MONDAY, APRIL 9
Welcome back to One Day at a Time, dears, and a look back at what was—to be perfectly fucking honest—one of the craziest weeks in an era jam-packed with crazy! And not good crazy, like, “Ann gets crazy after six martinis!” or “Ann got a crazy good deal on a gorgeous pair of Frye boots!” We mean bad crazy. (On the upside, though, we really did get a crazy good deal on these Fryes, and they really are gorgeous!) Early this morning, the FBI raided the New York office and hotel room of Donald Trump’s lawyer, Michael D. Cohen—“seizing business records, emails, and documents related to several topics, including a payment to a pornographic film actress,” reports the New York Times! And ooh, it gets crazier! “The prosecutors obtained the search warrant after receiving a referral from the special counsel in the Russia investigation, Robert S. Mueller,” the NYT continues, adding, the “search does not appear to be directly related to Mr. Mueller’s investigation, but most likely resulted from information that he had uncovered.” Now, we don’t want to get anyone’s hopes up (the last time we did that was when we said “Don’t worry! Hillary’s got this!”), but this? Well, this could be big. And for that reason, we’re sure the White House will react in a reasoned, measured manner. MEANWHILE, AT THE WHITE HOUSE… “A TOTAL WITCH HUNT!!!” tweeted Trump, who lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes. “Attorney-client privilege is dead!” Trump also screamed that the FBI “broke into” his skeevy lawyer’s office, and called the raids a “disgraceful situation” and an “attack on our country in a true sense.” Which, you know, is exactly how someone innocent would respond. A “GOP operative close to the White House” laid things out pretty clearly for Politico: “The all-caps tweet, that’s the primal scream. That’s the war cry,” said the operative. “He’s losing his shit. We’re at a different level now.” So say we all, shady anonymous GOP operative. So say we all.
TUESDAY, APRIL 10
“In the wake of the FBI raid on his personal attorney Michael Cohen, President Donald Trump is mad as hell. And he may just be willing to take a step considered to be a political nuclear bomb in Washington: Fire special counsel Robert Mueller,” wrote CNN’s Chris Cillizza. And firing Mueller, Bloomberg Politics notes, could “paralyze his administration, alienate some of his supporters, and force even Republican allies in Congress to either tie themselves to the president or abandon him.” Okay, sure. Republicans, we can see how that sounds pretty bad! But cheer up! At least the catastrophic ethics and espionage investigation of your dear leader is the absolute worst thing you’ll have to deal with this week.
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 11
Ha ha! WHOOPS. Sorry, Republicans! This morning, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan abruptly announced his retirement—at age 48, otherwise known as “an age at which no one actually retires.” “Though he was once considered one of the Republican Party’s brightest stars—he ran for vice president as Mitt Romney’s running mate in 2012—Mr. Ryan said Wednesday that at 48, he is out of politics for the foreseeable future,” the NYT reports, noting that when Ryan became Speaker of the House, it was because he “was seen as the only lawmaker who could keep Republicans from devouring themselves.” While Ryan claimed he was “retiring” to spend time with his family, zero people believed him. “We can all read between the lines,” said Rep. Charlie Dent. “This is not an easy administration to be dealing with.” With dozens of Republicans’ seats under threat, many conservatives were counting on Ryan—who, in addition to being a talented fundraiser, is also the only member of the GOP who doesn’t automatically make people projectile vomit. “This is the nightmare scenario,” Virginia Republican and former Representative Thomas M. Davis III told the NYT. “Everybody figured he’d just hang in there till after the election.” Ha ha! WHOOPS. MEANWHILE… If you’ll let us put on our tinfoil hat for just a second (actually, it’s not ours, it’s Hubby Kip’s, and he insists on wearing it every time we watch Riverdale, for reasons we never have and never will ask about), we have a conspiracy theory: Maybe, just maybe, Ryan got so tired of being a spineless lickspittle for Trump, and so tired of watching the GOP flush American democracy down the toilet, that… maybe he’s intentionally sabotaging the Republicans? Eh? Eh? Yes, we know—he probably just hates Trump as much as everyone else. But the result is the same: a “nightmare scenario” for Republicans that, to the rest of us, seems like a wonderful dream.
