MONDAY, MAY 31 You’ve heard of “sham marriages,” right? Like the one enjoyed by Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie? Well FYI, “sham marriages” are OUT and “sham separations” are IN. They’re especially useful if your celebrity status is faltering and you need a quick boost to keep you in the limelight. (We’re not saying “Sandra Bullock,” but… oh hello, Sandra Bullock.) Today’s “sham separation” comes via tabloid sycophants Heidi and Spencer Pratt (of The Hills), who according to Us Magazine are now living in separate residences, thereby spreading their disgusting grossness over an even greater area. “There are so many lies out there about me,” Heidi announced to an uncaring world, “and I just needed space—even away from my husband.” YOU’RE THE ONE WHO’S LYING, LIAR! “Heidi is going through a difficult time,” her lying rep continued to lie, “and hopes people respect her privacy.” OH SHUT UP, LIAR! Exhibit A: Heidi cannot be having a difficult time, because her circuitry is incapable of harboring any human emotion. And Exhibit B: Heidi wants privacy like most of us want Chlamydia. Even worse? Even “unnamed sources”—who are almost always 100 percent trustworthy—are LYING as well, with at least one claiming that Heidi has left Spencer because of increasingly erratic behavior, which apparently includes collecting expensive crystals and wearing tinfoil hats. “He told me he was trying to signal aliens,” the source said. C’mon, “unnamed source”! We haven’t heard this much bullshit since the time Jake Gyllenhaal tried to convince us he’s straight! And speaking of lying liars and the lies they tell… MEANWHILE! According to multiple news sources, “former Vice President Al Gore and his wife Tipper Gore have decided to separate after 40 years of marriage.” Umm-hmmm. Right. WHOO! WHOO! HERE COMES THE LIAR TRAIN! ALL ABOOOOARD!
TUESDAY, JUNE 1 As mentioned last week in One Day, child actor and Diff’rent Strokes star Gary Coleman passed away Friday after falling down the stairs and slipping into a coma. What we didn’t know at the time was that his wife Shannon Price—with whom Coleman shared a very contentious relationship—was in the house at the time of the accident, and… well… how do we put this? Kind of wasn’t a lot of help. According to the 911 transcript of the incident, Price heard Coleman fall, knew he had seriously hurt himself, but wouldn’t go downstairs to check it out because, “I have seizures, if I get stressed out I’m going to seize.” The 911 operator then asked if anyone else in the house could go down to help Coleman, to which Price said “no” and added, “I’ve just been kind of sick. I don’t want to be traumatized right now.” However, the operator was successful in getting Price to throw Coleman a towel and instruct him to keep pressure on his wound—but only momentarily. Right before emergency crews arrived, Price said to the operator, “I’m gagging, I got blood on myself, I can’t deal.” In a related story, Hubby Kip would probably never allow me to bleed to death at the bottom of our stairs—which is why we’re going to take a break from writing this column to cook him a steak and give him a handjob.
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 2 In home-wrecking news of a different sort, Michelle “Bombshell” McGee (the tattooed adulteress who cuckolded Sandra Bullock) took an unsuccessful stab at explaining why she’s been photographed wearing Nazi uniforms. When ETalk reporter Lainey Lui informed her that wearing Nazi garb was racist, McGee responded, “I guess one could view it that way. I don’t believe it’s racism at all. Anti-Semitism? Yes. If that was the intention of putting the costume on.” When informed anti-Semitism is actually prejudice against Jews, and therefore is… umm… kind of the same thing as racism, McGee said, “Oh… okay—well that’s your view on that. I don’t see it that way.” THANK YOU, BOMBSHELL! Thanks for being so open to other people’s opinions—especially those shared by EVERY OTHER PERSON IN THE WORLD.
THURSDAY, JUNE 3 Rest in peace, Golden Girl Rue McClanahan, who passed away this morning at age 76, making fellow cast mate Betty White the only surviving member of the popular sitcom. When asked for a reaction, White pointed her sword toward the sky and bellowed, “There can be only one!”
