MONDAY, JUNE 18
Welcome back to One Day at a Time, dears—and a look back at a week that was, quite possibly, the Trump administration’s lowest point! (Well, y’know… so far. Knowing this gaggle of assholes, something even worse will happen by mid-July.) This was the week Donald Trump (who lost the popular vote by 2,864,974 votes), Evil Keebler Elf Jeff Sessions, and White House Vampire Stephen Miller refused to stop tearing apart families at the border, defying criticism from, oh, EVERYONE ELSE ON THE PLANET. Despite heartbreaking audio of children being separated from their parents and horrifying glimpses into propaganda-filled
facilities housing imprisoned children, Trump ignored the flood of rage coming to him from the left, the right, and the United Nations—where Zeid Ra’ad al-Hussein, the UN’s high commissioner for human rights, called America’s policy “government-sanctioned child abuse.” Meanwhile, Miller and Sessions—who used to just be fringe bigots but are now empowered bigots—dug in their heels, while Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen shrugged off those suffering as “alien children.” “The lack of compassion toward these kids on the Texas-Mexico border,” the Washington Post noted, “is central to President Trump’s political strategy: playing to his base and getting funding for his promised border wall.” MEANWHILE… Let’s not forget Trump’s other “strategy,” which is… uh, Star Wars? “When it comes to defending America, it is not enough to merely have an American presence in space,” Trump told the National Space Council, speaking even louder than usual in order to drown out the cries of suffering Earth children. “We must have American dominance in space. So important.” Trump then declared “a space force as the sixth branch of the armed forces,” and bragged, “That’s a big statement.” It was also a stupid one, since, as NPR pointed out, “President Trump cannot actually create a space force. A new branch of the military can only be established by an act of Congress—something that hasn’t happened since the Air Force was split from the Army in 1947.”
TUESDAY, JUNE 19
“Let me get this straight—an Earthling ‘space force’? HA!” bellowed Emperor Klaaktu of Rigel VII, speaking exclusively to One Day at a Time via intergalactic holochat! “Listen, Ann,” the universe’s greatest warlord continued, sliding nine of his tentacles across his mucus-covered carapace. “Everyone in the Alpha Quadrant knows the only real space force is my
Extra-Planetary Commando LaserSquad—and they’re currently traveling at maximum warp to your shithole of a planet to free thousands of unjustly imprisoned children!” Klaaktu then reclined, casually popping another deep-fried Thanagarian millipede into one of his mouths. “Huh. Actually, maybe they should just blow up your whole sector? The sooner we make sure you jagoffs can’t spread to the stars, the better.” MEANWHILE… Locking children in cages is hard work, so Kirstjen Nielsen visited the MXDC Cocina Mexicana, an upscale Mexican restaurant in Washington, DC, to grab a bite! Luckily, a diner tipped off the Metro DC Democratic Socialists of America, who showed up to ruin her meal—leading chants of “SHAME!” and criticizing Nielsen for relaxing at a Mexican restaurant, of all places. Nielsen, who kept her head down throughout her utterly deserved public shaming, eventually scurried out… but how did MXDC Cocina feel about all this? PRETTY GREAT. “Our staff, most of whom are Hispanic, have been with our restaurant family for years,” the restaurant said in a statement. “They represent hosts, servers, kitchen staff, and upper management who take care of each and every guest who dines with us. We believe that a restaurant is a place to nourish the spirit of humanity, not to break it down.” Kirstjen, dear, that’s code for “Get out, and never come back”—and to the rest of Trump’s goose-stepping accomplices, it’s code for “Stay home and eat Hot Pockets instead of showing your face in public.”
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 20
“President Trump caved to enormous political pressure on Wednesday and signed an executive order meant to end the separation of families at the border by detaining parents and children together for an indefinite period,” reports the New York Times! Like most Trump orders, this one promptly caused chaos, with any and all details still needing to be worked out. But this—the briefest glimpse at the barest shred of human decency—is the best news we’ve got so far this week, so we’re going to take it.