THURSDAY, APRIL 12
It’s wrong to celebrate the failures of others… unless, of course, they’re Donald Trump supporters! According to Deadspin, an American boxer by the name of Rod Salka fought Mexican fighter Francisco Vargas tonight… and why should you care? Because Salka wore a pair of “America 1st” shorts, decorated to look like a brick wall. (Even ignoring the anti-immigrant rhetoric, they looked horrific.) However, you’ll be happy to learn that Mexico’s Vargas mercilessly pounded this hateful and poorly dressed butthole for seven rounds until Salka eventually quit the fight in disgrace. (Just like Trump will do in say… three months, we hope?) MEANWHILE… As we know, the Trump administration is in near-constant chaos, with the Prez either firing or chasing off a large portion of his staff. But their misery doesn’t end there—because as it turns out, no one wants to hire an icky former Trump loyalist. According to Buzzfeed, many companies are simply refusing to hire people formerly employed by the Trump White House “because of the ‘reputational risk’ associated with it.” YESSSSSSSS. Enjoy the unemployment line, choads!
FRIDAY, APRIL 13
Here’s a tweet you don’t want to hear from a president right before he launches missiles at Syria: “James Comey is a proven LEAKER & LIAR!” To the heavy sighs of everyone, Trump spent much of today rage-tweeting at the world after hearing choice selections from the fired FBI director’s new book, A Higher Loyalty. “He is an untruthful slimeball,” Trump tweet-screeched, “who was, as time has proven, a terrible Director of the FBI.” So, what kind of “untruthful slimeball” remarks did Comey make? Other than pointing out that the president appears “slightly orange with bright half-moons under his eyes” (yeah, we noticed), and that he’s “unethical and untethered to truth” (yep, knew that too), Comey didn’t dismiss the existence of the holy grail of the Trump investigation: THE PEE TAPE. In fact, Comey says that the president asked him to disprove the Steele dossier’s accusation of an alleged golden showers party that included Trump, a bunch of sex workers, and at least one of Russia’s blackmail cameras. In short, Comey’s book doesn’t hold many surprises. So if we were Trump, instead of Twitter-screaming, we’d take a subtler approach, like, “Hey James! Thanks again for helping me beat Crooked Hillary. Cool book! They should get Bull from Night Court to play you in the movie!”
SATURDAY, APRIL 14
Following yesterday’s airstrike on three of Syria’s chemical weapons sites, UN Ambassador Nikki Haley promised that the Trump administration would level punitive economic sanctions against Russia for their role in assisting the Syrian regime, and… ummm… is it just us, or does this sound weirdly un-Trump like? We mean, is this the same Trump that has never uttered a single unkind word to Vladimir Putin? (Because, you know, pee tape?) Well, if that doesn’t sound like Trump to you… you’re right! “President Trump has put the brakes on a preliminary plan to impose additional sanctions on Russia, walking back an announcement by Haley,” the Washington Post wrote two days after the ambassador’s announcement, adding that the president was actually very upset about the sanctions because “he was not yet comfortable executing them, according to several people familiar with the plan.” Huh! That’s a sudden, weird about-face! It’s almost as if the minute Haley announced the sanctions, a shadowy Russian ambassador contacted Trump on the administration’s back-channel (set up by Jared Kushner) and whispered, ” “ causing the president to quickly reverse his decision! (Note to readers: We hope you appreciate the tens of minutes we put into translating “Pee Tape” into Russian—because while it may appear to be a simple task, Google Translate actually has some very annoying and counterintuitive design flaws. Anyway, you’re welcome.)
SUNDAY, APRIL 15
Ugh, enough politics already! Let’s end this FUCKING INSANE week with the glorious ray of light known as Beyoncé Knowles, Queen of the Universe. If you missed it, her headlining performance at the normally white and chill Coachella music festival was anything but, featuring a Destiny’s Child reunion (!!!), and duets with sister Solange as well as Mr. Beyoncé Knowles (formerly known as Jay-Z). But even more thrilling was her astounding tribute to America’s historically Black colleges and universities (HBCU), which included more than 100 black-and-yellow clad dancers and musicians, as well as a drum line, majorettes, and lots of step dancing. And when she sang “Lift Every Voice and Sing” (AKA the Black national anthem)… well, Twitter user @SaddyBey summed it up best. “Beyoncé had the audacity to turn the whitest function of the year into an HBCU homecoming,” he wrote. “We don’t call her Queen for no reason.” Until next week, let those sweet, true words ring in your ears.