with a rumored $1 million payoff, courtesy of the Tiger
Woods “Let’s Bribe a Cocktail Waitress” Foundation.)

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 4 “On the fifth day of Tiger-gate, his
mistress is rumored to be… pancake house waitress Miiiiindy Lawton!
(Pause.) Trashy model Jamie Jungers, Vegas club manager Kalika Moquin,
reality star Jaimee Grubbs, and a night club hostess named Rachel
Uchitel.” Pancake house waitress (sigh) Mindy Lawton revealed the following “do we really need to know?” nuggets about
Tiger Woods to Britain’s News of the World: (1) She
claims to have boinked Tiger while his wife was pregnant with
their first child. Ew. (2) Tiger is “very well endowed” and
“knows his way around the bedroom.” Ew. (3) They allegedly had sex in
numerous places including a garage, the shower, and a church parking
lot. Ha! (4) Mindy claims Tiger likes it “rough,” saying, “He
wanted to spank me and loved pulling my hair as we had
sex.” EW, but tell us this: Did he like strawberry or butterscotch
syrup on his pancakes? MEANWHILE… According to Us, pals
of Rachel Uchitel say she bragged about her and Tiger having
“Ambien sex.” “You know you have crazier sex on Ambien,” Rachel
allegedly told her pals, “You get into that Ambien haze.” Hubby
Kip and ourselves enjoy a similar kink we call “Jay Leno
sex.” If nothing is on except for Jay Leno, we have sex. It works
for us.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 5 “On the sixth day of Tiger-gate, his
mistress is rumored to be… catalog model Cori Rist–pancake
house waitress Miiiindy Lawton! (Pause.) Trashy model Jamie Jungers,
Vegas club manager Kalika Moquin, reality star Jaimee Grubbs, and a
night club hostess named Rachel Uchitel.” Note to Tiger’s
alleged mistresses: STOP EMAILING YOUR FRIENDS. When you send
messages (as Cori Rist did) that say, “My involvement with
Tiger Woods has surfaced,” it tends to make tabloids suspicious
that something between yourself and Tiger Woods may have
surfaced! On a sweet note, Tiger did give Rist’s seven-year-old son
an autographed golf club, before slipping the mom his seven
iron. WE’RE SORRY, BUT WE’VE AVOIDED GOLF PUNS SO FAR, HAVEN’T WE?

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 6 “On the seventh day of Tiger-gate, his mistress is rumored to
be… porn star Holly Sampson, catalog model Cori Rist–pancake
house waitress Miiiindy Lawton! (Pause.) Trashy model Jamie Jungers,
Vegas club manager Kalika Moquin, reality star Jaimee Grubbs, and a
night club hostess named Rachel Uchitel.” According to her
IMDB.com page, 36-year-old Holly
Sampson is an actress with 85 films under her “not a chastity”
belt, two of which are titled Descent into Bondage and
Diary of a Horny Housewife. Dear Mrs. Tiger Woods:
Can we borrow a sand wedge? We want to beat him with it, too, and…
wait. WAIT JUST A SECOND! Us Magazine is reporting that
“at least NINE women are now claiming to have had romantic
relationships with the golfer” including a “British broadcaster.”
EEEEEEEK! We’d ask for someone to slip us an Ambien, but we’re afraid
it’d be followed by Tiger’s penis!