FRIDAY, JUNE 4 Thought all that Gary Coleman business couldn’t get any more depressing? WRONG. TMZ.com reports that photos of Coleman’s trip to the hospital are currently for sale—including one in which Coleman is dead. “It is not a pleasant sight,” the uncharacteristically restrained gossipmongers at TMZ wrote about one of the photos. HOLD ON… IT GETS WORSE. TMZ continues, “Gary Coleman’s ex-wife is the mastermind behind the photos, which show the actor in the hospital, bloodied, with tubes sticking out of his body…. Shannon Price had a production company shoot the photos… and [she] is set to get a cut of the profits.” MEANWHILE… We were also gonna report on the oil spill today, too, but seeing as how we don’t want to be held responsible for you slashing your wrists, we’re just gonna move on. Hopefully something will come along to give us hope for the futu—hey, look! It’s Britney!
SATURDAY, JUNE 5 “Britney now makes almost all of her personal decisions herself,” sources tell TMZ.com! That’s right—the 28-year-old Brit-Brit’s creeptastic dad Jamie has apparently “pulled back and is allowing Britney to control her life—where she goes, what she does with her kids, etc.” Though happy that Jamie’s stopped doing underwear checks (and might even be letting her stay up past her bedtime if she’s really good and finishes her peas), let’s be honest: What we’re really excited about is when Britney is set loose all on her own… at which point her reign of terror shall begin again. Lindsay Lohan won’t know what hit her.
SUNDAY, JUNE 6 [Note—though we should have known better, we allowed Hubby Kip to write today’s blurb, due to his insistence he was “very well educated on the subject at hand.” Also, it might have something to do with a wee hangover we obtained at last night’s Mercury anniversary party. Good luck, dears.] Salutations, reading fans! Because I did awesome writing a One Day two weeks ago, Annie’s letting me do it again! Also because she says she needs a nap. ANYHOO… Alas, I bring ill tidings of a wave of faux lesbianism! This weekend, Miley Cyrus, while performing some crappy song on Britain’s Got Talent, “dipped a female dancer and mimicked a passionate smooch,” says PopEater.com. (Says me, “IT WAS NOT A VERY GOOD MIMIC AT ALL. It did not fool me for even one second, not even when I rewatched it a few times and squinted!”) MEANWHILE! “Sandra Bullock planted a two-handed, face-holding smooch on Scarlett Johansson” at tonight’s MTV Movie Awards, says Page Six. Says me, “Only problem? THAT’S ALL THEY DID!” Look, I’m as excited about Scarlett Johansson tonguing some other chick as anybody (even if that other chick is one of the Golden Girls or whatever). Problem is—hold on a second, let me see if Annie’s still sleeping. Yes! She is! Sweet!—problem is: MILEY CYRUS AND SCARLETT JOHANSSON! You’re competing with no less than 46 various lesbian-themed adult DVDs I have cleverly hidden in various top-secret locations around the house. So if you want to make me watch Britain’s Got Talent or the MTV Movie Awards, you’re going to have to do better. A LOT better… if you know what I mean. You know what people want to see! (None of us want to see Sandra Bullock’s, though.) Alternatively, another way you could get me to watch Britain’s Got Talent is if Mr. Bean were one of the judges! That guy is crazy!
Nicely done Kip.
Entertaining.
But why not bump it up a notch with the hand job business?
G’head and take it to the next level.
I’m sure you’re husband (which is not me!) would appreciate that.
Having pride in one’s heritage is not racist! Or is having pride in your jewishness racist because modern day Israel is a NAZI state? With 6 million jews in America and how many jews in the US media? Think you’re over represented in the media or is that racist? I’m so tired of jews bad mouthing people’s german heritage, that when I found out on the net that one of my in law’s family members joined the NAZI party back in the homeland I was actually proud. I’m mostly Irish and I’m super impressed with the productivity of my german inlaws and my wife! You’re an italian jew, no ,Mrs. Romano? How about all those german jews in america? Do they hate themselves also for being descendants of their oppressors?
Ok, Wm W. of Id, it’s like this
1)No, having pride in one’s heritage is not, in itself, racist.
2)Having pride in what Hitler stood for, however, is(as well as being wicked icky and borderline psychotic)
3)anti-Nazi Germans were and are just as productive(if not MORE productive)than pro-Nazi Germans(especially the left-wing anti-Nazi Germans who supported the Social Democratic and Communist parties against Hitler).
4)No, German Jews in America are NOT “descandants of their oppressors”. They’re descendants of the Victims of oppression. But then, the response you made is typical of the worldview of men with undersized genitals.
Your hero lost in 1945, and now it’s a Rainbow World. Deal with it, schweinhunt schmuck.