THURSDAY, JUNE 21
Remember waaaaay back when we were convinced that Melania Trump was a poor, brainwashed prisoner of her demented orange hubby? OH, HOW NAÏVE WE WERE. The First Lady visited a migrant child detention center in Texas today in an apparent attempt to show compassion for kids who have been stolen from their parents thanks to the president’s draconian “zero tolerance” immigration policy. However, this message of compassion was somewhat undercut by her jacket, which had the words “I REALLY DON’T CARE, DO U?” written on the back. While Hubby Trump tried (and failed) to claim that the message was intended for the “fake news media” (that’s weak, even by his normally weak standards), Melania’s beleaguered staff leapt into damage control mode. “It’s a jacket,” said communication director Stephanie Grisham through gritted teeth. “There was no hidden message.” We’ll agree with that! Her true feelings were literally written on the jacket. The good news is that A) we no longer have to pretend that anyone in Trump’s cadre of monsters is worthy of our sympathy, and B) now we can make fun of Melania’s stunted fashion sense with impunity. Example: We’re not saying Melania’s $39 jacket from Zara was trash, but we’ve seen more fashionable dog sweaters.
FRIDAY, JUNE 22
For those who think that reviled Trump supporter Roseanne Barr wasn’t quite punished enough after spewing her racist drivel on Twitter and then getting fired from her ABC sitcom Roseanne—you, my darling, are in such luck. According to the network, Roseanne will be returning this fall… but without Roseanne Barr, HA HA HAAAAAA. Retitled The Connors, the show will continue with its entire talented cast (and 200 production members), while Barr sloooowly slides into the gooey muck of obscurity to join the skeletons of other racist celebs whose careers were also hilariously ruined by their big, stupid, hateful mouths—except for Mel Gibson, of course. (Damn you, white male privilege! You’ve vexed us again!)
SATURDAY, JUNE 23
We’re not exactly sure how we arrived at this point, but somehow we’ve become the information clearinghouse for all the expensive shit that corrupt EPA Chief Scott Pruitt has purchased using taxpayer money. (Sigh, deep breath!) Okay! TO RECAP: Pruitt has been using your money to book first class flights and private jets (to avoid having you yell at him for ruining the environment and using your money to book first class flights and private jets); spending $1,560 on fountain pens, $2,963 on a standing desk, and $43,000 on a sound-proof privacy booth; assembling the largest (and most unnecessary) security team in the history of his office for protection (costing you a mere $4.6 million thus far), sending his taxpayer-funded staff to pick up his dry cleaning and hunt for apartments, fancy moisturizer, and a used mattress from a Trump hotel. (EWWW! Seriously, that last one turns our stomach every single time.) And today we have yet another extravagance to add to Pruitt’s list: According to the Intercept, Pruitt has spent $2,750 on “tactical polos and pants”—you know, the kind that special ops wear. Eight pairs of trousers alone cost taxpayers $1,600, even though they retail online for only $32 each. SCOTT, SCOTT, SCOTT! We know it’s hard to be so corrupt and insecure—but if you must play dress-up, can you at least be thrifty like Melania? Her hateful trash jacket only set us back $39!
SUNDAY, JUNE 24
If you enjoyed Trump crony Kirstjen Nielsen getting mercilessly heckled at a Mexican restaurant earlier this week, you’ll looooove this story: This weekend, straight-faced liar Sarah Huckabee Sanders stopped for dinner at the Red Hen restaurant in Lexington, Virginia—a town known for being overwhelmingly anti-Trump. After owner Stephanie Wilkinson was alerted of the press secretary’s presence, she discreetly pulled Sanders aside and very politely asked her to get the hell out of her place of business. (She said it a lot nicer than that.) “I’m not a huge fan of confrontation,” Wilkinson told the Washington Post. “This feels like the moment in our democracy when people have to make uncomfortable actions and decisions to uphold their morals.” She also noted that Sanders works for an “inhumane and unethical” administration. All together now: HURRAY FOR STEPHANIE WILKINSON! And while Trump supporters tried to exact their revenge on Red Hen’s Yelp page (nobody reads Yelp anymore, dummies), and Trump himself attempted to disparage the restaurant on Twitter by claiming their canopies were filthy (?), one thing is clear: The shame and shun wars have begun! If you’re a Trump co-conspirator or supporter, we will heckle, laugh, and refuse to provide you with services—and that includes waiting on you at restaurants, making you lattes, and selling you tactical polos/pants. (That last one we’re doing for your own good.)